Invasion of The B Movies

JASON SOTO RULES THE FUCKING INTERNET!

2012-01-26T20:56:00.003-05:00

Oh my god I'm everywhere today! At least on the internet! I never been this overwhelmed before! What am I to do? Will I get new fans? How can I handle this? Now I'm hyperventilating! Breathe! Breathe!

Ok, I'm better. First, I wrote a small piece about "Raiders of the Lost Ark" over at "Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob". It's pretty awesome and makes you think.

Also, there's my Thursday review at Man, I Love Films where I reviewed "Atrocious". I haven't been getting a lot of comments lately. I think Dylan and Kai are starting to wonder why they keep me around. Let's generate some hits, shall we?

And last but certainly not least, my Oscar write up thing went up over at The LAMB and it is easily the most funniest thing I will ever write. I should just retire right now...but I got too much shit to do so fuck that! I guess I have nowhere else to go but down!

Finally, tomorrow I will be Evanston, Illi(Come On Feel The)Nois(e) for B-Fest and I will not be returning until Sunday night. So there will be NO Netflix Corner this Saturday cause I won't be around to say who's right or wrong or whatever. That will return NEXT Saturday.

And that's it! See you guys Sunday!

-Jason

Reader's Choice: Die-Ner (Get It?)

2012-01-21T20:21:00.000-05:00

I really don't know what to say about this, honestly. I know Nick Jobe pushed this movie and kept telling me I need to see it for the longest time now. So now that I did, what did I think about it?

The movie is about a serial killer named Ken, who shows up at a truck stop diner (GET IT?!) one night and kills the waitress and the cook. As he's about to leave, a couple named Rob and Kathy show up. Ken has to pretend to be a waiter and take their order. And he's about to kill them when a cop shows up. The cop is sort of suspicious of Ken's story about being new and wonders where the cook is, when the cook shows up. The same cook that Ken killed earlier.

Ken is baffled but comes to an immediate solution: zombies. Actually, him coming to this conclusion happened rather quickly. Most zombie movies (actually all zombies movie) the people either take forever to realize they're zombies or act like zombies never existed before. I always wonder what it's like to live in a world where zombie movies aren't made. Clearly in the world of "Die-Ner" they do cause Ken knew what to do immediately. But then there's a twist: cutting off the head or shooting them in the head doesn't work.

Ah, those kind of zombies.

Anyway, the cook bites the cop and Ken holds the couple at gun point while he acts like Ryan Reynolds. And he looks like Edward Norton. So try to wrap your head around that. So Ken is trying to figure out what to do and the couple is trying to escape. They manage to hit Ken in the head and knock him out. While Ken is having some weird dream about his Mom (it was really pointless and just put in to fill up on time) Rob and Kathy...DON'T tie him up.

....THE FUCK?!?!?! You don't need to be a cop to figure out that if some guy who is holding you at gun point gets knocked out the first thing you need to do is immobilize him! Jesus!!

So naturally he wakes up, pulls out a knife, cuts off Rob's finger, then ties the couple up. Ken goes outside and remembers that he killed someone else: the truck driver who gave him a ride. Turns out he's a zombie too.

You know what's fun about zombie movies? You can have them without explaining why zombies are there. I mean they're just zombies. Maybe there was no more room in hell. Maybe all zombie movies are happening at the exact same time (I just blew someone's mind with that). Maybe a comet flew by. I don't know and you don't need to know either.

Anyway, the cop eventually dies and while Ken waits for him to become a zombie, the couple gets loose, knock Ken out again, and they learn their lesson and tie him up this time. Hooray. Too bad when they get outside, they find Ken took something out of their engine so they can't escape.

Oh and more zombies come out of nowhere and attack. At first I thought maybe the people Ken killed are just coming back to life to go after Ken and that would've made an interesting premise. But I doubt Ken killed this many people in this exact city, so this is a zombie movie just to be a zombie movie.

Anyway, Rob is bitten and killed and Kathy is the most useless human being cause she doesn't know any to do anything (drive trucks, kill people, cook, etc) and unties Ken so he can drive the truck out. Then the cop's deputy shows up right when it looks like Kathy is actually the serial killer. And Ken isn't helping much.

But the deputy is eaten, Kathy eventually gets eaten, and Ken gets eaten in Capt. Rhodes style. And the movie just kinda ends with a truck drivin' zombie getting in his truck. I guess.

So did I like the movie? It was ok. Nothing special. I kinda had a love/hate relationship with Ken. I wish the story went a different way than just "well, here's zombies. Deal with it." Maybe I was expecting it to be more funny (The title is a lame pun, followed by "Get It?") but I was a bit let down. But overall, it wasn't a bad movie. Lord knows I've seen worse zombie movies, especially this month.

Ugh.

-Jason

The Netflix Corner #12

2012-01-21T16:40:00.000-05:00

This week's recommendation is fucking awesome! If you are a fan of horror movies, and you haven't seen "Tucker and Dale vs Evil" you need to stop what you're doing and watch that shit! It's probably the best horror/comedy since "Shaun of the Dead". Or "Birdemic". (Notice I didn't go with "Birdemic" this week.)

With that done, it's time for the part everyone REALLY reads this post for: The Netflix Game! I gotta say, I was impressed with Dan, coming up with the "Hard" answer the way he did. Here are the current scores:

Nick-26
Dan-14
Steve-9
Dylan-5
Rachel-4
Joanna-3
Joe-2

And here are last week's answers:
Hard: One strong guy really hates another strong guy.-No Holds Barred
Medium: A stupid girl doesn't realize she's been talking to her crush this entire time.-You Got Mail (I can't wait to get on a LAMBcast to rant about this dumb movie.)
Easy: A poor guy uses magic to be a rich guy to win a girl.-Aladdin.

Good luck! Here's this week's clues:
Hard: A band goofs off while on tour.
Medium: A band tries not to break up.
Easy: Everything that can go wrong while on tour does.

There you have it.
-Jason

Reader's Choice: Birdemic: Shock and Terror

2012-01-20T16:51:00.002-05:00

I have absolutely no way of putting together a comprehensive review for "Birdemic" that doesn't involve repeating the words "THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING TERRIBLE" over and over again so instead I'll just pay homage to Andrew over at BadMovies.org and just list off a whole bunch of things I've learned while watching "Birdemic: Shock and Terror".

-If you're an attractive white woman, you can eat and leave a restaurant without paying.
-If you're an attractive white man, you can stare at said white woman for 20 minutes then chase after her down the street until she gives you her phone number.
-The place you and your family go to take those horrible family photos also doubles has a modeling agency.
-A no-name model can get on the front page of Victoria Secret.
-You can sell software for one million dollars.
-If you're an attractive white couple, you can dance horribly while a black guy does karaoke.
-When you see the word "Imagine", you have to use horribly generic John Lennon music to accompany it.
-Some Asian stereotypes, especially in women, are true. Sucky sucky two dolla?
-Every incompetently bad movie must take place in San Francisco.
-This movie did to basketball what "The Room" did to football.
-Didn't get it right in the first take? Use a green screen to fix the scene!
-When the company you invested stocks in sells for a billion dollars, you can clap in a board room like an idiot for five minutes straight.
-Paying $19,000 instead of $20,000 for solar panels is a bargain.
-You're making a movie and you know the small town you live in is gonna have a parade? Write a movie around that parade! It'll be a great action scene!
-Instead of having sex for the first time in your own place, you and your boyfriend/girlfriend should get a hotel.
-The chick in "Birdemic" decided she wasn't getting paid enough to show her tits. Kinda sad really. She's really, really, REALLY hot.

-The day after you fuck a hot chick, birds are going to suddenly attack your town.
-When birds attack, they sound like bomber jets attacking England.
-How do you show somebody was in the military? By having them wear camo pants!
-Cheap wire hangers from a hotel is an effective weapon against attacking birds.
-Former military guys keep automatic machine guns in their mini-vans.
-The cheapest CGI software for a wannabe film make is from 1995. I kept waiting for the flying toasters to appear next.
-Despite birds attacking for no real reason, that isn't enough to slow down traffic on a busy highway.
-Bird attacks mean it's now the apocalypse and you can't go home. Ever. For some reason.
-You think gas prices are high now? Wait until birds attack. You'll WISH you were paying $4 bucks a gallon.
-Gay hipsters love Easy E.
-If someone off camera throws a bucket of orange juice on you, you will die.
-The worst possible way to die? Holding toilet paper while taking a crap in the desert.
-If a bird attacks you, you should stumble off to the side of the road so you have a comfortable place to fall.
-Standing on a bridge and looking at dead birds on the ground=studying birds and knowing what caused them to go crazy: BIRD FLU!!!
-Seriously, why didn't they just fucking go home?!?!?!?!
-Asian whores live in lighthouses.
-Even though the kids you're traveling with know it's the end of the world, they still want Happy Meals!
-Sitting in your car for 5 minutes while crying will cause all the birds in the world to stop attacking and fly into the ocean.

And that's it. There's probably some stuff I forgot, but overall, this is a movie you need to see to believe. The guy who made this movie made Tommy Wiseau look like Martin Scorsese. It is on Netflix Instant watch and there is a Rifftrax available. I recommend that, or watching this with some friends. This is bad. And my rating for this is based on how entertainingly bad it is. Seriously.

-Jason

B-Fest 2012: The Anticipation

2012-01-20T11:54:00.000-05:00

After what felt like years, the people of B-Fest has FINALLY announced the movies we'll be ~~suffering~~ watching next week. Below are the trailers and my thoughts before going into the fest:

Best of the Best

Oh my god, this is what's gonna start the fest? It's like "Bloodsport" meets "Enter The Dragon" meets "Rocky 4". Holy fuck!

Astro Zombies

If you show a toy robot TWICE you don't give me much faith in your film. But hey John Carradine AND Wendell Corey! Can't beat that!

To Catch A Yeti

I can't find a trailer but.....holy fuck this looks awful!

Every year they show "Plan 9" at midnight. But after that we get:

The Avenging Disco Godfather

Oh man. More Rudy Ray Moore goodness. PUT YOUR WEIGHT ON IT!

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

This is the movie that's gonna be played right smack dab in the middle of the night so people can try to get some sleep. They picked an interesting movie. I happen to love this movie for all it's badness, but I know some people hate it. By this point, I'll probably be out of my mind so who knows what effect it'll have on me.

Tarkan vs The Vikings

I dunno why I'm having a hard time finding trailers. That doesn't bode well with me. Anyway, I just heard about this movie so I'm glad I'll get to watch this finally.

Mutant Hunt

...what? ...WHAT??...WHAT?!?!?!?!

The Brain From Planet Arous

I actually seen this my first year at B-Fest. This is gonna be played around 7AM so maybe I'll catch some shut eye here.

Stunt Rock

Wow, this looks amazing. I love when movies try to combine action AND rock music! It always fails!

ROADHOUSE

OH MY GOD WE'RE WATCHING ROADHOUSE!!! WE'RE WATCHING ROADHOUSE!!!! DYLAN FIELDS DO YOU HEAR THIS?!?!?

Werewolf In A Girls Dormitory

Eh, typical stuff. I'm probably gonna start losing interest around this point and want to go home. But also be too stubborn to leave early.

Ok so here I have a problem. The lineup on their site says the next movie is called "Galaxy InvaderS" but the only movie I know, and that I can find, with that title is simply called "Galaxy Invader" singular. I'm hoping it is "Invader" cause that's one fun bad movie, let me tell you.

Godzilla vs The Sea Monster

This was on MST3K and they always end on a Godzilla/giant monster movie. I'm telling you now that I'll be so so far gone to even care at this point.

Anyway, that's it. These are the movies I'll be sitting through next Friday night all the way into next Saturday night! I don't know if any of my readers will be there but if so, look out for me! And watch out! Or something.
-Jason

Reader's Choice: Pinocchio's Revenge

2012-01-20T02:20:00.000-05:00

I know people aren't going to believe me when I say this but, quite seriously, "Pinocchio's Revenge" is one fucking creepy ass movie. And it's pretty well made. I know, I'm as shocked as you are. I was expecting a horrible corny "Child's Play" rip off, and in all rights it kinda is. But it's like "Child's Play" meets, I dunno, "Silence of the Lambs" or something.

The movie starts "Five years ago" (So 2007) and a cop is just driving along when a parked car just suddenly jumps out of nowhere, scaring him. The cop runs the plates and finds it belongs to a guy named Vincent Gotto. Vincent is in the middle of burying a child's body in the woods. The cop stumbles upon this and stops him. The investigators find not only that the dead kid was Gotto's son, but next to the buried body was a 3-foot tall Pinocchio puppet.

Now it's present day and 2012 looks a lot like the early '90s. Jennifer is Gotto's public defender and has to prove that he didn't kill his kid, along with a bunch of other dead kids. Gotto says he did the crimes but Jennifer thinks he's protecting somebody. Since she's a lawyer and all that crap, she has to look at the evidence, which includes the puppet.

Jennifer has a daughter named Zoe, who is either 2-years-old or a 8-year-old with the annoying fucking voice of a 2-year-old. The scene with Zoe and her classmates is weird cause it plays out like a teen drama but it's, you know, little kids. There's even a cat fight, which is disturbing on so many levels that I won't spend any more time on it. Let's just say Zoe is a bit troubled.

It's also Zoe's birthday and the puppet finds its way in Jennifer's car and Jennifer's boyfriend Dave finds it, thinking it's a present for Zoe. Zoe ends up liking the puppet, even wanting to sleep with it. (There's a whole weird part where Zoe talks about sleeping with things with rather human names but again I don't wanna devote too much time to it.)

So what's bugging Zoe? Her dad left her. That's pretty much it. She isn't taking it too well and is seeing a doctor, who just talks to her about stuff. The beginning's a bit slow, I'll admit. But soon, Zoe starts talking to the puppet and one day when she takes Pinocchio to school, the bitchy girl she got into a fight with earlier takes him and throws him over a fence. And as a result of this, the bitchy girl is then hit by a bus. It was kind of a funny scene really.

During the entire movie, you don't see Pinocchio really doing anything but sitting there, so then you ask yourself "Is he really alive or is this in Zoe's head?" Things take a turn for the HOLY SHIT THIS IS MOTHERFUCKING CREEPY AS FUCK when we see Pinocchio TALK! It's just....ugh.

Pinocchio seems to think if Dave was "out of the way" Jennifer would spend more time with Zoe, but Zoe doesn't want to hurt Dave. Oh well, Pinocchio shoves Dave down the basement stairs.

Ok, I'm gonna backtrack for a moment. This movie does have it's flaws. So Dave is babysitting Zoe and he watched her take Pinocchio to bed with her. About an hour later, after Zoe had the conversation with the puppet about killing Dave, she leaves the room to stop Pinocchio, who scampered off into the basement. Zoe tells Dave she's going after him, but Dave stops her saying he'll get him. Dude...you saw Zoe take the puppet into the bedroom, how about asking HOW he ended up in the basement?

Whatever, he gets pushed and ends up in the hospital.

Zoe takes Pinocchio with her to the therapist's office and when the therapist leaves the room for a moment, she has another conversation with Pinocchio. The therapist tapes all his sessions though and shows Jennifer the tape and we see Zoe talking only to herself. OOOH!!!

Anyway, this movie really shouldn't have been as good as it was. It's not GREAT by any stretch, but it wasn't what I was expecting. The acting was good, the writing was pretty solid, and fucking Pinocchio was creepy as fuck. So what happened? Is it all in Zoe's head?

We really don't get an answer. Jennifer gets fed up, takes Pinocchio and locks him in her trunk. But soon, the live-in maid ends up killed and Jennifer gets hit on the head. Then she sees Pinocchio running around, trying to kill her. When Jennifer tries to fight him off, we see it was really Zoe she was fighting off!

So now Zoe is in a mental hospital, Jennifer swears it was Pinocchio and the movie just ends. Uh, how about look in the "tunk"? If it's in there, it's Zoe. If not, it's alive! And before you ask, we don't get any indication that Pinocchio was possessed by Vincent or anything evil. There isn't much of an explanation besides "Maybe it was Zoe."

I say check it out. You probably think I'm crazy but as a guy who uses inanimate objects in my own videos and other people's videos I tend to get creeped out by shit like this. The main stuffed animal that I use, Cokie is...oh he's in Texas right now. OH SHIT NICK RUN!!!!

-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #25: Triple Threat

2012-01-19T14:32:00.001-05:00

For the start of the third season of The Lair, Jason and Nolahn welcome their close friend Nick Jobe from Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob. They discuss the various projects Nick is working and quickly get to work in covering THREE movies: Creepshow 3, Neverending Story 3, and Shark Attack 3: Megalodon!

Jason and Nolahn also has an announcement on the future of the show, because it is there where you and I will spend the rest of our lives! Oh, and we apologize for the singing.

Reader's Choice: Cool As Ice

2012-01-17T12:48:00.000-05:00

"Cool As Ice" is one of those movies everyone thinks I've seen already because I tell them I like to watch bad movies. "Oh so you've seen 'Cool As Ice' then. God that's awful, isn't it?" And I had to tell them the truth. "Oh yeah, it's fucking terrible."

What? I can't lose my street cred.

Anyway, now I can finally speak the truth because I have indeed watched the Vanilla Ice movie "Cool As Ice". Boy, I'm so glad they stopped making movies based on pop singers who were hot at the time. If they kept making movies like this, that'd be really fucking annoying.

Yes, at one point in this country, Vanilla Ice was a household name. I'm not saying he's bad, it's just more of a sign of the times. He was a pretty good rapper. And tell me you don't know the lyrics to "Ice Ice Baby". Go ahead and lie to me and tell me you don't. So naturally, someone said "Hey lets put him in a movie!"

And that movie starts off with, of course, Ice playing in a club while a bunch of hot chicks dance around. Ice performs a song about being "Cool As Ice" and there's Naomi Campbell in her pre-phone throwing days. Well, who knows, maybe she threw phones back then. She certainly didn't throw it when her agent called to be in this movie.

Anyway, Ice and his crew is leaving. They get on their hard core motorcycles and head to the next town, I guess. I'm assuming at this point Ice is playing himself and this is him on tour. But he travels without luggage or equipment so I have no idea how he's been getting by.

Eventually, he spots Kathy riding her horse off the side of the road. Ice thinks she's hot and the only way to express this is by doing a motorcycle stunt in front of her, spooking the horse, and throwing her off. Thankfully, she doesn't end up like Christopher Reeves. And this makes an horrible first impression.

We learn a bit about Kathy's home life. Her dad is Michael Gross and she's got a younger brother named Tommy. And then the most pointless news report on the face of the planet plays on TV. Some NATIONAL news program came to Kathy and did a story on her because she rides horses, gets good grades, and loves her parents!

HOLY FUCK STOP THE PRESSES! I'm serious, that was the whole point of the news report. That's like if they did a news report on your every day life.

"Hello, I'm Brian Williams. He likes to get up in the morning, take a shower, then leave for work. There, he earns money."
"That's right, I like money so I work here."
"Fascinating! More as it develops!"

During the report, a guy played by "HEY IT'S THAT GUY" Jack McGee (Seriously, read his IMDB page, he's been in EVERYTHING) is watching and he spots Michael Gross and is shocked that the dad from "Family Ties" has anything to do with this god damn movie.

During all this, one of Ice's friends bike breaks down and they end up in this neighborhood. There, they find this weird house that's decorated kinda...weird. There's spinning globes all over, there's giant books propped up, and actual written words are painted on the walls. It's kinda weird. Anyway, they meed Roscoe, who looked really familiar to me but I think it had something to do with him kinda acting bad and all bad actors tend to blend in. Anyway, Roscoe promises to fix the bike but hilarity ensues when they TOTALLY disassemble the bike! OH NO!!

Ice sees the report as well and this makes him fall even more in love or something. And he's so in love that when they meet again, he steals her organizer full of important papers! And of course Kathy has a boyfriend named Nick, who is a royal asshole. Honestly, you can write this entire movie in your head.

Turns out Michael Gross is in the witness protection program and he use to be a cop, who turned in some bad cops. So now those bad cops are after him. And all because some news station was bored and did a boring story on a girl who does regular stuff.

BREAKING NEWS! "This man also likes to eat food!"
"Yeah, when I get hungry, I like to eat."
"WOW!!! Back to you!"

Kathy goes to this lame club with Nick when Ice shows up, and does a song. Of course, everyone is into it...besides Nick. Nick shows how much of an ass he is by manhandling her. You know "The Godfather" has the famous catch phrase "I'll make him an offer he can't refuse"? Well, "Cool As Ice" tries to one-up them with Ice's brilliant delivery of "Drop that zero and get with this hero!"

Beautiful. I dunno who won for Best Actor in 1992 but god damn, it should've been Vanilla Ice.

The next day, Ice is suddenly in Kathy's bedroom. Stalker, much? He wants to go on a date with her and she reluctantly accepts. And their date is the most random date ever. And it's told over the course of 4 montages. First they go to a construction site where some houses are being built and they run around that for five minutes. Then she tries to teach him how to ride a horse but fails. And then after I said "But he didn't teach her how to ride his bike", they have a scene of her learning how to ride his bike. Then they're in some field of wheat where I swear to god they fucked. They had to have fucked. And finally, they're in some desert, just laughing while he dances. This went on for like 10 minutes! It was insane!

Oh dammit, I forgot a couple of scenes. To sum up the scenes I forgot, after Kathy and Nick got into a fight, Ice took her home. When he went back to the club, he found Nick and Nick's friends destroying the bikes that belong to Ice's friends, so Ice beats up Nick, which sends him to the hospital. And there was this weird scene where the camera just zoomed around Kathy's family. It wasn't explained at all.

Alright, now we're caught up. Michael Gross thinks Ice is teamed up with the cops after him and doesn't want Kathy to hang around him. He tells her the truth about who he is and what he did and she agrees to give him the cold shoulder. But Tommy (the younger brother) wants Ice to give him a ride on his bike, so Ice does so. When Tommy returns home, the cops are waiting and they kidnap him.

Michael Gross still thinks Ice had something to do with all this, but Kathy says "NO!!!!!" and runs out the house. She tells Ice about the kidnapping and here Ice plays CSI as he listens to the ransom demand tape and hears construction noises in the background.

Ice, Kathy, and Ice's crew (with the bike now all fixed up, I wonder if Roscoe had to fix the other damaged bike?) show up at the site, drive their bikes through the cop's hideout, and save Tommy. It's only this action does Michael Gross know that Ice had nothing to do with the kidnapping and that he's ok enough to date Kathy.

After a long 5 minute scene of Ice performing a song at another club and dancing with Kathy, the movie finally comes to an end. I will say this movie is horrible but it's the fun kind of horrible, that you can watch with some during a bad movie night and just laugh at everything.

The clothing is fucking terrible. I have no idea if Ice dressed himself or someone thought this was how he dressed. Everything was just so bright. I was a teenager in the '90s but I never embraced this style. Thank god, cause I was picked on enough growing up.

Yo, let's get out of here. Word to ya mother!

-Jason

The Netflix Corner #11

2012-01-14T08:00:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the first Saturday edition of The Netflix corner. I moved it cause people with "day jobs" were complaining. So if you work on Saturdays, well, sorry. I dunno what to tell you. Anyway, this week's Instant Watch suggestion would've been last week's but I wanted to get "Parents" out there first. So now I can present:

Yeah. I reviewed this last week. But I think you REALLY should watch this movie if you like anthology films, horror-comedies, and just gross out humor overall. It's smart AND stupid all at the same time. I fucking love it and I think you will too.

Onto The Netflix Game! We got a newcomer, who promised she'll be around every week. Let's see if she lives up to her promise.

Nick-26
Dan-10
Steve-7
Dylan-5
Rachel-4
Joanna-3
Joe-2

And here are last week's answers:
Hard: This guy really hates his girlfriend's ex-boyfriends.-Scott Pilgrim vs The World
Medium: Some girl must save her boyfriend in three different ways.-Run Lola Run
Easy: A teenager goes looking for a baby and some weird stuff happens.-Labyrinth

Without further ado, here is this week's clues!

Hard: One strong guy really hates another strong guy.
Medium: A stupid girl doesn't realize she's been talking to her crush this entire time.
Easy: A poor guy uses magic to be a rich guy to win a girl.

Good luck!
-Jason

MOTM: The Evil Dead

2012-01-13T10:25:00.001-05:00

For those of you not in the know, every month at The LAMB, we get to vote on which movie gets to be Movie of the Month. Then people get together on The LAMBcast and talk about the movie. The last time I participated in this was either "Black Dynamite" or "This is Spinal Tap". Since then, it's been nothing but weird artsy movies no one ever heard of and I was sad. Then I saw "Evil Dead" was listed as an option and I fought for it. Fought hard. I begged all my readers to go vote and clearly, I have SOME pull cause it won, by what I'd like to think as a landslide.

Anyway, "The Evil Dead". I have an interesting history with this movie. I seen the sequel first because it was the one everyone talked about all the time. Then oddly enough, I watched "Army of Darkness" next. It wasn't until a bit later that I watched the original and was completely blown away at how similar it was to the sequel. So what's the story?

"The Evil Dead" is about five friends who decide to go to the creepiest cabin they can find in the creepiest woods they could find. The cabin use to belong to an archaeologist professor guy who was looking for the Necronomicon aka "The Book of the Dead". One of them, I think it was Ash (Bruce Campbell), plays a recording the professor left reciting passages of the book, unwittingly unleashing evil forces in the woods.

This includes demons, ghosts, and a force we only see in POV shots. More or less all the friends either end up dead or possessed, leaving Ash all alone. And I guess I have to talk about the tree scene. So one girl decides to make a run for it but all the trees in the forest come alive and start trapping her. Soon enough, one of the trees decides to get fresh with her and more or less rapes her. It's a classic scene.

The scenes with Ash alone fighting the "evil dead" is what makes this movie entertaining. I suppose this is why he and writer/director Sam Raimi decided to do it all over again for "Evil Dead 2". Here's what I tell people about the "Evil Dead" series: if you like straight up horror, watch the first film. If you like comedy and screwball antics, watch the sequels. Same story, different genres.

As for the first film, I like it enough but I do perfer the sequels. I will give this film credit for being the launching pad of both Bruce Campbell AND Sam Raimi. It's a cult classic and obviously I love it. I know it won't be for everybody but still, it's a fun movie. I say check it out!

-Jason

Reader's Choice: Rubber

2012-01-11T12:00:00.000-05:00

Hamlet:
"O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!"

Polonius:
[Aside] Though this be madness, yet there is method in't.

An aquaintence of mine very recently told me a delightful story about his siblings visiting the city of El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de los Ángeles del Río de Porciúncula (which translates to "The Town of Our Lady the Queen of the Angels of the River Porciúncula) and how he just happened upon a delightful motion picture.

The sibling of my aquaintence said the motion picture, while not one to be found easily in the trade papers you or I often frequent, was one that many of us who is quite fond of such risque cinema should indeed see for yourself. That motion picture is titled: "Rubber".

"Rubber" (or "gaucho" or "goma" if you will) is a motion picture written and directed by Quentin Dupieux, a French gentleman who moonlights as a musician. The motion picture takes us on a daring ride of the macabre and has us, the audience, asking "when is enough?"

The start of the motion picture depicts a gentleman in a policeman's uniform arriving at the scene in the trunk of a car. This is a clear indication that this policeman does not follow the rules of the road and disagrees with the strict seatbelt laws this country has set upon us. "I shall overcome this by riding in the trunk" he surely thought to himself. "For it is there that no one will know that I am, in fact, NOT wearing a seatbelt."

Mr. Policeman as I will call him because his name just happens to escape me at the moment, explains the motion picture directly to us. This is a quaint device. I only wished more motion pictures used this device. Imagine if, say, Jason Voorhees would put down the machete, pick up a cup of Earl Gray tea, and tell us WHY he proceeds to brutally murder helpless teenagers.

Mr. Policeman explains that motion pictures don't make sense and cites many examples, including "E.T", "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", and a personal favorite of mine "Love Story". The film we will be seeing tonight is one such film that will be pointless and not make sense.

It is then revealed that there is a group of people, holding binoculars, about to watch said film with us. The group consists of the usual bi-standers who watch such films. You have the two bratty teenage girls, the two "movie geeks" if you will, and a mish-mash of other people.

Then our real story begins when we meet Robert, a lonely car tire. Obviously, the tire represents a human being. It is suddenly thrust into a world in which he does not understand. The first object he encounters is a water bottle. Water, being the source of all life, is important for all living things to continue living. But here, the water bottle is empty, much like Robert. He is only a tire, therefore is incapable of expressing emotions and thoughts.

Robert, however, isn't completely without talent. He does have the ability to make things explode by merely "looking" at it. He first discovers this talent with a beer bottle. The obvious message here is that all alcohol is evil and must be dispelled.

In between scenes of Robert discovering his new life and the "watchers" saying things you or I would say if we were to watch this movie together in my den one fine evening, we meet a beautiful young lady who is driving. Her name is unimportant, which clearly means that women, through the eyes of Mr. Dupieux are just people to him. How bold of him, I must say.

The woman, whom I'll name Maria, is driving through the desert when Robert spots her. It is clear Robert is in love with Maria, but alas! He has no penis in which to make love! How will he show his affection to Maria? I know, I shall follow her!

Maria and Robert end up in a hotel and we do get a very naughty scene in which Robert spies on Maria getting naked. We do see her tush but I had turned away. I must save such things for marriage, you know. The "watchers", however, keep on watching. It is clear the watchers represent Joe and Jane Everyday Movie Watcher and are not of the upmost stature like myself. They are the ones who see "Transformer" movies and "Alvin And The Chimpmunks".

It is then the motion picture takes an even more bizarre turn when we meet a skinny nerdy man, who plans on poisoning the "watchers". All the "watchers" take the poison but one man: an older gentleman in a wheelchair. This obviously represents how the filmmakers today just want to poison the minds of Joe and Jane Everyday Movie Watcher and they'll "eat up" anything Hollywood gives to them. The mere fact the poison is put in a turkey, representing them "gobbling" all this up, makes this clear.

But what of the old man? He doesn't look like a dandy chap. He's wearing a plaid shirt (PLAID!) and a baseball cap. Who does he represent? He is a mystery. We may never know the answer to this. Then the film does something most daring.

The actors IN SAID MOTION PICTURE just decide to stop being in the movie. This represents how tired they are of pretending to be something they are not and how much they hate Joe and Jane Everyday Movie Watcher! But thanks to the older gentleman, they must continue! Even if there's only one person in the audience, the show must go on! Excelsior!

Now that the motion picture shall continue, Robert goes on the most brutal killing spree and it's up to our policemen and women to stop him! They try to fool the tire by having a manniquin stand at his front doorstep with a bomb, in hopes of tricking him to blow himself up. It's quite a complicated plan. And even our older "watcher" takes issue with this.

Wouldn't it be great to ask the movie characters why they do the things they do? OF COURSE! This represents the movie watcher NOT TAKING IT ANYMORE! How could I be so blind? STUPID, STUPID! Before I go beat myself up for missing such an obvious metaphor, I shall finish this review.

Robert causes the manniquin to explode but he doesn't die. The policeman, tired of all this tire business, just simply walks into the residents and shoots Robert until he is flat and dead. But, alas, we have a twist ending. Robert...is now a tri-cycle! This obviously represents his "rebirth" by being born into a child's toy.

Robert the tri-cycle moves along his merry way, enjoying himself when suddenly he spots OTHER living tires! He is now no longer lonely and needs the companionship of Maria! Where does Robert and his friend go? To Hollywood. OBVIOUSLY this represents the film heading to Hollywood, the place motion pictures are made. And his friends all represent all the sequels that Hollywood will make from this movie.

And with that we come to a close. Oh this film is such a delight. I love all the double meanings, the metaphors, and symbolism. Of course there will be many detractors who will downplay this film and take it at a "horror" level. Those brutes do not know anything about the art of filmmaking. I applaud Mr. Dupieux for taking a brave step in making this motion picture. Bravo, dear sir, bravo!

It reminds me of something Berowne said in "Love's Labor's Lost" Act 1. scene 1, 72-79:

Berowne:
Why! all delights are vain, but that most vain
Which, with pain purchas'd, doth inherit pain:
As, painfully to pore upon a book
To seek the light of truth, while truth the while
Doth falsely blind the eyesight of his look.
Light, seeking light, doth light of light beguile;
So ere you find where light in darkness lies,
Your light grows dark by losing of your eyes.

Indeed, good fellows, indeed.

-Sir Bosco

Reader's Choice: Zombie Nation

2012-01-10T12:41:00.000-05:00

I don't even know who to be mad at: myself for putting this selection in the poll or the four of you who voted for this. I guess I have no one to blame but myself. I had NO IDEA just how fucking horrible this was going to be. If I known, I would've just left it off and replaced it with, I dunno, "A Serbian Film 2: MORE FUCKED UP THAT THE FIRST". But I digress.

"Zombie Nation" is written and directed by Ulli Lommel, who is the worst fucking director on the face of the planet. I rather watch a marathon of Michael Bay films, mixed in with Uwe Boll films than watch a Lommel film. He did "BTK Killer" which should've been some sign from above but did I listen? NOOOOOOO!

I don't plan on spending a lot of time with this. The movie focuses on Joe, an asshole cop who pulls over hot women, arrests them on false charges, and take them to his house. His house? A fucking warehouse. And I'm sure it's the same house/warehouse used in "BTK Killer" as well. Anyway, what makes this so special is he has a partner. And the partner just sits outside, waiting for him.

When Joe returns without the girl AND a heavy duffel bag that he's putting in the trunk, the partner doesn't think anything about it. Jesus Christ, man! Anyway, we find out Joe, obviously, has some mental issues. His mom was some doctor in an insane asylum who abused her patients and abused him. That's about all we get.

So we spend 45 minutes on this cop plot and I'm left wondering "when do the fucking zombies show up?" What is it with me and horrible zombie movies that don't feature zombies through the whole movie? I mean I had "Wiseguys vs Zombies", "Vampires vs Zombies", fucking "ZOMBIEZ" and now "Zombie Nation".

Well, we are getting to it, believe it or not. The partner finally realizes something is up (NO SHIT! REALLY?!) and reports this to the captain. OH! The police station? Another warehouse. Swear to fucking god. This whole movie is like someone put on a stage play. In fact, if it was a stage play put on by a 2nd grade class, it'd be 200 million times better. Fuck!

The captain, who is friends with Joe, just makes the partner do paper work and sends another guy to be Joe's partner. When this partner also reports something is fishy with Joe, then Internal Affairs gets involved, suspends Joe, and makes him get psychiatric counseling.

For the first hour of the film, we don't see Joe murder the women. But then he picked up a Romanian chick, who's the hottest girl in this movie so she must be a stripper or porn star in real life, who had a voodoo spell put on her. What do you need to tell your audience that voodoo is happening?

1. Black chicks in Jamaican clothing.
2. A pigs head
3. Candles
4. A spider
5. A snake
6. Blood
7. Crosses. Crosses fucking everywhere.

So they put a spell on her, Romanian chick leaves and is immediately arrested by Joe. Then we see how they murder her. I don't watch the show "Dexter" but I know enough about it to know that either this movie ripped them off, or somehow they ripped this movie off cause he's a cop, who kills people, by injecting them with something lethal. I'm sure the only difference is "Dexter" doesn't make you want to rip your brain out and set it on fire.

And another thing, what the fuck is stopping all these partners from just going into Joe's place with their POLICE ISSUED GUNS and stopping him if they KNOW HE'S MURDERING WOMEN INSIDE?! It's all fucking retarded.

Anyway, Joe murders the Romanian chick and she comes back to life...along with Joe's other victims. And here's a twist: they act like living human beings with one exception: they have black eye make-up all around their eyes. So they're part zombie, part raccoon.

And I guess Joe only murdered five people ever cause only five girls come back to life. One of them, who is more Aunt like than hot, wants to see her boyfriend but because when she looks in the mirror....she looks like a zombie....but when you look at her in person...she doesn't....I don't fucking know I didn't fucking understand it. ARRGH!!!

Alright so you know where this is all going. They look for Joe, find him, and eventually kill him. When they report back to the voodoo priestess chicks and tell them they ate him, they freak out. Why? "Cause when you bite a human being, they too become a zombie!"

Wait. I know I didn't mention it but when the girls first came to life, they met two different guys. They bit and killed both of them and really for no reason now that I think about it. So now you're saying Joe AND those two guys are zombies? Care to take care of that? No? Alrighty then.

So for some fucking dumbass reason, all the girls are now cops, but they wear those sexy stripper cop uniforms so maybe this REALLY wasn't a police station after all. I don't fucking know, I'm just glad it's over.

Think of the worst movie you ever seen, multiply it by 20 and you'll only have HALF the horribleness of this fucking movie. DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE! I BEG YOU!! DO NOT WATCHING THIS FUCKING MOVIE! IT'S NOT FUN! NO!!!! JUST...Fuck you Ulli Lommel! FUCK YOU! I hope you Google your name, find this review, and see that I said that. And you know what? Email me: invasionofthebmovies@gmail.com give me your address and we will fight! I WILL FIGHT YOU!!

ARRRRGH!!!

-Jason

The Netflix Corner #10

2012-01-05T09:45:00.000-05:00

Today's Netflix Instant Watch recommendation came to me as a surprise. I loved this movie when I was a kid, but it's really hard to track down on DVD. I'm talking about:

Since most people probably aren't familiar, the movie is about a kid who realizes his parents are cannibals, and they're feeding the kid human meat. It's kind of a fucked up story, but you should still check it out.

Onto The Netflix Game! For the first time, three different people got three answers! Here are the scores:

Nick-26
Dan, Steve-7
Dylan-5
Rachel-4
Joe-2

And here are last week's answers:

Hard: A guy sets out to make a movie about another guy, but that guy decides to make a movie about him instead.-Exit Through The Gift Shop
Medium: A married couple has some unexpected guests in their house and need the help of a strange guy to get rid of them.-Beetlejuice
Easy: Kinda like "Hamlet" but set in a jungle-The Lion King

And here's this week's puzzle:
Hard: This guy really hates his girlfriend's ex-boyfriends.
Medium: Some girl must save her boyfriend in three different ways.
Easy: A teenager goes looking for a baby and some weird stuff happens.

That's it. Good luck to everybody!
-Jason

Reader's Choice: Chillerama

2012-01-04T19:00:00.001-05:00

Yet another horror anthology film, but this is is oh so different. And excuse me, I have to make a lame joke here. *ahem* Wouldn't be awesome if Wilmer Valderama was in "Chillerama"? There, done.

There's 3 (technically 4) stories, all of them short horror movies being played at a drive-in. The drive-in is closing down and this night is their last night, so the owner Cecil (Richard Riehle) is showing four obscure films as one last "fuck you" to the people that bought the drive-in and forced him to close it.

The first film is called "Wadzilla". Yes, you heard me correctly. It's gonna be THAT kind of movie. Anyway, "Wadzilla" is a play on old 1950's monster movies and it's pretty funny. Laura Palmer's father plays a doctor who gives Miles some medicine to boost his sperm. But the medicine causes his sperm to grow into size and eventually attack New York City.

The ending is really hilarious. I won't say too much but if you ever wanted to see The Statue of Liberty give a strip tease, this is the movie for you. What I loved about this movie is every other scene features all the characters smoking on screen. Of course, this is a light jab at the fact many movies today can't feature smoking and how everybody seemed to smoke in the '50s.

The stuff around the four films follow a group of movie nerd friends and them being in love with each other. Ryan is in love with the drive-in concession stand chick Desi, while Tobe and Mayna have feelings for each other.

The next movie is called "I Was A Teenage Were-Bear". And I'll be honest, this is the weaker of the three (maybe 4) stories. It really doesn't know what it wants to be. It's a beach blanket movie mixed in with a teenage monster movie. There's Ricky, the all-American high school kid who is dating Peggy Lou, but he may have a deep dark secret.

Ok, he's gay, alright? The entire movie is one big gay joke. And funny enough, it's a musical. I'll admit the songs are funny and catchy. Anyway, Ricky is bitten by Talon, the gay greaser guy and he turns into a "were-bear". Since I said this was one big gay joke, "bear" in this sense refers to the big hairy gay guys. There's not too much more I can say about this story.

Also happening around the 3 (4) features is this dude who I thought was Ray Liotta who dug up his dead wife and tried to fuck the corpse. But the dead wife came back to life, bit off his balls, and is slowly turning him into a zombie. To help heal his zombie wounds, Ray Liotta uses popcorn butter, which then gets used on the customer's popcorn.

The third story, easily the best fucking story in this movie, is "The Diary of Anne Frankenstein". So it's revealed that Anne Frank and her family are distant relatives of Dr. Frankenstein (makes sense if you think about it) and Anne finds the good doctor's medical journal.

Then Hitler shows up, kills The Franks, and steals it. I want to mention that Hitler is played by Joel David Moore. If you know who that is, that should give you some idea of how funny this whole bit is. What makes this even more funny is the fake German they speak. Instead of using actual German, they just say gibberish and mix in things like "Goldie Hawn" and "Vincent Van Gogh".

So Hitler uses Dr. Frankenstein's journal to create a Nazi monster. Who looks Jewish. And named Meshugannah. And I'm not even fucking kidding when I say Meshugannah is played by Kane Hodder. You have NO FUCKING IDEA how awesome that is. Anyway, things kinda go wrong and you need to see all the gags for yourself.

Everyone at the drive-in are slowly becoming zombies, but not just any kind of zombies: HORNY ZOMBIES! Fuck, didn't I deal with that yesterday? Anyway, everybody who was in love confess their love and suddenly it's revealed...THIS IS THE FOURTH FILM! OH SNAP!

What's great about this is since the movie features movie nerd characters, all the dialogue is nothing but movie quotes! I mean you got "GET TO THE CHOPPA" to "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND", it's so fucking awesome. I won't even spoil all this for you. Just go see it now. It is on Netflix Instant Watch.

And that's it. Thanks to the three of you who voted for this. I'm guessing this didn't get a lot of votes cause people didn't know just how fucking awesome this movie was. But seriously, I think I have a new favorite movie.

-Jason

PS: I SO wanted to give this five stars, but since "Were-Bear" was kinda weak, I had to deduct a star. Kinda sad, really.

Reader's Choice: Deadtime Stories Volumes 1 and 2

2012-01-03T16:59:00.000-05:00

As you probably noticed on the cover, George A. Romero attached his name to this. Romero has an interesting career. He's made a slew of good films in his younger days, but the older he gets, the more shit-tastic his films become. Many people didn't like "Diary of the Dead", while I thought it was just alright. "Survival of the Dead" on the other hand, sucks balls so badly it hurts.

But here, Romero only produced the two movies I'll be covering today. And he plays the "host". The host bits are easily the most lame things about these films, and there's a lot here to fucking hate. And as you no doubt figured out, this is an anthology series, movies that tell multiple stories. Thankfully, both films tell three stories each so you're not stuck with this mess for too long. Unfortunately, there's two films of this shit. So let's get going.

The reason Romero's "host" bits are lame is because he makes these horrible puns and corny jokes that'll make The Cryptkeeper blush. And he sometimes speaks in rhyme, which makes the whole thing worse. And to top it off, he looks roughly 200 years old. The giant ass Kim Jong Il glasses don't help any either.

Our first story, called "The Valley Of Something Or Another" (fuck, this was 6 stories ago, you expect me to remember) we meet Angela as she's in an office of some rich asshole. The rich asshole wants to know why he should give her money to go looking for her dead husband. She says there's more money in it for him. And maybe a nice peek at her boobs. Well, she never says that but if someone needs convincing of something, and he's an asshole, it wouldn't hurt.

Despite lack of boob showing, the asshole agrees to give her the money to go look for the husband, but only if he comes along. Turns out the husband was part of some scientific crew sent to some jungle to find something and he never returned. Apparently the trees in this jungle grows something that looks like E.T's dick. And actually, you know the film "Cannibal Holocaust"? This is pretty much the exact same thing. Just no missing footage.

The only thing different is the final shot of Angela's head resting on a stake in the jungle and she's talking to the other heads, one of them belonging to her husband. So in away, she found him. The problem with this story was the set up took for-fucking-ever. But this set up was quicker compared to the next story.

The next story is called "Wet". We meet Jack, a down on his luck guy who lives alone in some crappy beach house. He digs for treasures in the sand and sells them for money, which then turns into booze. One day, he's looking around when he spots a box with a skeleton hand inside it. He throws the hand in a drawer and decides to sell the box to an antique's dealer named Swan.

Swan recognizes the box and tells Jack a story of how he killed a mermaid, cut her up into pieces, and put the pieces in the boxes. Yeah, you heard me. Apparently, mermaid's are evil crazy bitches and you have to kill them before they kill you and the only way they'll stay dead is if you put them in these boxes. Jack goes "...ok then" and goes home...to dig up more mermaid parts.

He simply throws the remains into a regular box, buries it, and cleans up the fancy boxes to sell so he can buy an entire liquor store when, say it with me, the mermaid comes to life. She proceeds to give him a blowjob, but the thing about mermaids (that I learned from this movie anyway) is while giving blowjobs, their faces turn into fishes and bite off penis'.

The next day, Swan goes to Jack's place to make sure he didn't do what he did and he finds Jack, minus any legs but has a mermaid fin. So he's a merman? Is that how that works? Anyway, Swan kills Jack and puts his pieces into the boxes when the mermaid, now with real legs, shows up and takes Swan away to Mermaid Island or something. Hm, maybe this is a live action version of "The Little Mermaid". Under The Sea, indeed.

This story took FOR FUCKING EVER, much like the last one. It was roughly 25 minutes long and the action part took up the last 2. It was so boring, I was playing Angry Birds on my tablet during most of it and was still able to recall what happened. Jesus, George. Speed things along, will ya?

The last story, "Housecall", was directed by Tom Savini. And this story is the most annoying of them all. I guess Savini wanted to make this story a throw back to old timey movies but holy fuck he didn't have to be annoying about it. Instead of using full screen, or wide screen, he had the entire movie play out in this small box in the center of the screen. It was like watching a movie through a View-Finder.

This story looked at how long the other stories took to set shit up and said "Bitch, please" and made it ALL SET UP! Oh my god, I could've fallen asleep during this story and still tell you what happened. Pretty much, some lady calls a doctor telling him her son Jimmy thinks he's a vampire.

The doctor shows up and listens to Mom tell all the stories Jimmy told her about sucking all the blood out of the neighbors. And each story is shown in some detail. Actually, we don't even know Jimmy is a vampire until the final 2 minutes. They talk all around it, making it seem like he's a werewolf at first, then maybe he's possessed by Satan, and finally maybe a serial killer. But nope, vampire. And there's a twist ending that I'm gonna tell you cause you probably don't care enough to see this movie.

The doctor is the head vampire. He meant to kill Jimmy but only turned him. But now the doctor kills Jimmy, then bites and kills the Mom. The end. Fuck you, Tom Savini.

And that's it for Volume 1. Three horrible boring corny stories. And you know what's terrible? There's still Volume 2...AND IT'S LONGER THAN VOLUME 1! FUCK!!

So we get George again saying the same shit he said in the first volume. Then he introduces the first story, called "The Gorge". You seen "The Descent"? How about "Alive"? This story is a combination of the two. But you know what's weird? This story...was somewhat interesting.

There's three friends, two guys and a girl. One guy and the girl are engaged to be married. The other guy is the smart ass tag-a-long friend who decides to take them cave exploring as a wedding gift or some shit. They start climbing through the caves when it sounds like a thunder storm is occuring but it's actually a cave in. So all three people are stuck in this cave with no way out. And the male fiancee broke his ankle, so isn't able to walk.

Two weeks later, they're eating bats, then rats, and finally around Day 29, the goofball friend suggests killing the male fiancee and eat him. The girl, desperate, agrees. It's only after they do this when they're rescued. So now the girl and the friend are in a hospital, and they don't wanna tell anyone they ate the guy so they said he died in the cave in or something. Then the girl gets a guilty conscience and suddenly has a taste for flesh.

She kills, then eats the friend, only leaving behind his skeleton and she runs off into the woods, going back to the cave they were at. As much as I was liking this story, they ruined it by the end. For no reason that they explained, they had her turn into a witch. Seriously, a witch. She had an ugly face, a wart on her nose, and was just laughing evilly. I guess turning into a cannibal turns you into a witch.

The second story "On Sabbath Hill" was actually kinda good. Meaning, compared to the other films that is. It's like getting beat up by the same bully 5 days in a row, then on the sixth day he just fucks your Mom. Yeah, kinda like that. The entire story plays out like a rejected Lifetime movie they show on Halloween. There's a professor dude who's married with two kids. He's an hard-ass professor, making sure the students are always in his class and on time. If anyone misses just one class, he kicks them out and fails them. And he's having an affair with the hottest girl in the class named Jennifer.

That night, after he and Jennifer got it on, she tells him she's pregnant with his kid. Of course he wants to have an abortion but she won't. Then she leaves. The next day, Jennifer take a gun from her roommate's nightstand, goes to his class, and shoots herself in the head.

The professor tells the students class will go on as planned and talks about World War II while her dead body rots away there. Ok, not really. But he says there's still class the next day. But all throughout the night, he keeps hearing her voice and even sees her shadow.

Yeah, we all know where this is going.

I really don't know if this story is as good as I think it is or if my mind just gave up at this point and decided to give in to the awfulness. You'd think after all the shit I've seen, I would be use to it.

Anyway, it's not too long when he starts seeing her show up in class and soon starts haunting him. The roommate tells the professor she found Jennifer's diary, which reveals the entire affair, including the baby. And confesses it was her gun, which she stole back during the chaos after Jennifer died. And for whatever reason, the roommate gives the professor the gun. Ok.

So the next day, during class, the professor has a big giant mental freak out when Dead Jennifer starts giving birth to a undead baby. This freaks him out so much that he takes the gun and shoots himself. OOH! You know if this was Harry Potter, he'd just continue teaching that class.

Alright. One more story. And boy, it's a fucking doozy. It's called "Dust". And I'm just gonna jump over the boring shit and tell you Mars dust cures cancer and turns you into a nymphomaniac.

Hm. Ok, I guess some backstory would help. We meet George, a security guard at some scientific research place. His wife is dying of cancer and is gonna die any minute now. One night, George meets Alex, a scientist. Alex tells George that NASA sent them this dust from Mars and needs to test it for stuff. Alex is close to figuring out that it might be able to cure diseases. George thinks it could cure his wife's cancer, so he steals a small vile of the stuff and takes it home.

He mixes it with water and puts it in her IV tube and two hours later, she's healthy. And naked. And wants to fuck. All the time. That's all she wants to do is fuck. It got so bad I thought it was gonna turn into a porn film any minute. Then I wondered what the ending was gonna be like.

Here's what I came up with before I saw the ending:
1. She's gonna be so horny that she fucks herself to death, riding a sharp steel spike of some kind.
2. She was gonna start fucking dead bodies, because for some reason they live in a cemetary.
3. She's gonna fuck George to death.

So it turns out the dust wears off and the wife gets sick again. George promises to get more dust, so he takes a giant thermos to work and fills it up with Mars dust. Alex catches him and tells him he can't cause it's risky. George simply bops him on the head with a walkie-talkie and this not only kills Alex but causes his fucking eyeball to pop out of his head. The fuck? Was his eyes held in by cheap super glue?

Anyway, George manages to take Alex's body and puts it in his trunk and he drives home. He puts Alex's body in a freezer and gives the wife some dust. Then they fuck some more. George is getting tired and is about to go to work when I was kinda sorta right about one of my theories:

She fucks Alex. But turns out Alex is now a zombie. I guess if you're George Romero and you make an anthology movie, you gotta have zombies in it somewhere. Anyway, the wife is into this and wants George to join in on the weird necrophilia three-some here. George shoots Alex, and accidently shoots the wife, but they keep on coming towards him.

George runs out and soon, all the people in the graves start rising up. And then...that's it. So...did they all fuck George to death? Let's say yes and wrap this up.

Volume 2 is way better, but not by much. It's probably more interesting and SLIGHTLY better acted. I only loved the crazy ass third story in Vol. 2, but it was too little too late. Just skip Volume 1 and put on Volume 2 for only the third story. Maybe the second one if you have a lady hanging around.

And George Romero, just give it up, huh? Don't fuck up your legacy by putting out constant crap year and year. Ok? Thanks!

Volume 1:

Volume 2:

-Jason

Reader Choice Results

2012-01-01T18:09:00.001-05:00

So after much begging and plugging, I finally got enough votes to tally up all the movies I'll be watching in January. And I know certain people were wondering if certain movies will win or not. So let's not delay this any further. Going from the least amount of votes to most votes, I will be reviewing:

Deadtime Stores Part 1 and 2
Chillerama
Zombie Nation
Pinocchio's Revenge
Rubber
Cool As Ice
Birdemic
Die-ner (Get It?)
Starship Troopers
Long Kiss Goodnight

This is going to be the most interesting month ever. Thanks to all who voted!
-Jason

The Soto List: The Top Ten Awesome Things About 2011

2011-12-31T20:00:00.000-05:00

So 2011 is about to shut it's door on us and has we move on to the year that'll probably bring the end of the world, I thought this would be a good time to reflect on the year gone by. Sure, why not?

10. I Won My Third LAMMY-If this is the first post you've ever read of mine, The LAMMY's is an award the LAMB (Large Association of Movie Blogs) gives out every year to all it's members. Every year since I been a member I been nominated for "Best Horror/Sci Fi" blog and out of those four years, I won three times. I've been nominated for "Funniest Writer" once or twice but lost to people funnier than me. But this year, I racked up my 3rd win for Best Horror/Sci-Fi and I couldn't have been happier. Next year, I think I'd like to win Best Podcast for The Lair. That'd be awesome! Speaking of The Lair...

9. The Lair of the Unwanted Has Gotten More Awesome By The Episode-I'll be the first to admit the first season of The Lair was shaky at best. The sound was fucking terrible, I have no idea what the fuck I was doing, and I didn't know Nolahn very well so I'm sure the chemistry wasn't there. Now, as it wrapped up Season Two, I think we're firing on all cylinders. Me and Nolahn couldn't be better friends, I figured out how to fix the sound, and I sorta kinda know what I'm doing. And we've had some awesome guests come through. But watch out! Next year, baby!

8. My New Feature-About 10 weeks ago, I started a new feature called "The Netflix Corner" where I spotlight a movie that's on Netflix Instant Watch and then play a game where I give a Netflix-like description about a movie and people have to guess what it is. And in the years past, I've started many reoccurring features that never seem to pan out but this one, man, people took a liking to it. And I'm glad, cause I have fun with it.

7. All The Awesome Stuff I Wrote-This is gonna be the biggest ego-centric entry here. Just a quick look back at some of my favorite posts from the past year.
I reviewed Stacie Ponder's (AKA Final Girl) "Ludlow".
I reviewed "The Bride of Frank" after a friend of my Future Wife's sister kept telling me to.
After a shitty day at work, I watched and reviewed "Cannibal Holocaust".
I wasn't nominated for Most Funniest this year and this was my totally mature response.
31 Things I Learned From Watching Bad Movies
The Troll 2 Drinking Game
I reviewed "Dreamaniac"
Remembrances of Video Stores Gone By
Why We Need Video Stores Again
Me and Nick Jobe wrote an awesome detailed review of "A Serbian Film" for Halloween.
My Shia LaBeouf Post
And finally, my review of "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2".

6. I've Met Some New Friends-Thing about naming names is you're most likely bound to forget somebody. I've met a bunch of people this year through podcasts, Twitter, Facebook, and writing for MILF. Oh yeah, speaking of...

5. I Got To Write For Another Website-Earlier this year, Dylan and Kai shocked the blogasphere by announcing they were quitting their perspective blogs, joining forces, and starting a new site together! That ended up being Man, I Love Films. And in the days before they launched, they came up to me and said "We need someone to write awesome horror movie reviews" and when the person they had in mind couldn't do it, they asked if I could do it instead. I jumped in with both feet and I've been grateful ever since. I'm still nervous that I'm gonna fuck something up but it's been a lot of fun. Plus I get to write about GOOD horror movies from time to time. Oh and, uh, you should probably check out the other stuff posted at MILF. I guess.

4. All The Awesome Movies I Watched This Year-Whenever you get to review some of the worst movies that's ever existed, you tend to come across some...less than stellar films. But often among the turds, you'll find a shining diamond. For example, this year I got to watch a movie called "Truth or Dare? A Critical Madness" with some friends and it was seriously the best experience ever. Then I got to introduce "The Room" to someone and it was just great seeing her reaction to it and now she's obsessed with it. I'll say my work here is done.

3. This Awesome Comment Adam Left-As linked aboved, I wrote a post about how I could've prevented Shia LaBeouf from ever happening and about my journey into Project Greenlight. Adam, who sometimes write reviews here, left this awesome comment and I'm gonna post the whole thing here now:

Ugh. I remember Project Greenlight. I had 2 friends; one who swore that he was the next big Hollywood director and another who thought he was a brilliant writer. They wrote a script, which I won't write the title of here because these fuckers probably still google it once a week because they thought it was sooooo awesome they wouldn't shut up about it for 5 years after it was over. For all I know, they're still trying to secure funding for this shit.
Before they submitted their script, they had me read it and give them feedback. My payment for this service was a pack of cigarettes.
Anyway, their script was a ridiculously pretentious vampire "art" movie that had no action, was impossible to follow, and seemed to focus on some asshole vampire (who was too deep for his own good), brooding over whether or not he should turn a particular child into a vampire while sitting on freeway overpasses being sullen. His mother and girlfriend were also vampires and his mother told long, boring stories in a 24 hour coffee shop (this monstrosity was actually written at The Steer) that were supposed to be profound but were just painful to read. (Keep in mind that these assholes began writing this in the late 90's, when an idea this stupid wasn't actually too far off from the shitty vampire movies of our late high school years).

All I know is when I told them the dialogue sucked and that their was no action and nothing at all to draw anybody into the movie, they, of course, told me I just didn't understand their creative genius.
My favorite part of their criticism of my criticism was when the "director" told me that I just didn't understand film noir. Perplexed, I asked if this was some sort of stylized crime drama set in the 40's or 50's, or maybe supposed to be in that style and I just wasn't reading that in their script. He looked at me like I was retarded and said no. He had no idea what film noir was! Not that I have a firm background in it to this day, but you shouldn't throw around names of sub-genres if you are just guessing what they mean by taking French for a semester freshman year. (BTW, this asshole once put you in a lead role in a high school play).
Anyway, from what I remember, they both read the other scripts and gave them low ratings even though there was some supposedly awesome zombie comedy in there that blew their fucking minds. They didn't want to give it a high grade because they didn't want the competition. As you can imagine, their FUCKING AWFUL script got shitty reviews. But, obviously, the people reading it didn't know a thing about film noir.

Then I said it sounded worse than "Twilight" and he responded back with:

From what I can tell, the main difference between Twilight and their vampire movie is that Twilight has a plot and characters. It might be a shitty story with terrible characters, but still. Their movie had virtually no plot. I don't even think the characters had names; like the main guy was VAMPIRE and his mom was MOTHER and the child was THE CHILD. And seriously, virtually nothing happened. I can't stress this point enough. No vampire attacks. No group of intrepid teens hunting the vampires. All the conflict was internal and it wasn't resolved. It was just the main character sitting alone and being morose about his sad existence of sitting alone and being morose. I cannot stress how much I hated this "story."

2. The Awesome Episode of The LAMBcast I Hosted-Also known as "THE BEST EPISODE OF THE LAMBCAST EVER!!" Sometime in August, Dylan said he was too sick or tired or something to host a couple of episodes so I stepped in to host one episode and I decided to do a favorite of mine: Roll Your Own Top 5! And I took this opportunity to bring in Nolahn for this first ever LAMBcast experience. Add James, Tom Clift, and that Sam guy who'll never read this and you have yourself an awesome episode. Seriously, check it out here!

1. All My Readers-Sometimes it feels like I'm not super popular or get a lot of hits. I don't get much feedback and sometimes when I put a poll up, I have to beg people to participate in it. But in the long run, I am grateful to you guys who do take the time out to read it and I should be lucky to even have one person reading all this shit I write. So to you guys, I say thank you very much and of course Happy New Year!
-Jason

The Netflix Corner #9

2011-12-29T09:14:00.001-05:00

I hope you all had an awesome Christmas. I did. With that lame opening said, let's get to it.

I reviewed this movie for Man, I Love Films this week and it's my recommendation because this movie is strangely awesome. Of course, I'm talking about "New Years Evil".

Now, onto The Netflix Game. I thought for sure we'd have a stumper on our hands, but Steve always surprises me. Here's the current scores:

Nick-26
Dan-7
Steve-4
Rachel, Dylan-3
Joe-2

And here are last week's answers:
Hard: Big guy forgets who he is and thinks he's someone famous.-Santa With Muscles
Medium: This guy just wants to have the best Christmas ever! Dammit!-National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Easy: He needs to learn his lesson in time for Christmas. (Only taking ONE answer for this one.)-Scrooged

And here ya go:

Hard: A guy sets out to make a movie about another guy, but that guy decides to make a movie about him instead.
Medium: A married couple has some unexpected guests in their house and need the help of a strange guy to get rid of them.
Easy: Kinda like "Hamlet" but set in a jungle.

There ya go! Have fun!
-Jason

I Battled A Royale!

2011-12-27T20:51:00.001-05:00

If for some strange reason, you're not familiar with The Demented Podcast, it's a bi-weekly podcast by Nick Jobe and Steve Honeywell. They talk about two movies in a genre, then play this really hard but fun game at the end. I did so well on my episode that I was invited back in their big tournament called The Battle Royale. Give a listen before reading what I have to say about my appearance:

So did you listen? The fuck is the matter with me? All I can say is I got caught up in everything and got way too fucking cocky (or penis-y) and just fucked up. You have NO IDEA how awful I felt. And I fuckin' knew the answer but no! But oh well. It was still a lot of fun and I'll be back on their show next season. Hopefully I'll do better.

Hopefully.
-Jason

A Yearly Holiday Tradition

2011-12-24T01:38:00.001-05:00

I didn't film a new Christmas special this year so I'll just re-show you last years special. It's still pretty good if you ask me.

Anyway, Merry Christmas!
-Jason

2012 Will Be My Year...And YOURS!!

2011-12-22T12:59:00.000-05:00

So 2012 is literally a week away (or so) and there's all kinds of neat nifty things I'd like to accomplish before the world ends in December. One of them is to make The Lair of the Unwanted a Top 10 LAMB Podcast AND win a LAMMY. But while I work on all that, I decided it's time to give back to my readers. And how do I do that?

YOU TELL ME WHAT TO REVIEW! YAY!!!

Yes, it's Reader Recommendation time again! And this time it's gonna be a doozy. I'm gonna give you guys TWENTY (20) movies and the top 10 votes I will review. I posted links to the trailers to some of the movies, if you needed a clue on what they were. After watching some of them, I have some movies I hope will win, but this is all up to you guys, the reader!

Starship Troopers

Rubber

Birdemic

The Dentist

Deadtime Stories Part 1 and 2

Simon Says (not Simon Sez)

Seed

Visiting Hours

Bane

Open House

The Evolved

Make A Wish

Long Kiss Goodnight

The Task

I will allow for multiple votes so you can vote for whichever ones you want. I will keep it open until New Years Eve and on New Years Day I will tally up the votes and announce which 10 movies I will be reviewing in January. Fun? Yes. Ready?

GO!

-Jason

The Netflix Corner #8

2011-12-22T09:58:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas! So this Netflix Recommendation is probably cheating, but it's a annual Holiday tradition here in this household, where we watch "Mystery Science Theater 3000: 521-Santa Claus". Probably my favorite Christmas TV show episode ever.

But onto The Netflix Game! Dan came back after guessing the hard option and MIGHT have a shot of taking Nick down. Maybe. Here's your updated scores:

Nick-26
Dan-4
Rachel, Dylan-3
Joe-2
Steve-1

Last week's answers:
Hard: Two men go searching for a new Santa Claus.-Ernest Saves Christmas
Medium: A lovable drunk guy helps out a kid.-Bad Santa
Easy: Two best friends go searching for a Christmas tree. Misadventure ensues.-A Very Harold and Kumar
3-D Christmas

Alright, I hope this week's isn't too hard for you. Good luck!

Hard: Big guy forgets who he is and thinks he's someone famous.
Medium: This guy just wants to have the best Christmas ever! Dammit!
Easy: He needs to learn his lesson in time for Christmas. (Only taking ONE answer for this one.)

Have fun!
-Jason

Festive Up In This Bitch!

2011-12-20T20:02:00.000-05:00

It's officially December 20th, which means Christmas is soon at hand. I don't know what the weather is like around you (probably nice, since 80% of the people I know live out west where it's fucking 75° all year long) but here, instead of cold and snow, it's been around 50° and raining. If I wanted a depressing wet Christmas, I'd move to Seattle.

BOOM! Insulted Seattle. Cross that off my bucket list.

But anyway, it won't be a white Christmas but it's still Christmas. And I need help getting into the Christmas spirit that doesn't involve Christmas songs about Jesus, Santa, or creepy date rape songs. So why not read some movie reviews of Christmas movies? Yeah? Sweet!

I already linked to Dope's awesome review of "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2" yesterday...but it bears repeating.

Nolahn reviewed the REMAKE of "Black Christmas", which starred a lot of hot chicks. SPOILER ALERT FOR THURSDAY: I will be reviewing the original at Man, I Love Films.

Over at CouchCutter.com, he reviewed the often forgotten '80s horror movie "Elves". Oh "Elves". You weird wonderful fucking movie.

Emily at Deadly Doll's House watched a Tori Spelling movie. That in itself is amazing, but the movie she reviewed is called "A Carol Christmas". Three guess on what the fuck the movie is a retelling of. Yeah.

Over at Man, I Love Films, Wayne from "Reel Whore" reviews "Die Hard". What? It's a Christmas movie!

And finally, I'm not sure if you're aware of this but since I closed down The Site, I been slowly transferring all those reviews to Blogger. I've started a separate blog to host them. I have them linked up above where it says "Archive" but if you wanna read all my old Christmas reviews here they are:

Silent Night, Deadly Night (Mass Invasion)
Santa Claus (Mass Invasion)
Jack Frost
Santa's Slay
The Star Wars Holiday Special
Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

And that'll do it! I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and whatever else you may celebrate!

Ho!
-Jason

Merry Christmas From Blogger!

2011-12-20T02:28:00.000-05:00

"Oh crap!" I thought one fine day in December in Indianapolis, Indiana, the home of the Super Bowl, as EVERYTHING IN THIS GOD DAMN TOWN KEEPS TELLING ME, "I forgot to include a link to The Great White Dope's awesome review of 'Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2' in my 900th post wherein I reviewed said movie. I know! I'll just make a new post about it! That'll be easier!"

As I foolishly thought this thought, I went to my Dashboard and clicked on "New Post" and as I was about to write something funny, clever, and possibly witty, I noticed something. "The fuck?" I said outloud, to nobody besides all these stuffed animals that I pretend talk in awesome videos I make for the Internet. It's a wonder nobody tried to have me committed yet. "Why does the post look different...where's the link?! Where's Compose AND the HTML buttons? THE FUCK!?!"I then calmed down and decided to take to said Internet. Surely, my fellow Blogger friends will tell me they're having the same problem. I leave a status on Facebook asking people to tell me if they are having the same problem with Blogger, and sit back and wait for thousand upon thousand of replies saying "No, Jason, you awesome handsome devil you! It's only you!" or "Yes, Jason you really cool guy that I'd love to hang out with all the time, I too am having the problem!"

Sadly, none of those comments came. So either I'm going insane or the entire world is. Both seem possible at this point. So I decide to wait it out.

Chapter 2: The Next Day

It is now the next day. I go to New Post and...nope. Nothing. Son of a fucking bitch!

Chapter 3: Another Day Goes By

Day three. Check again. Nope! Chuck Testa! I decide to mess around with it. I did recently change my layout, maybe it had something to do with that? I go to the LAMB, which DID NOT change and...nope. It's gone from there too. FUCK! Now what?Suddenly, what do my wandering eyes see? "Switch to New Blogger Interface". Oh Blogger, if this was a ploy to get me to try the new interface, I'm gonna get SOOOO mad and-

Chapter Four: Guess What? It Was A Ploy

FUCK YOU, BLOGGER!!! You can't make me! You can't make me!!"But if you want to include links, or change the HTML in your posts, or do anything else, you're gonna have to!" Blogger said, in a rather sleazy tone. I knew if Blogger could talk, it'd sound like Ron Jeremy. Ugh. So fine. I guess I have to use this god damn awful Interface that's confusing and hard to understand.Oh...it shows me traffic? Ok, I kinda like that. I guess.Anyway, thanks for the gift, Blogger.

And now for what I was trying to do in the first place:The Great White Dope wrote an awesome review of "Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2" and you really should check it out if you didn't like my review of it. And frankly, my review was more of a fanboy look at it, while Dope's was more of a critical smart guy look at it. I think Dope has an IQ of like 498. Maybe he can tell me how to fix this Blogger interface thing.
-Jason

The Netflix Corner #7

2011-12-15T18:00:00.000-05:00

In a film that seems to have people split, I'm gonna have to go with:

I had so much fun watching this movie. I have to wonder if the people who didn't like this movie took it too seriously? I mean, I'm sure they didn't. But it's an awful lot of fun. Weird characters, strange situations, fuckin' Rutger Hauer! I mean, what more do you need, man??

Onto The Netflix Game! Last week we had some new players! I'm always glad to see that. Let's see how the scores look:

Nick-23
Joe-2
Rachel, Dylan-3
Dan, Steve-1

Last weeks answers:
Hard: A kid gets a Christmas gift that immediately causes a whole bunch of trouble.-Gremlins
Medium: An out of towner messes up a robbery.-Die Hard
Easy: An angry person ruins a towns Christmas. Maybe.-How The Grinch Stole Christmas

Here's this week's clues. Have fun!

Hard: Two men go searching for a new Santa Claus.
Medium: A lovable drunk guy helps out a kid.
Easy: Two best friends go searching for a Christmas tree. Misadventure ensues.

Good luck!
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #24: Something Something Beach Party

2011-12-15T10:49:00.001-05:00

In this episode, Jason and Nolahn take on two beach movies...sort of. Movies covered are "Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine" and "Surf Nazis Must Die". Also we come clean about our favorite movie scene on a beach and so much more. Well, not too much more.

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2

2011-12-15T00:04:00.006-05:00

So this right here is my 900th post. I knew I had to make it something special so why not devote it to the most AWESOME Christmas movie I've ever seen. Why this movie isn't played for 24 hours on a loop on some channel I'll never know. In fact...I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING THIS CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

Anyway, "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2".

This is probably going to more about talking about the movie than reviewing it. This movie does hold a special place in my heart. I've talking about it non-stop. I've shown it to friends. So it's time I dive into the history of this movie. While talking about it.

First off, if you haven't seen the first movie, DO NOT WORRY! The people behind SNDN2 (as the kids say) got you covered. The first 45 minutes flashback to all the events of the first movie. The flashback is being presented by Ricky, the younger brother of Billy from the first movie. Don't think too much about how he knows all this stuff despite being only a baby AND not being there. Maybe he read a lot of newspaper articles and police reports.

The first time I seen this movie, it was like 1998 or 1999. My friend Bill had a shit ton of movies he and his Mom got from a video store that was closing and this was one of them. I guess he watched it before showing it to me cause he was super excited to have me watch it. And as we were watching it, I said "yes, this is a mighty fine film." And I was grateful for all the unneeded flashback stuff.

Anyway, after the flashback of the first movie, we focus on Ricky and his problems. His story is he was sent to many foster homes trying to adjust cause he kept having problems with nuns and the color red. Hmm...I wonder why?

Here's the thing about this movie. The first movie was about Billy and his problems of Santa Claus raping his mother and killing his parents and feeling the need to punish bad people, no matter what your definition of "bad" is. But here, Ricky actually kills people that kinda deserved it. Like his first kill was in a field somewhere and a couple is out having a picnic. Soon, the guy starts getting fresh with the girl and tries to rape her. She manages to stop him in time. Realizing he's not getting any, the guy walks away. And Ricky runs him over with a car.

Then there's the scene where Ricky kills some mafia goon guy who looks like Al Bundy in an alley. I was kinda rootin' for Ricky. I should mention that Ricky is played by Eric Freeman. Everyone here knows how ape shit I went over him but honestly, he's the best actor in the world.

When me and Bill watched it, we kept quoting all his lines non-stop. He just has a way of saying shit. Such simple things like "I had to GET a JOB!!!" and "RED CAR! GOOD POINT!" You need to see it to get it. And I'll be happy to show it to you.

Eventually, Ricky falls in love with a girl named Jennifer and he's happy for a long time. He still has a temper, like in a hilarious scene in a movie theater where Ricky kills some loud mouth asshole who keeps talking through the movie. Oh and get this. The movie they're seeing? Is about a guy who dresses up as Santa and kills everybody.

Hilarious.

I've lost count how many times I've seen this movie. Every time I watch it, I see something different in it. It's why I'm kinda bummed the DVD is not easy to find. But my friend Bill gave me the VHS copy he got and I'm proud to have it. Ah, hard to find movies on VHS.

Jennifer's ex-boyfriend, who looks like David Bowie at odd angles, shows up to bug her. Ricky isn't too happy to see him so he kills him. And this kicks off the most hilarious killing spree ever. You've probably seen one part of it but here, in it's entire glory, is the ENTIRE killing spree.

God, I love that. I was surprised, when I discovered the internet, the whole GARBAGE DAY! thing became a popular meme. Sometimes, I love the internet.

So this is why Ricky is now in jail. He kills his doctor/shrink/lawyer whoever he was talking to and simply walks out of jail. Alrighty. He decides to hunt down Mother Superior, who caused him and his brother so much trouble growing up. And Mother Superior must've had a stroke OVER a fryer cause her ENTIRE face is like melted off. Anyway, Ricky shows up dressed as Santa (of course, it's a sequel to a guy-dressed-as-Santa-killing-people movie) and, well, kills Mother Superior. Yay!!

There's an ambiguous ending whether or not Ricky is killed by the cops. Judging from what I heard about parts 3-5, it doesn't really matter. Maybe one day...

Obviously, the best part about this movie is Eric Freeman. If you watched that clip up above, you'll see why. His acting, his eyebrows, his voice. Needs to be seen to be believed. And if you're still not convinced, come over to my house and I'll make you watch this movie.

-Jason

And so the countdown begins! 100 more posts until 1000! WOW!

The Soto List: Really?! Edition

2011-12-13T00:21:00.002-05:00

I don't normally do mainstream stuff here but I do watch a fair amount of mainstream stuff in my "off" time. But 2011 seemed to be a lackluster year for movies, even for me. There's been a shitload of movies that I looked at the trailer and said "Yeah...not even I would touch that". "Jack and Jill" immediately come to mind. (Can't wait to read Nick's awesome DVD review of THAT!)

Along with the stuff I've seen and all the crap, are movies that I saw and went "well that looks stupid/lame/not very good" and then all of a sudden, people start losing their shit over it! And I sit back and go "really?! THAT'S good?! Are you sure?" cause I'm convinced it's one big conspiracy to trick me to watch horrible movies that I wouldn't normally watch. What movies am I talking about?

5. Transformer 3: Something Something Dark Side of The Moon
The first two movies are the biggest pieces of shit movies that I've ever seen. Part 2 the worst. So when the trailer for part 3 came out, I rolled my eyes, said a loud "ugh" and went home and urinated on my voodoo doll of Michael Bay. Then the movie came out and people were like "DUDE! This movie...is actually good!" It's got a 6.4 out of 10 on IMDb (this is why I don't use Rotten Tomatoes for stuff like this, part 3 has 35%, part 1 has 50%, but part 2 has 24%. I don't...whatever.) and all my online friends, who I NORMALLY listen to, said "no really, it's not that bad." I'm sorry, I refuse to believe that. And I was planning on skipping the third one because the first two fucking suck royal cock AND because it doesn't have Megan Fox, the only reason I barely tolerated the first two to begin with. But, because of YOU GUYS, I will have to give this a watch. But my expectations are low!

4. Rise of The Planets of The Apes
I saw the trailer for this and said "that looks fucking stupid" and "why was this made?" I mean do people REALLY care how the apes took over? Isn't it enough the apes took over eventually? And wouldn't this just mean the first hour and 20 minutes is just people says "oh apes will never take over the world" and the last 10 minutes going "oh shit they totally CAN take over the world. My bad." But then the movie came out and everybody wouldn't shut up about it. The funny thing is, people were surprised. I refuse to believe this movie is really as good as everyone makes it out to be.

3. Drive
I was like "this looks like a boring remake of 'The Transporter' and...fucking Ryan Gosling? He's not an action guy? The hell? Fuck this movie." Then it came out and, holy fucking hell jesus christ I'm out of motherfucking curse words because everybody wouldn't shut the fuck up about this movie. I watched the trailer again and said "well, maybe there's more in the movie than the trailer is letting on" which is a good thing. But the trailer didn't make me want to watch it. It looked boring as fuck. And Ryan Gosling? I mean....FUCKING RYAN GOSLING?!?

2. Crazy Stupid Love
This is a famous argument I got into on The LAMBcast some months ago. We had to watch this trailer and talk about it. I watched it and said "eh, I don't do romantic dramas" and everybody said "WHAT?! It's a comedy!!! It's "40-Year-Old Virgin"! What do you mean "romantic drama"?! Convinced I watched the wrong trailer again, I said "Um, the one with Steve Carrell? He's divorced? He's trying to get back into the dating scene?" Yes, THAT movie. Ok...where the fuck is the comedy in that? How is that ANYTHING like "40-Year-Old Virgin"? Seriously, I think everybody is just fucking with me at this point. I still refuse to watch this because, again, I DON'T DO ROMANTIC DRAMAS! AND it's got Ryan Gosling in it. Case closed.

1. Fast Five
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! I FUCKING REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS MOVIE IS GOOD!!! The first movie FUCKING BLOWS! There shouldn't have been a sequel, let alone GOD DAMN FOUR of them, AND it's the 5th one in the series that people love?! The fuck kind of sense does that make!! NO! I'm sorry, everybody. You HAVE to be wrong about this. There is NO FUCKING WAY this is good. Fuck THAT shit!

So there you have it. Those are my 5 movies from 2011 that I can't believe people like. I'm sure there's some more smaller ones but these were the ones that sprung to mind. And if you took offense to anything on this list, well, sorry pal. You're gonna have to convince me otherwise.
-Jason

R.I.P 2005-2011

2011-12-09T11:33:00.002-05:00

And the website is officially gone. Turns out I have to wait until after the 12th to repurchase the dotcom name because I didn't go through their complicated transfer process. I'm fine with that. So just a reminder, if you have my dotcom name, change it to here for now. Or just leave it. Whatever.

Meanwhile, I will be working on transferring all the reviews to the Archive. It's gonna take awhile cause I have over 150 reviews. Plus all the "Date My Mom" stuff, shorts, and whatever else I had.

Anyway, to anyone who did go there, thanks. I hope you stick with me here at the blog, cause I will be doing more reviews. Honestly. Why you looking at me like that?
-Jason

The Netflix Corner #6

2011-12-08T15:47:00.004-05:00

Howdy all! This week's movie recommendation is gonna be a favorite '80s movie of mine. And that's gonna be "House".

No, not the TV show. OR the weird Japanese film. The film starring William Katt AND Norm from "Cheers". AND Bull from "Night Court". If only Alan Thicke made an appearance. Anyway, if you haven't seen "House" check it out!

With that done, time for The Netflix Game! I can't believe no one got the hard one last week. I didn't think it was THAT hard. Anyway, here's your scores and answers.

Nick-23
Joe-2
Dan, Steve-1

Hard: In order to prove himself, this guy must do dangerous things.-Hot Rod
Medium: A man is sent into a prison to look for a very important person.-Escape From New York
Easy: An inexperienced man tries to have sex. Hilarity ensues.-40-Year-Old Virgin

And this week:
Hard: A kid gets a Christmas gift that immediately causes a whole bunch of trouble.
Medium: An out of towner messes up a robbery.
Easy: An angry person ruins a towns Christmas. Maybe.

Good luck!
-Jason

A Memorial To Remember

2011-12-05T14:14:00.002-05:00

Here's a trivia track for you:
-Movie references: "Easy A", "Heathers", "The Sixth Sense", and "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2". (Not the garbage day scene.)
-The picture of me was from a set of pics I took when I was working on a book a few years ago. They are of me in front of my movie collection.
-I actually know the words to the first two songs because I hear them EVERY! SINGLE! DAY at work. The third is just one of my favorite songs.
-The angles used to film me are all from Cokie's Point of View. Which is why it's so low.
-The song used at the beginning is "I Hope You Die" by The Bloodhound Gang.

That's it. I'll have more still this week, leading up to the final day of the website on Thursday. So stay tuned!
-Jason

The Prince of Pennsylvania

2011-12-02T09:48:00.004-05:00

This is one of those movies I don't know what to do with. It's not bad enough to watch at a bad movie party. It's not good enough for everybody to have seen. It's not hilariously bad to make people watch. It's just simply...there. And I own it. On VHS. As a screener. I didn't even know this movie was released until I did some research and saw Roger Ebert did a review of it, and it's available on DVD through Netflix. But I figured I'd at least talk a bit about it.

Let's go back to 1988. Or 1989. Whatever. I was either 8 or 9. And I had a cousin who worked in a video store. As a result, she'd bring home all these screener tapes of movies that were coming out on video. Most of them were popular, like "Rain Man" and some weren't. Like "Prince of Pennsylvania". And for WHATEVER reason, she decided to give me "Prince of Pennsylvania".

I remembering being confused by it as a 9-year-old but what did I care? It was a free movie. I was happy! Since then, I've rediscovered it about 3 or 4 times. It sits in my VHS collection today but again, I don't ever plan on showing it to people. So just to get it out of the way, here's what this movie is about.

It stars Keanu Reeves. Yeah, how about that? You know who else is in this movie? Fred Ward! And Bonnie Bedelia (Mrs. John McClane)! What a cast, huh? Ok so Keanu is the teenage son of Fred Ward and Bonnie Bedelia. He doesn't go to school. He steals. He spends his time in a junkyard taking things. And he likes fucking an older woman.

Not much else happens. Bonnie Bedelia ends up cheating on Fred Ward with his friend (kinda like the "The Room" but with less football playing). Fred Ward and his friend work in a coal mine and they end up trapped in the mine for 16 hours. Because they thought they were gonna die, the friend confesses to the affair...but then they survive. Awkwaaard!

There is one funny moment in the movie when Fred Ward gets home and confronts the wife. He has an epic meltdown and starts yelling about all the things he bought her, including the VCR. She claims she didn't want a VCR, so he yells, pulls it out of the wall, runs outside, and throws it into a pool. It's really the only reason to watch this movie.

So despite the movie starring Keanu and he looks like this:

the movie doesn't focus too much on him. That is, until he realizes his dad sold some valuable land and is hiding the money. So Keanu and his older girlfriend decide to kidnap the father and have him tell them where the money is. But this is Fred Ward, so he doesn't give in that easily.

To get him to talk, Keanu takes Fred Ward back to the mine and threatens to blow it up if he doesn't tell him where the money it. It's revealed to be hidden inside a locked port-a-potty. Then there's a 20 minute chase scene down the mine, before it blows up and they think the older girlfriend is dead.

The movie more or less simply ends with Keanu walking down a hallway, cuffed to a refrigerator door. It's...not worth explaining. But that's it. That's "Prince of Pennsylvania". Sounds interesting, doesn't it?

Not really. It could've been funnier. Or more interesting. Or something. Not even Keanu sounding like a surfer in Pennsylvania could save this. I say don't bother watching it. But will I ever give up my copy? Probably not.

-Jason

The Netflix Corner #5

2011-12-01T09:40:00.002-05:00

Oh my god, this movie is on Instant Watch! Now NOBODY has an excuse to not watch this! I'm of course talking about motherfuckin' "Lone Wolf McQuade"!

It's well documented all over the internet how much I fuckin' LOVE this movie. It should be declared the National Movie of America, it's so badass. So that is my choice for this week's Instant Watch.

Now onto The Netflix Game. I really wish more people would participate. Well, let's see how this week goes. But first, last weeks answers and scores:

Nick-21
Joe-2
Dan-1

Hard: America declares war on another country after the country does something offensive.-South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut
Medium: A guy is called to help save a girl who's acting really strange.-The Last Exoricsm
Easy: A group of people must solve a murder that could be one of three solutions.-Clue

Ok, here's this weeks. Good luck!

Hard: In order to prove himself, this guy must do dangerous things.
Medium: A man is sent into a prison to look for a very important person.
Easy: An inexperienced man tries to have sex. Hilarity ensues.

That's it. Have fun!
-Jason

The Boneyard

2011-11-29T01:02:00.002-05:00

Whenever I watch a trailer for a movie that I want to see, I think to myself, "There's no way that could live up to my expectations." I saw the trailer for "The Boneyard" and wondered "Is this movie REALLY gonna be about a giant zombie dog?" To anyone who finds their way here, I will tell you the answer in a little bit.

First, we have to get through an hour of bullshit!

The first 20 minutes of this movie plays like an episode of "Law and Order". I kept waiting for Jerry Orbach to come out with Christopher Meloni and Ice-T. Actually, that's all I know about "Law and Order" what happens on that show exactly?

Anyway, we meet two cops, one of them is named Jersey. He looks like the love child of Martin Balsam and Hoss from "Ponderosa". The cops are at the house of what looks like a horder. Jersey finds a way in the house and ever so fucking slow make their way upstairs. There, Jersey's partner (I forget his name. Mark? Junior?) is greeted by a GIANT PILLOW MONSTER! RAWR!!!

Ok, not really. Underneath all the pillows and blankets is Alley. I had NO IDEA Alley was going to be our main character because, and I'm just being honest here, she looks like a member of G.L.O.W. And normally, women from G.L.O.W aren't the main characters in many movies.

One thing this movie gets wrong (out of many things) is character development. For this first 20 minutes, I had no fucking clue who Alley was or why these cops were bugging her. From what I gathered after the movie ended, she's some lady who got into witchcraft when she fucked a Canadian, got cancer, and survived. Now, she has some weird psychic powers that can teleport her or something.

So I guess Jersey needs her help in a case but she says "NO! GET OUT OF MY ROOM! I GOTTA OIL UP FOR MY NEXT MATCH!" so the cops leave. Alley pulls out a scrapbook and has a flashback? Maybe? About a burnt kid. This causes her to change her mind on helping the cops.

What do the cops need help with? Fuck if I know. I know it involves some dude named Chin and three dead kids. I THINK Chin did some voodoo stuff to the kids, which caused the kids to die under mysterious circumstances but this movie doesn't explain shit.

Ok so the cops and Alley need to go the morgue to look at the body. I guess the only time they can do this is at night and they get to meet the nighttime caretaker. And it's here this movie finally makes watching it worthwhile. The caretaker is played by Phyllis Diller. And her character name is Poopenplotz. I swear. And she has a killer guard dog who's a poodle. Why Poopenplotz couldn't be the main character is beyond me but whatever.

So after 10 minutes of Poopenplotz not allowing Alley in the room with the bodies, and a mishap with a delivery of another dead body of a young chick who killed herself, we meet Mr. Roper, who plays an aging hippie. I'll tell you, you haven't lived until you seen Mr. Roper try to play an aging hippie. He went full tilt with this too. He had a cheesy mustache, small dark glasses, AND a pony tail.

Anyway, it turns out the young chick isn't dead and Alley psychically teleports to the morgue to see zombies about to attack. She disappears and reappears in the same room as Poopenplotz. Poopenplotz (I love typing that) won't allow Alley to go downstairs, so Alley steals the keys and run.

Remember I said it looked like Alley was a member of G.L.O.W? Well, that means she can't run fast. At all. But she's able to outrun Poopenplotz and her killer poodle. She makes it to the morgue and finds a bunch of carnage and three tiny zombies. The zombies chase her, Alley runs into the cops, Mr. Hippie Roper, and the not-dead chick.

The rest of the movie is them hiding from the zombies and trying to escape. It's basically a horror version of "Die Hard". Before it gets too slow, a zombie spits into Poopenplotz's mouth and she turns into a GIANT ZOMBIE! Holy fuck!

Giant Poopenplotz goes on a rampage, kills Hippie Roper in a scene I didn't see (I watched this movie with a few friends and they had to tell me this. That's how uninterested I was during this movie), and isn't stopped until...fuck something happened. I think she blew up. Let's go with that.

But guess who eats some zombie goo? The dog. Yes, we get a giant zombie poodle dog. Sadly, we're near the end of the movie. Everybody manages to find a way outside but Alley, because she looks like a wrestler from G.L.O.W, gets stuck in a small gap. Awww!

Alley manages to escape, finds a "disarmed" pipe bomb that isn't disarmed, and blows up the giant zombie dog. And the movie simply ends. Alrighty.

So NOTHING is totally explained. Where exactly did Alley get her powers? What the fuck was going on with the tiny zombie kids? What did Chin do? The fuck, man? This movie was a big letdown. At least I didn't do a whole post about how awesome this movie looked. I really learned my lesson this time around. And so you can see what I'm talking about, I present to you, the trailer:

-Jason

The Netflix Corner #4

2011-11-24T06:00:00.001-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving! I can't think of a better movie recommendation than "Thankskilling"!

It's about a killer turkey...oh you know what? Read my review over at Man, I Love Films.

With that out of the way...

Nick is looking to dominate this game! He's the sole winner of last weeks game, after the Hard option was left unguessed for 24 hours! I didn't think I made it THAT hard. Anyway, here are the scores and answers:

Nick-15
Joe-2
Dan-1

Hard: A series of crazy events occur in Miami.-Big Trouble
Medium: A teenager moves and tries to fit in, until meeting an unusual student and they fall in love.-Twilight
Easy: A group of detectives are invited to a party to solve a case.-Murder By Death

And now this week. Don't forget, I'm looking for a specific movie:

Hard: America declares war on another country after the country does something offensive.
Medium: A guy is called to help save a girl who's acting really strange.
Easy: A group of people must solve a murder that could be one of three solutions.

Hard is worth 3 points, medium 2 points, and easy 1 point.

Good luck and happy Thanksgiving!
-Jason

How I, Jason Soto, Could've Stopped Shia LaBeouf From Happening

2011-11-24T00:23:00.003-05:00

I can't think of a better time than Thanksgiving to tell this story. It's an interesting story and after thinking about it a few weeks ago, I came to a horrible realization:
If things would've went better for me, Shia LaBeouf wouldn't have had a career. That's a bold statement, sure. And looking at his IMDb, I doubt little ol' ME would've actually have stopped him, but it's fun to think that if the events in the story I'm about to tell you played differently, some other guy (maybe me?) would've been making out with Megan Fox in two horrible Michael Bay movies.

Ok. The year is 2000. I was unemployed at the time and I was living with my dad and grandmother. It wasn't really a high point in my life but hey, I was still alive and I had a roof over my head. I couldn't complain. I was a budding screenwriter, just writing scripts left and right. My ex-girlfriend, who I talked to on occasion, told me about this awesome contest she heard involving screenwriters. You submit your script and if it wins, it gets made into a movie.

This contest was called "Project Greenlight".

I don't know if anybody remembers "Project Greenlight" but basically Ben Affleck, Matt Damon and some other guy started it, opened it to the public and fronted the money to make this movie. The instant I heard about this, I said "Fuck yeah I'm in!"

After carefully selecting which script I wanted to submit, I went with a comedy I wrote called "The Adventures of A Loser". It's the touching tale of a high school reject who goes on his first date with a girl, who only used him to help get money she owed to some dangerous drug dealers. I still think it's a cool little script I wrote.

So here's how this process works. You sign up on their website and they give you a little account and space. You upload your script to this space. This was 2000, and I was still using dial up. So this process took a few hours. After it was uploaded, I had to wait.

The next step then was on a certain date, they were gonna place three other scripts into your account. They were randomly selected and I had to read them, take this stupid test to prove I read it, and send it back with my thoughts.

So to clarify this step, all of us people in this contest got to read other people's scripts and had to say if they thought it was good or not. If you think the trolls of 2011 were bad...but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I barely remember the three scripts I had to read. I remember one was a straight up comedy about some guy pretending to be a therapist to get back at an ex-girlfriend and he used the office of some lawyer and things get mixed up or something. The other was some action film about a homeless guy. I promise it wasn't "Hobo With A Shotgun". I liked both of those scripts.

Then I got the third one. Take David Lynch's worst movie, give it to Hunter S. Thompson, and then have Salavor Dali throw up on it for good measure and you got this movie. I had NO FUCKING idea what was going on in this script. Some guy went into a basement, got turned into a woman, who was alive in the 1950's, there's some party going on, some ice cube trays start talking. It was....a fucking mess. And I said so. I think I even failed the little test cause I didn't understand fucking anything.

Ok so, I finish all three scripts, send in my recommendations and then we had to wait again. Now comes the fun part. The feedback from the people that read my script. I guess how it worked was each script was sent to 10 different people so a wide array of people would read and judge it. Meaning 9 other people read that third script I read and said "WTF was that?!"

Anyway, all 10 people send in their feedback and recommendations for my script. To put it in a nice way...they were less than nice.

Needless to say,I didn't make it to the "second round". Yeah, there's "rounds" to this thing. The semi-final round was Afflect, Damon, and that other guy actually read the script and pick a winner. I think if they read my script, I would have a shot cause I know they have a great sense of humor. A bunch of starving screenwriters don't.

Ok so what kind of feedback did I get? I don't remember exactly what they said. I know someone said it was the "worst thing they ever read" and "the screenwriter has some maturing to do" and something about "this isn't even a REAL script. FAIL!" Something to that effect.

Yadda yadda yadda I have self esteem issues.

Anyway, the winner of the year I partook in this ended up being some movie that starred a unknown guy named Shia LaBeouf. I'll tell you now if I won, he wouldn't be in my movie. I was picturing the "Dude, you got a Dell" guy.

Yeah, it was a sign of the times.
-Jason

A TV Horror Show?! WHA??

2011-11-22T11:01:00.002-05:00

I know people have been camping out by their computers, just WAITING to see what I have to say about the FX show "American Horror Story". Well, sorry to keep you waiting, I was behind a bit. The day it debuted, I forgot about it and missed the first episode. So I had to wait for all the episodes to repeat to catch up. Now that I'm caught up, I can finally talk about this show.

Oh and spoilers if you're not caught up or haven't seen any episode but plan on it later. This post will be right here waiting for you when you do catch up.

With that said...

I love the fact the teenager Tate did a Columbine before there was a Columbine. He's like a deadly hipster. Of course there's that whole thing of him not remembering doing that, which I wonder what that's all about. Does he really not remember killing those kids or is he just pretending? And what's up with the whole "he doesn't know he's a ghost thing, so we need your help to send him to the other side" thing?

Did anyone else think the bitchy old lady next door was also a ghost? I did for the longest time. Hell, I'm still convinced she is.

How come the bitchy old lady's daughter isn't running around being a ghost? Can you only be a ghost in this house? Well, that's not true cause those kids Tate shot died at school and they showed up. Maybe she didn't wanna roam around as a ghost is the only thing I got.

My favorite part has to be the maid and how she changes her look, depending on who's looking at her. When she's the hot young chick, she says all these strange things in a sexual innuendo type way, but you gotta keep in mind, she's ALSO this old lady. It's all very strange.

What THE FUCK is up with that gimp dude?

I'm starting to have a problem with how much weird shit is going on this show. I don't know how many quirks they're gonna give Jessica Lange's character but NOW she had a deformed son that was chained up in the attic? What's next, a two-headed dog? I hope it stops there otherwise the show's gonna end up being goofy for no reason.

Overall, it is a great show. Unlike "Lost" when they present something, they actually explain it right away, but leave a few small things unexplained (like gimp dude, or the baby being twins). I hope this show doesn't end up like "The Walking Dead" and slow down or get too full of itself. It's perfect the way it is and I hope it continues the path it's going down now.
-Jason

MST3K Month: A Touch of Satan

2011-11-21T13:10:00.003-05:00

So I apologize that MST3K Month has been kind of a bust. I guess you could call it "my eyes were bigger than my stomach" cause frankly I just kinda lost track of time and I'm surprised it' already the 21st. Even though there's 9 days left in the month, and I could squeak out a few more reviews, I wouldn't have accomplished all that I wanted to. With that said...I did watch "A Touch of Satan" last night.

I can't even imagine what the filmmakers were going for when they made this movie. I watched this episode on Youtube (I do have it on VHS and it is on Instant Watch but I didn't feel like messing with any of that) and reading the comments I saw someone compare this to "Twilight" and oddly enough, it fits.

You have some guy named Jody driving cross country cause he "wants to be independent" from his father, who stops in a small town that keeps a secret! OOH!! There's been a bunch of killings in this town but no one seems to know who did it. Jody goes "alright then" and keeps on truckin' (it's a '70s film). He passes by a field and decides to stop there and eat lunch. There, he meets Melissa. She's sorta hot in a way that's hard to describe. I guess I can describe it this way: she's the only girl under 50 in this movie. So in that aspect, she's the hottest thing you'll see in this movie.

Anyway, what makes this movie memorable is.......the.......long.......pauses......between......conversations. Holy hell, did the director realize he only had enough material for a 30 minute movie and told them to talk slowly?

Anyway, Melissa invites Jody to her house to meet her parents. They get nervous for some reason, and get more nervous when Melissa makes Jody stay the night. Jody meets the great-grandmother, who's face is horribly burned and looks to be roughly 500 years old.

So what's going on? Basically, Melissa is a witch who, a long ass time ago (like 1850 or something) she and her family were attacked by the local townspeople who wanted to "burn the witch"! They started with Melissa's sister, who is the burned great-grandmother. Melissa saved her by selling her soul to Satan. And I guess this caused her to never age? It was never explained.

Jody doesn't believe any of this, even after watching sister/great-grandmother kill a cop in front of him. Melissa gets tired of her sister's shit and decides to kill her herself. The next day, Melissa and Jody fuck, which freed Melissa, I guess, and causes her to finally look her age. Jody claims he's in love with her and doesn't want her to die, so HE sells HIS soul to Satan to save her.

Man. I've said I been in love with my ex-girlfriends and thought I'd be with them forever. Glad I didn't do that.

Anyway, check out the MST3K episode if you haven't, there's a part where one of them time the pause and it gets to 8 seconds. It's ridiculous.

-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #23: Before They Were Stars!

2011-11-18T12:47:00.002-05:00

If you ever wanted to hear Nolahn wish ill upon another human being, here's your chance. But he doesn't wish it against Jason or their guest James Blake Ewing from "Cinema Sights". You'll just have to listen to find out who, as they talk about "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation" and "Hercules in New York".

The Netflix Corner #3

2011-11-17T06:00:00.000-05:00

Hello and welcome to week 3! Let's get this train a-rolling!

My movie suggestion is something I reviewed sometime last month. And that's going to be motherfuckin' "TerrorVision"!

You just need to take my word for it and watch this movie. It's so awesomely bad, you can't even comprehend!

Now, onto The Netflix Game! Here are last weeks answers and scores so far:

Hard: A woman makes her relationship complicated when she decides to cheat on her fiancee with a guy he know.-The Room
Medium: Three friends are trapped and are unable to escape.-Frozen
Easy: Two cops must learn to work together in order to stop a bad guy.-Lethal Weapon

Nick-9
Joe-2
Dan-1

Without further ado, here's this weeks game:
Hard: A series of crazy events occur in Miami.
Medium: A teenager moves and tries to fit in, until meeting an unusual student and they fall in love.
Easy: A group of detectives are invited to a party to solve a case.

Good luck!
-Jason

Life, The Site, And Everything Else

2011-11-15T12:41:00.003-05:00

Ok, not really "life". Life is ok, so far anyway. But I do have some changes I want to/have to make about everything Invasion of The B-Movies.

Oh, now what?! Didn't you just change shit two months ago?! Why don't you make up your mind, dick-bag??

Well, since you asked oh so nicely...

-The video reviews aren't doing as well as I thought they were going to be. And they're really not as fun to put together as I thought they would. It's pretty time consuming and while working on the third one for "The Green Slime" I couldn't find video footage of the movie anywhere to put in the video, and I didn't wanna cheapen it by just filming my TV. Plus, I didn't get a whole lot of feedback on the previous two. I got SOME but not enough to keep going with it. So I'm putting a ka-bosh on that. What's a ka-bosh anyway? Does anybody know?

Why don't you Google it, you fucking retarded limp dick?!

...Anyway, onto the second thing, and this is a biggie:
-In December, I will be getting rid of The Site. I will only do reviews here on The Blog, and I will try to have the dotcom name transferred here to The Blog. I am doing this mainly for monetary reasons. I don't know if anyone is aware of this, but I actually PAY money for the space on The Site and whatnot. And after looking through my stat counter a couple of weeks ago, I found out many people don't visit The Site. So I don't really see the need to have it if everyone just visits The Blog. And I have been told by several close friends they visit the Blog more, and don't understand why I have two places where I do reviews.

Because you're so full of yourself, ass hat!

And they're right, I don't need two places. So with that, sometime in December The Site will be no more and hopefully I won't have a problem with the domain name. We'll see.

And that's it really. Me and Nolahn are still gonna do The Lair, I'm still writing stuff for Man, I Love Films. I'm involved with a few small secret projects that'll come to light someday. So I'm not going anywhere.

Damn!

Shut up!
-Jason

The Soto List: My Top Ten Favorite Joel Episodes

2011-11-10T21:02:00.004-05:00

This being MST3K month here at Invasion of the B Movies, I figured I should list off some of my favorite episodes, but seeing how the show can be divided by who likes which host better, I decided to split them and count down ten of my favorite Joel episodes and ten of my favorite Mike episodes. Naturally, we start off with Joel.

10. Attack of The The Eye Creatures-I just recently rewatched this and I never realized how much fun they had while doing this episode. The movie certainly doesn't deserve to be taken seriously and it's only fitting they don't.

9. The Slime People-A very early episode. They hadn't found their footing yet but this episode is one of my favorite Season 1 episodes. The riffing is good, considering, and if you want a good snapshot on what Season 1 was like, this would be a good episode to watch.

8. Rocket Attack, USA-I was surprised on how much I liked this episode. The movie is very boring but all the riffs had me laughing. This is also a landmark episode: it's the first time they used what's called a "stinger", a short clip featuring a really weird, goofy, or plain funny scene from the movie.

7. Operation Double 007-This is a weird premise for a movie. James Bond's brother, played by Sean Connery's brother in real life, is sent out on a spy mission. I'm only putting this movie on the list cause of this segment:

6. Warrior of the Lost World-DO YOU HAVE ANY FRUIT TO DECLARE?!?

5. The Pod People-Out of all the "E.T" rip-off's, this is probably the dumbest. Featuring an ALF-like alien named Trumpy, a very annoying kid, and a group of rock stars, this is the PERFECT MST3K episode.

4. Santa Claus Conquers The Martians-One of two Christmas MST3K episodes I watch every year (The other coming up in a future post), this is a wacky film but I excuse it cause it's really geared towards kids.

3. Manos: The Hands of Fate-Calling this a favorite is like calling the Yadda, Yadda, Yadda episode of "Seinfeld" a favorite but you have to give it up to them, they had to watch this movie 7 or 8 times. I could only stomach it once without the riffing.

2. Mitchell-Joel's last episode. He made sure to go out with a bang and considering this film stars Joe Don Baker, what a bang.

1. Teenagers From Outer Space-This episode makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. Especially when they have characters singing classic rock songs. It's a great episode and a perfect movie for them.

So those are my favorite Joel episodes. A Mike one will be coming sometime next week. And yes, I promise I'll get to my reviews of "The Green Slime" and "Laserblast" before the month is over. Promise.
-Jason

The Netflix Corner #2

2011-11-10T06:00:00.000-05:00

Alright! This new feature is getting a lot of love! Awesome!

First, your Instant Watch recommendation.

"Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter", as you probably figured, is one crazy ass movie. And it's pretty much what you think it's about. The world is a vampire and only one Son of God can stop it! Ok, the middle of the movie gets a bit complicated when they throw in lesbians and Mexican wrestlers but it's still a fun movie and I highly recommend it.

And now The Netflix Game! Here are last week's answers and winners

Hard: In order to succeed, a man must re-learn everything he didn't learn the first time around.-Billy Madison
Medium: An unclean cop who loves big weapons must stop a serial killer.-Dirty Harry
Easy: Two guys who hate their job talk about relationships, pop culture, and awful customers.-Clerks

Nick-4
Joe-2

A reminder how it works: I'm gonna give a pretty crappy description of three movies, you have to guess what movie I'm talking about for each. Hard is worth 3 points, medium is 2 points, and easy is 1 point. Here you go.

Hard: A woman makes her relationship complicated when she decides to cheat on her fiancee with a guy he know.
Medium: Three friends are trapped and are unable to escape.
Easy: Two cops must learn to work together in order to stop a bad guy.

That's it. Good luck!
-Jason

MST3K: Werewolf

2011-11-08T18:44:00.004-05:00

"Werewolf" came out in 1996, and the MST3K episode came out in 1998, which made this movie the NEWEST movie they've riffed. Some speculated that the filmmakers made the movie bad on purpose to be put on MST3K, which back in 1996 was around it's 7th season. Unless the director Tony Zarindast emails me telling me the truth, we may never know.

But (ir)regardless, "Werewolf". I swear the worse things to happen to movies is the direct to video market. It's like people don't even try anymore and say "Well, if this doesn't get a theatrical release, this can go direct to video. YAY!!" Because out of all the shitty werewolf films I've seen ("Twilight" included), this is probably the shittiest.

A group of...people? I refuse to call them archaeologists cause they just stand around, drink beer, and fight. So these people are in the desert digging around when they come across a skeleton that looks like a human with a wolf head. The local Indians think it's a werewolf and freak out. Joe Estevez is there to calm everybody down. And...

HOLY FUCK RICHARD LYNCH IS IN THIS MOVIE?!? I FORGOT RICHARD LYNCH IS IN THIS MOVIE!

Ok, I'm calm. So Richard Lynch takes the werewolf bones back to his office where he and a chick named Natalie try to figure out what it is exactly. There's a guy named Yuri who's fuckin' hysterical because every scene in this movie, he has different colored hair and even different hairstyles. I can't figure out what the hell that was about. Maybe he was bald and wanted to try out different wigs? I mean, what the fuck?

Anyway, Yuri takes the role of "I want to exploit this" the best I can. Meanwhile, some Indian who got attacked by the werewolf skeleton is now turning into a werewolf. When Yuri finds out and realizes the bones have essence of werewolf, he decides to turn people left and right into werewolves!

Then we meet Paul. He's a writer from New York who moved here to Arizona (I guess, they call the city Flagstaff) and he meets Natalie and instantly they fall in love. Paul meet his own hilarious character of Sam, the caretaker of the house Paul is renting. I have no idea how to describe Sam so here's a picture:

Anyway, Paul and Natalie have a small romance, so she takes him to show the werewolf bones, when Yuri is there. He uses the bones to attack Paul (so Yuri loves these bones but he uses them as weapons? The fuck?), which gives Paul a huge gash on his back.

Surprise surprise surprise! Paul is a werewolf! Yuri discovers this and wants to cage him, but Paul escapes and roams around Arizona and attacks random people. Natalie, when she's not hustling people at the pool tables, is out looking for were-Paul. Did I mention Natalie looks like this?

Butter-face?

Ok so Yuri is looking for Paul, Paul kills Yuri, and because Paul had sex with Natalie, Natalie turns into a werewolf and the movie simply ends. And if you watch the MST3K episode, you get this awesomeness!

The movie sucks, plain and simple. I don't get what the fuck Yuri's problem was, between fighting everybody and having 200 different hairstyles. The acting is terrible. I'm sure the chick playing Natalie is a porn star. It's all very...weird. And Richard Lynch is sorely underused in this movie. Cause lord knows we need more Richard Lynch.

-Jason

One Demented Podcast

2011-11-05T11:34:00.001-04:00

Recently I was asked to be on "The Demented Podcast" to talk about slasher flicks. I spent my weeks preparing by watching all the "Friday the 13th's", "Halloweens", and one-off slasher flicks I could, only to be told we're watching..."Blood and Black Lace" and "American Psycho". Oh well.

It was still a fun episode and easily the best Tower experience ever. But did I win? You're just gonna have to find out.
-Jason

MST3K Month: Attack of The (The) Eye Creatres

2011-11-04T22:59:00.002-04:00

Now here's a great example of not only how NOT to make a movie, but the perfect "Mystery Science Theater 3000" movie. It's horrible but fun, features scenes and situations you need to see to believe, and feature laughable monsters. But I need to address something that you probably noticed right away: The title.

The film was originally titled "The Eye Creatures" but sometime later it went through a weird re-distribution process where someone decided to retitle the movie "Attack of The Eye Creatures". The problem was they weren't paying attention and ended up adding "Attack of The" before the title card. Good job, Gomer.

Anyway, the movie itself. During the credit sequence, some military guy is locked up in a classroom and he's showing a film to some other military guy. The film is suppose to be PROOF that aliens have arrived! The film (narrated by Peter Graves) just shows a toy on a string flying over a plant. This is suppose to represent a UFO landing in a town.

Then we meet the most loathsome characters I've ever seen in my life, and I just recently seen "A Serbian Film". They're two military guys sitting in some room watching some top secret satellite camera thing, which they have aimed at a bunch of teenagers making out. The two guys just make jokes, and mugs at the camera about watching this. It's pretty weird.

We finally meet our central characters. First up is Carl and Mike. They're friends who drifted into town a month ago and they're trying to find jobs and/or women to hook up with. Well, Carl is anyway. Mike just wants to go home and sleep. Killjoy.

Then we meet Stan and Susan. They are young lovers who plan on running away and eloping. Susan's father, who is some bigwig in this small town, doesn't like Stan a whole hell of a lot. But you know how that goes. And finally, we meet the best character in this movie: Old Man Bailey.

Old Man Bailey literally spends his days and nights standing on his porch with a loaded shotgun, chasing "damn smoochers off his property!" That's all he does throughout the whole movie, stand there, yell about smoochers, and shoots a shotgun. And speaking of day and night, the main flaw this movie has (out of a billion other flaws) is the day-to-night shots. Everybody says that it's too dark outside or it's nighttime, but it's clearly 1 PM. They didn't even try to hide this fact by tinting the film, or having people stand in shadows, or anything. Just bam! It's "night".

Ok so in the forest, the aliens, the Eye Creatures, are roaming around. Stan and Susan are driving when they hit one, killing it. Killing it caused the alien's hand to break off (I don't know) and the hand tears a hole in the tire. They walk to Old Man Bailey's house to call the police, but because they're "kids", the cops don't listen to them.

Then here comes Carl. He spots the dead monster, rushes to a phone (I think it was Old Man Bailey's phone as well) and calls Mike, telling him they're gonna be rich! Mike doesn't believe him either and just wants to go back to sleep. Carl goes back to the body to put it in his car when another alien shows up and kills Carl.

The police show up (because Old Man Bailey told them to cause of all the people coming in and out of his house) and spot Carl's body. The cops think it's what Stan and Susan hit and arrest them for manslaughter. They prove their innocence by saying they hit an alien, but no one will listen. Then it turns into "The Fugitive".

Stan and Susan are left alone in the police station by a unlocked door, so of course they run out, steal a car, and go to Mike's house. They think if they get Mike on their side, the cops will listen to them. Mike at first doesn't believe them, but once he learns about Carl's death, he slowly gives in.

All three drive back to the first, where they spot the disembodied hand locked in a car. Mike sees it, believes them finally, and goes to take a picture of it. The flash from the bulb causes the hand to blow up. Armed with this knowledge, they now know how to kill the aliens: by shining bright lights on them. So they're the original "Gremlins"?

Like I said, this is a really bad monster movie but it's a lot of fun. It's so bad and cheesy that you'll find plenty to laugh about. Especially when we see Mike and his choice of sleepwear. Even if you watch this movie without the guys of MST3K, I think you'll enjoy the experience. Just don't take it seriously, lord knows the people who made it didn't.

-Jason

The Netflix Corner #1

2011-11-03T10:17:00.004-04:00

Alright, it's time to debut a new feature. A couple of weeks ago, I was searching my stat counter info for all the people that came to The Site and The Blog and looked up the keywords they used to come here. Among all these weird interesting words like "hairy-bears-chain-match-cage-fight-hotel-wrestling" (I have no idea), one thing kept popping up. "best bad/b-movies on Netflix". I figured well if people are Googling it and they end up here anyway, I might as well help out. So every Thursday, I'll suggest one or two awesomely bad movies you can find on Netflix, either DVD or Instant Watch.

So to start us off is one of my favorite recent discoveries, "Popcorn" from 1991.

I've reviewed this in the past but really if you love old fashioned B-Movies, you really need to check it out. You get three fake movies inside a movie about a slasher. It's like every great genre combined. You can't go wrong. It is currently only on Instant Watch but a group of fans have gotten together and are working on releasing a Special Fan Edition on DVD and Blu-Ray sometime in the future. I honestly can't wait for that.

With that done, here's the second part of the Netflix Corner: The Netflix Game! I made a post a month or two ago about the awful movie descriptions Netflix gives to movies and made up some examples. That was a lot of fun so I thought well, let's do that again and make it a regular game! Huh? Let's do this!

The rules are simple: I'm gonna give the Netflix description of three movies and you have to guess what movies I'm talking about. Now, the descriptions are NOT real, I'm making them up so don't go searching. Hard is worth 3 points, medium is 2 points, and easy 1 point.

1. Hard: In order to succeed, a man must re-learn everything he didn't learn the first time around.
2. Medium: An unclean cop who loves big weapons must stop a serial killer.
3. Easy: Two guys who hate their job talk about relationships, pop culture, and awful customers.

And that's it. Good luck!
-Jason

Dude! It's MST3K Month!

2011-11-02T20:46:00.002-04:00

I forgot to formally announce that all of November will be (here at Invasion of the B Movies) MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 MONTH!!!

YAY!!!!

....what do you mean "what does that mean?" I mean...gah! It's....Mystery Science Theater 3000....month.

Oh alright fine.

All throughout November, I will be watching MST3K episodes and reviewing movies featured on MST3K! This includes:
-A video review of "The Green Slime", the movie watched in the pilot episode of "MST3K"
-A Site review of "Laserblast", which Leonard Maltin actually kinda liked
-And a bunch of other stuff in between!

This won't tie-in to the Lair, but that's fine. We did enough tributes to it last year. So with that said...

To Infinity! And...Other Stuff!
-Jason

Horror Hangover

2011-11-01T12:29:00.002-04:00

Oh my god, you guys. I have SUCH a horror hangover. I don't even WANT to THINK about another horror movie...for a few days. Gah.

You DO know what I'm talking about, right? Obviously you been keeping up with all my writings at Man, I Love Films, and you knew that this past weekend they let me take over their site by having me review five horror movies? But I did so much more than that.

In case you missed it due to a dentist appointment or something, I'll give you a rundown on what went down.

First up was my regular Thursday posting where I reviewed "Behind The Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon". Fuckin' awesome movie. If you haven't seen it, you totally should.

Speaking of needing to see movies, on Friday I wrote out a list of my 10 movies YOU need to see like RIGHT FUCKING NOW! (They wouldn't let me put "fucking" in the title, but it was there in spirit.

Later that night, my review of "The People Under The Stairs" went up. I've loved this movie since I was a kid and I never released how fuckin' weird it is.

Saturday I decided to go old school (at least for the site) and review a Vincent Price film. I did "The Last Man On Earth", which is the first version of "I Am Legend" to hit the screens. Way better than the Will Smith film.

By Sunday I was kinda feeling it and picked a movie that's not easily available. I own it on VHS. It's probably why it doesn't have any comments on it. Anyway, I reviewed "Demonoid", a devil possesses a hand movie. Yeah, one of THOSE!

Monday was, of course, Halloween so I went ape shit, fuckin' nuts and posted an editorial about Why NOT Horror Movies? I think I made my point!

And finally, the top it all off, I had to review a "Halloween"-centric film. A film that's a "scream", maybe some named Jamie, Lee, or Curtis would enjoy. I hope the star of "Shrek" Mike Meyers loves this movie! Of coruse I'm talking about..."Trick R Treat" from 2007. What else?

To be serious for a moment, I really did have a lot of fun posting these reviews, a list and editorial and I do want to thank Dylan and Kai for letting me do it. They trusted their baby to me and I probably scarred it for life but I think after some therapy it'll be OK eventually. For now, I go back to only posting on Thursdays at MILF. And boy do I have a film for this Thursday...

As for this site/blog, I have something fun planned starting on Thursday. I'm just gonna be the King of Thursdays! So stay tuned for that!
-Jason

A Serbian Film

2011-10-31T13:01:00.000-04:00

Jason: So the story about this review is a bit detailed. I'll try to keep it brief. As you no doubt know, my fellow blogging friend Nick Jobe of Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob also does freelance writing at Man, I Love Films. He does all the new DVD releases. One day, he was complaining about the lack of good films coming out on DVD and while doing some research of my own, I saw that sometime in mid-October "A Serbian Film" was getting a US DVD release. I immediately said "DUDE! How fuckin' awesome and funny would it be if that was reviewed on MILF? AND since it's a horror movie, I tag teamed the review with you!" Nick loved the idea. Who didn't love the idea? The minds behind Man, I Love Films. They respectfully declined, saying the film is too deplorable to be up on their site. Still thinking this was an awesome idea, I said "fuck it, let's just do it on our own blogs". And that's what we're doing. So here is our review of "A Serbian Film".

Jason: "A Serbian Film" is one of those movies people talk about in hushed tones. Only certain people are aware of its existence, and if you try to bring it to the mainstream, you'll be easily arrested for crimes against humanity. I'm pretty sure the writer and director set out to make a fucked up movie but I don't think even he was prepared for how people were gonna react to this film.

As I throw to Nick to give his opening thoughts, I have to say I have no idea how he'll react to this film as he gave me the pleasure to be the first one to watch it. When I suggested "Visitor Q" to him, saying how fucked up it is, he watched it and laughed it off. If he can laugh off necrophilia and weird lactating mothers, I'm not sure how he'll react to "A Serbian Film."

Nick: Well, Jason... I'm so glad you asked. It turns out my initial reaction was something akin to "I don't mind never seeing this film again. Ever." Now, I talk a lot about a little film called Salo. In fact, when Serbian was first in the news, a lot of other people said it was the Salo of our day. I can see that. I felt almost equally ill after finishing this one as I did with that one. But there are at least one or two major differences that set those two films apart, and I think that's what I really want to explore here. But first, let's look at the story itself.

Jason: At the start of the film we're treated to a skanky chick in an alley. We meet Milos, who comes into the alley, and basically rips her panties off and starts fucking her on a motorcycle. This all turns out to be a porn film Milos was in. Milos is a retired porn star with several titles under his cock.

And not only is this from a porn film, but the person watching said porn film is Petar, Milos son. That might not seem like a big deal but Petar is only like 8 or so. So yeah. Milos and his wife Maria walk in on this and turn it off. Milos doesn't think it's a big deal but Maria thinks the porn watching should wait until he's a bit older. Like 10 or so.

Now that Milos is retired, he doesn't really have another job. Maria has a job as some sort of interpreter but it's not enough to pay the bills. So they need some sort of other income. Ok, I have a question: can male porn stars REALLY retire? I mean there are people who are into all kinds of weird stuff (as we'll find out in a bit here) so really couldn't an old guy still be banging away at hot chicks, as long as he's still "equipped"? Milos here still is because that's all everyone says in this movie how Milos can still get it up and keep it hard for a long time.

Nick: Well... there is Ron Jeremy. But that's beside the point. Anyway, an old acquaintance of Milos (a female porn star who has apparently turned to bestiality films to make some cash) has returned to tell him about an underground director who will shell out some big bucks (like, retire and never work a day in your life again kind of big bucks) if he participates in his next porn film. The only catch is... the dude refuses to tell him what the porno is about or what he has to do outside of have sex. After talking it over with his wife, Milos reluctantly agrees.

The first day of shooting has them at an old building for abandoned and orphaned children. So... off to a good start, then, huh? For whatever reason, Milos doesn't turn and run immediately, but instead gets a little earpiece so that the director can tell him what to do. Mainly, he walks around and watches as some females get slapped and dragged around. Then he gets a blowjob while having to watch two videos of an underage girl eating a popsicle and the same girl putting on makeup.

But then the next day (I believe) happens... and he's taken to a room in the building where he's forced to rape a woman. And if that wasn't enough, he has to do it while a young, underage girl from earlier scenes sits and watches. Needless to say, he's a bit weirded out by the whole thing. We're about an hour into the film at this point... it's actually been relatively boring and quite tame in comparison to other films. However, he goes to talk to the director about the movie and what's going on and... this is when the movie gets... well, where it starts to earn its reputation. I'll let my associate briefly describe what you're missing.

Jason: Milos is creeped out and wants out of the project, despite getting a gazillion dollars. The director (whom I'll call Lars Von Trier cause I forgot his name already) convinces Milos to stay cause all he's really doing is just fucking. I don't think that's the real problem, Lars. But Milos stays on...until he's forced to hit a woman. Now that's the last straw.

Milos confronts Lars Von Trier and wants to know what kind of movie this is. Lars says he makes artsy films that involve sex of all kinds. Then he shows him a scene from the movie. I hesitate to even mention this cause really it involves two words that NEVER should be put together, and I'm sure there are people out there who Google such things and I don't want them coming to my site. (I'm sure Nick doesn't want them on his site either.)

Nick: Not particularly.

Jason: Basically, we get a scene of a pregnant lady who produces a new human being, and then we get a guy (who is the guy that's been driving Milos around town) grabbing this new human being and having adult relations with it. Yeah. You wanna know the fucked up part? I KNEW this was going to happen but I DIDN'T know we would actually see the act. Sure the new human being looks fake as hell, but still. That's an image that sticks with you, man.

Nick: Indeed.

Jason: Milos is grossed out, and he runs out of the house. He totally doesn't want anything to do with this movie anymore. But Lars says "fuck that" and drugs his drink, which causes him to pass out. Oh, Lars Von Trier.

Milos wakes up and it's like two or three days later. He's all bloodied and bruised and doesn't remember anything. Ladies and gentlemen, "A Serbian Hangover"! He can't find Maria or Petar so he drives back to Von Trier's house, finds it empty, but finds some tapes lying around. Milos snags them, finds a quiet spot in the forest, and watches a lovely Disney movie.

Ok, not really. It shows all the fucked up shit Milos did when he was blacked out. He fucked a chick, then cut her head off while doing it (Nick: Don't forget the part where he continues to bang her despite the headlessness of the situation). Then there's a part where Milos was passed out so some other dude comes in and fucks him. Nice.

Milos slowly remembers everything, including not wanting to do a scene where he fucks the 12-year-old girl from earlier in the movie (yeah, I'm OK with those grouping of words but not "new human sex") so he escapes from the scene. But Lars Von Trier is a tricky motherfucker! He finds Milos in the street and drags him back to some warehouse. This is where the real fun is.

Nick: You mean we weren't having fun yet? To be perfectly honest, I do think the blacking out and having the majority of the rest of the film be him discovering things through the tapes to be an actual good idea. Too bad the things on the tapes were... well, what they were. Anyway...

Jason: So Milos and some masked guy are presented with two unconscience bodies. They're both covered up except for their asses and one of them is smaller than the other. Both Milos and the masked guy start fucking the bodies, with Milos fucking the smaller one. The masked guy takes his mask off and it's...Milos' brother! And the two bodies they are fucking?

Umm...if you haven't figured it out by now...

Family is missing... Milos was doing the smaller one... yeah... I hope you figured it out.

Nick: Poor Peter Dinklage...

Jason: Armed with this knowledge, Milos just goes fucking nuts and punches and kills dudes left and right. The best part? The "new human fucker" only had one eye so Milos starts FUCKING THE BAD EYE TO DEATH!! After so much fucked up shit, this was such a breath of fresh air. God... did I just say that?

Nick: No, I will back Jason up on this. Everything prior to this point had been so insane and ridiculously awful that by the time Milos fights back and very literally and graphically skull fucks this dude, it's pretty much the most awesome thing you've ever seen in your life. I know that sounds crazy, but trust us... or at least don't call the police.

Jason: Let's end this review.

Nick: I concur.

Jason: Milos kills everyone, including the brother, and takes his family back home. The family is freaked out (naturally) and don't know how to cope with what just happened. They all agree the best way is to just kill themselves. So in the cheeriest of all endings, Milos kills himself, Maria, and Petar with one bullet. And then...some weird guy is at the house, telling some other guy to fuck the dead corpses. THE END!!

Nick: Is the movie totally messed up? To put it lightly, yes. But it's not without purpose. I'm not trying to defend the film, but at the very least, it's not being disturbing for the sake of being disturbing. Outside of the final 30 seconds (which I think is like "OK, that's too much now"), the film does have a purpose and a reason for being what it is. Did it need to be made and done the way it was to give us that purpose? That's a whole other discussion.

Also, on a technical level, it's actually a well made film. It has a decent lead character, a truly evil and despicable villain, a finely paced story, good use of the camera, and even a pretty good soundtrack. Of course, none of that makes up for what is actually involved in the film, and you probably won't find me jammin' out to my brand new Serbian Film soundtrack CD. But I'm just saying that outside of the terrible, evil things that happen in the film, it's rather competently made.

As for how it stacks up to "Salo"... I'm not sure it does. To be perfectly honest, I found "Salo" to be more disturbing and vile. While "A Serbian Film" made me nauseated and upset, I was fine after a few hours--and then forgot most of the movie within the week. "Salo", on the other hand, stuck with me for days, and I still can't get some of that imagery out of my head. But there is one major thing, as I stated earlier, that makes Salo more evil and harder to watch--Salo is from the perspective of the evil-doers, and the events are shown in a cheerful, positive light; "Serbian Film", on the other hand, is from the perspective of the victims, so it's really not different than a highly disturbing horror film. Milos is just as disturbed and affected by the events as we are. I'm not using this comparison to advocate watching either one of them. But as the two have been compared, and as the newer of the two is often stated as being the most disturbing film ever made, I'm going to have to disagree.

Jason: Holy fuck, what do I say about a movie like this? Ok, if you ignore all the REAL fucked up parts, and just look at it as a film, it is shot brilliantly, the acting is very well done, and the story (again minus the fucked up parts) is good. What would one do to keep food on the table? Would any human really go through these lengths? And supposedly, this is supposed to be a symbolic film about the country of Serbia. I don't live in Serbia so I can't speak for that but if that's true, they should get out.

Nick: Specifically, I think it has to do with being a social commentary regarding censorship in Serbia. But regardless how you look at it, it's a messed up movie. I mean, yeah, if you look past all that stuff, it is very well done all around, but I'm not quite sure that makes up for the actual content of the film (specifically the last 45 minutes or so). I said it earlier, and I'll say it again. I don't mind never seeing this again. Ever.

Nick's Rating: WTF.

The Soto List: 10 Really Weird, Creepy Music Videos

2011-10-23T23:32:00.005-04:00

Music videos aren't really 100% scary. It's kinda hard to set up something scary in 3 minutes. But some videos do try their best to make them so weird they're memorable. Before you start the list, just know that I don't think these are really scary, I'm just counting down different or strange music videos that has some horror elements to it. With that said...

10. Miles Fisher-This Must Be The Place

Start off kinda light. I just like this video because of what it parodies.

9. Korn-A.D.I.D.A.S

Again, still kinda light. Korn as zombies? Fuck yeah.

8. Robbie Williams-Rock DJ

This is just...weird.

7. Soundgarden-Black Hole Sun

When this video first came out, it freaked me the fuck out. Now, it's not too bad but still really fucking weird.

6. Marilyn Manson-Sweet Dreams (Are Made of These)

This Marilyn Manson video probably has the most creepy images. And keep this in mind: all the people you see in the video are guys.

5. Tool-Stinkfist

There's a lot of Tool videos I could've put here, but this one struck me as the weirdest. Well this and "Prison Sex".

4. Bush-Greedy Fly

Under the "what the fuck was that about?" category, I remember when this video debuted back in 1997. Considering all of Bush's videos were just them playing while lights flickered, this was such a departure.

3. Nine Inch Nails-Pinion

If you never seen it, the ending throws you for a loop. Possibly the shortest music video I could find.

2. Apex Twin-Come To Daddy

I was gonna put "Window Licker" but kids is more creepier than a guys face on a hot chick's body. If you really want a good scare, look up Chris Cunningham's 6 minute film "Rubber Johnny". It's REALLY fucking weird.

1. Salem-Piggyhog

Sleep tight!
-Jason

Jason on Jason: Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday

2011-10-23T00:28:00.003-04:00

*Snicker* Sure. The FINAL Friday. Whatever you say, yo.

So what would it look like if "Friday the 13th" actually had a plot behind it? It'd look something like "Jason Goes To Hell". I'm guessing someone at New Line said "Let's have a Friday the 13th film where Jason finally dies." My response is "Well, he kinda died in Part 8. Why can't THAT be the "final" Friday?"

I guess some people didn't like Part 8 and so a whole film had to be made to find the most elaborate way to kill Jason, while ignoring Part 8 completely. Because we start with a chick arriving at Camp Crystal Lake and she's by herself. She gets naked, gets in the tub, and is about to bath in a horribly rusted bathtub when the lights go off. Of course she investigates and soon, Jason shows up to kill her.

But she manages to quickly wrap a towel and run through the forest with Jason chasing after her. The chick stops for a breather, but here comes Jason! He's about to slash her when...

Lights come on! SWAT guys come out of nowhere! Then they drop a fucking bomb on him, blowing him up in a million pieces. So they just NOW thought to do this? And here's the weird part, I thought no one knew about or believed in Jason yet somehow a whole SWAT team is here to blow him up?

And for some reason, they take the blown up body to the morgue. Why? Just fucking, I dunno, burn all the body parts. Something. But some medical examiner guy is poking around Jason's body when he finds the heart. And it starts pumping. And for no fucking reason whatsoever, the guy just EATS the heart.

Yum. Jason Voorhee's heart. I'd love to see that be a secret ingredient on Iron Chef.

"Tonight's secret ingredient is.......
*whoosh*
JASON VOORHEE'S HEART!!!!! AHHHHHHH CUISINE!!!!!!"

Well, turns out eating Jason's heart makes him possess your body. The examiner's partner picked the wrong time to show up and start making fun of Jason and threaten to poop on Jason's face.

I bet that's a fetish site somewhere. www.pooponmyhockeymask.com. $9.99 for the first 10 minutes.

Anyway, we then go back to the nearby town and the town is celebrating Jason's death. The local news show is running a special report about a guy named Duke who thinks Jason isn't really dead but he knows how to do it. The reporter, Robert, offers Duke $10,000 to do the job.

Then the local restaurant is making hockey mask hamburgers to mark the occasion. We meet Diana, a waitress at the restaurant. Duke shows up and tells Diana she knows what she must do. Unfortunately, her boyfriend is the town's sheriff and he puts Duke in jail.

Also at the restaurant is Steven. Steven use to date Diana's daughter Jessica until something that's never explained cause them to break up. Now Jessica is dating Robert and it looks like she and Steven had a kid that he doesn't know about. Jeez. Diana tells Steven to meet up with her to drop some heavy news on him. I already see where this is all going but I'll let it play out.

One the deputies stays behind to watch Diana for some creepy reason but his shift is over, so he meets up with his date. Jason, who's possessing the body of the examiner, kills the date and drags the deputy to some empty house, where he shaves the deputy, then possesses him. I guess Jason doesn't like facial hair.

Now that Jason is in this new body, he goes to Diana's house and tries to kill her. Steven shows up, tries to save her by throwing the deputy out the window. And it's here that I notice this movie either rips off or pays homages to other horror films. Here, we get a "Halloween" rip off when the deputy falls out the second story window and lands face down. But when Steven looks back out...the body's gone! GASP!

And of course the sheriff shows up, finds his girlfriend dead, and pins it on Steven. Steven is thrown in jail and there he meets Duke. Duke tells Steven that Jessica and their daughter are direct relation to Jason and only Jessica can kill Jason. But Jason wants to kill Jessica and the baby before that happens.

You know what's funny? Steven, when he meets the baby for the first time, says he doesn't know it's name. And neither do we. Ever in the movie. I guess that makes all of us the father?

Anyway, Steven escapes from jail and goes to what's called The Voorhee's house. Wait, he has a house in town? Why didn't he ever just stay there? Again, just like Michael Meyers. Oh AND the whole "He has a sister that he's after" angle. This movie LOVES "Halloween".

Did I mention the sheriff's name is Loomis? Yeah...

Anyway at the house, he hears a noise so he goes and hides when Robert shows up. Robert is on the phone (Zach Morris phone FOR THE MOTHERFUCKING WIN!) and of course he explains to the person on the phone his EVIL plan! He's only fucking Jessica to get closer to the whole Jason angle. He even went so far to STEAL Diana's body and hide it in the house so they can find the body when they film some live event the next day.

Holy fuck, dude! You STOLE A BODY?! God damn! I hope Jason possesses you and everyone spends the whole movie shooting you over and over again.

Oh snap, that's exactly what happens.

There's a point where Steven kills Robert in front of Jessica, who doesn't get the whole possession thing so she thinks he did it out of jealousy. When Jessica runs to the police to report Steven, Robert/Jason shows up and try to possess Jessica. She now believes.

Duke, who I forgot about, escapes from jail. Steven and Jessica goes back to the restaurant, where the baby is at. Robert/Jason shows up and we get some pretty cool kills here when he kills almost everybody in the restaurant. Jessica goes to where the baby is and finds that Duke took it and they're at Jason's house.

Jessica arrives at the house where Duke tells her what she must do, even giving her the knife to do the job. She doesn't want to, for some reason. But when Jason shows up in a new possessed body, they try to kill him but she stupidly drops the knife. D'OH!

When the body Jason is in is no longer any good, the heart just says "Fuck this" and decides to look like a giant tad pole. Actually, it looks like a demented sperm. Steven asks Duke if the Voorhees needed to bring Jason back to life has to be alive and he says no. So we get a shot of the sperm going between Diane's legs...

OH MY FUCKING GOD THAT'S YOUR SISTER!

Man, I have a way of finding these weird incest films. Nick Jobe gets the rape films, I get the incest. Fantastic.

Anyway, Jason is fully "reborn" and he looks like himself again. Steven decides to distract Jason while Jessica finds the knife. So Jason had no problem randomly killing strangers, but he just plays around with Steven? He just throws him around, throws harmless stuff at him, and maybe lightly punches him. The fuck, dude? Rip his throat out! Twist his neck! SOMETHING!

But this goes on long enough for Jessica to find the knife and stab Jason. Then we get a light show. Cause all weird spirital films in the early 90's had to have a light show. The ground opens up, demons grab Jason, and soon he does go to hell. At least we have a title.

And we get the famous final scene of Freddy's glove popping up from the ground and grabbing Jason's mask and pulling it down with him. Hm, I wonder where THAT'S gonna go.

So it's weird watching a "Friday the 13th" film that had so much plot and stuff happening. For like 8 movies it's been nothing but slash slash hack kill kill then Jason is stopped in many different ways. This time, they try to explain the whole thing on how Jason never dies (even though EVERYTHING fucking melted away in New York City but whatever) and what it'd take to finally kill him.

Does it work? Not really. I was somewhat bored with the whole thing. I just wanted Jason and some good kills. It's what I expect in a "Friday the 13th" film. If I want elaborate stories with some good kills, I'd watch another horror series like "Hellraiser" "A Nightmare on Elm Street" or some movie John Carpenter wrote and directed. I can't think of the name right now...

-Jason

The Soto List: 6 Movies To Watch For A Halloween Party (Adult Version)

2011-10-20T15:01:00.004-04:00

So the other day I gave you six awesome movies to watch if you're throwing a Halloween party and kids will be present. The last option on that list was for when the kids are gone. But now let's say you clearly imply you don't want kids there. Maybe you want to get sloppy drunk. Maybe you want to get stripper zombies. Maybe there's gonna be copious amounts of drugs around. Whatever, there are NO KIDS here. And you want to show six awesomely weird, fucked up horror movies.

1. So since this is an adults only party, things are gonna start a bit later. Probably around 7 or 8. You been drinking since maybe 11 that morning. You want to start the night off right but not freak anybody out quite yet. What do you start with?

Many people slam the ending, which I can understand cause if you apply it to the rest of the film, it makes no fucking sense. But there's gonna be some people who never seen this movie and they'll be hooked early on. I say just enjoy it for what it is: an awesome horror movie. That starts off with a chick masturbating. To her female friend. Yep.

2. Someone says to you "I want to see some WEIRD shit" or "Jason, you keep bragging that you have some fucking weird movies. I want to see one now!" You (if your name is Jason) say "Ok, you asked for it." And then you put on:

(AGAIN NOT SAFE FOR WORK! GET BACK TO WORK YOU LOAD!)
I don't have words.

3. Now that you showed them what's what, people either want to leave or want something a bit...lighter. It's probably almost midnight at this point, the cocaine just now kicked in, and you saunter up to your awesome DVD collection. After running your fingers across the DVD's you stop at:

This movie is fucking amazing. Again, a perfect midnight movie to watch at a Halloween party with a bunch of drunk coked up adults. It'll take their minds off "Bloodsucking Freaks" and when it's over, they'll be in good spirits again.

4. Then one of them, probably a female, talks about wanting a kid. I blame the booze, but whatever. You go "you want kids, huh?" So you show her this.

Sorry for all the French stuff. Yeah, you'll have to read subtitles but it'll be worth it. In case you don't know or didn't figure it out, "Inside" is about a pregnant chick who gets terrorized by a crazy bitch who wants to cut out the fetus and keep it. Yeah.

5. "YOU KNOW WHAT'S A FUCKED UP MOVIE?!" you scream for no reason, scaring everyone. They look at you kinda weird, especially since you keep chuckling to yourself. "This movie. It's almost 3AM. I can't think of a better time to watch..."

FEED HER!! FEED HER!!

6. The sun is almost up. People want to leave but you deadbolted the door, do one more line of coke, and go "NO! ONE MORE! Then you shall leave! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" You should look into where you got this coke. So what's the perfect movie to cap off this awesome night of fucked up terror?

I KICK ASS FOR THE LORD!

It's about 8 AM, some people have fallen asleep, others snuck out. You are in and out of consciousness. And before you truly pass out for 18 hours, you think to yourself "I had a kickass party. Boobs."
-Jason

I'm Gonna Defend: My Opinion On Katie Featherston

2011-10-20T00:22:00.001-04:00

To gear up for what I'm calling "Paranormal" weekend, I'm gonna dedicate this post to an argument I had with Dylan from "Man I Love Films" about the lead actress in "Paranormal Activity". He takes issue with the fact that I called her "hot" while he says she's "cute with a nice rack". With this in mind, I figured I should explain myself.

When it comes to rating the attractiveness of a female, I go by two standards "Hot" or "Not". Whereas many people (I guess including Dylan) goes by "Hot" "Sorta Hot" "Cute" "Sorta Cute" and "OMG WHO BEAT HER WITH AN UGLY STICK?!". So when I say Katie from "Paranormal" is hot, I mean "She's really fuckable".

Ok, that's probably going a bit too far. But to understand what I mean and my tastes in celebrity women, here's a list of chicks I find "hot":
Jenna "Pam From The Office" Fisher
Katy Perry
Kat Dennings
Aubrey Plaza from "Parks and Rec"
Both Britta and Anne from "Community".
Megan Fox (of course)
The Other Chick from "Jennifer's Body" Amanda something. She was also in "Mamma Mia", which isn't really making me want to watch that movie.

And so on. I could go on for awhile, but you probably got the idea. In conclusion, Katie from "Paranormal Activity" is hot.
-Jason

The Soto List: 6 Movies To Watch At A Halloween Party (Kid Friendly Version)

2011-10-18T11:56:00.004-04:00

Some people say "You're the best horror expert ever!" and while I try to remain humble and say thanks, I realize they were talking to someone else behind me and I just got in the way. But I still like to think I know a LITTLE something about horror movies and think I could pick out, say, 6 or 8 horror movies for an awesome scary movie festival at my house.

But here's a catch: Now that I'm in the 30's, I know a lot of people with kids. And as tempting as it is to put in the Facebook Invite (Welcome to the 21st century) NO FUCKING KIDS, most likely they'll bring them along to show off their cute Halloween costumes, which is either gonna be a pumpkin or something not scary at all like a pink bunny.

I can just hear all my female readers go "AWWW!"

Anyway, I need to be smart and pick some good scary movies but with the mindset of kids being around. Let's go!

1. So let's say I want to start the party at around 1PM cause we're gonna be watching a shit-ton of movies. It's early in the afternoon, the food is still cooking/hasn't arrived yet (30 minutes or less my ass) and people isn't interested in hearing my story of meeting Tommy Wiseau again for the 20th time. What do I do?! I pop in:

You got kids, monsters everyone knows, and the movie doesn't nessessarily pander to kids or adults. It's the perfect "family" film, as it were.

2. Ok, now it's around 3 or 4 in the afternoon. If you're doing this on Halloween (or the day your city says it's ok for kids to go trick-or-treating, like the Saturday before) most likely the parents will go take their kids out, or the kids will just roam around themselves. Yeah, they'll be fine. There's no creepy people in my neighborhood...except that guy who lives in that house by himself at the end of the block. He never seems to cut his grass...anyway. Now it's just adults for a little bit, we got two hours but you wanna save the good scary stuff for later at night. What now? I recommend:

Ok, you got the bit of nudity at the end (both male and female) which is why this is the perfect movie to put on while the house is kid-free. Plus, this movie is a must-A MUST-for any good horror movie fest.

3. Now it's around 6 or 7. The kids-or some of them-are back and now they're concerned with the candy. While the parents are checking the candy for anything harmful like razor blades, poison, or candy corn, you all need to watch something together, but the kids are amped up at this point. So let's go with something a bit classic, shall we? How about:

It's kid friendly ENOUGH but still pretty good and the kids will probably find it scary. Plus when the scenes where zombies aren't present, they can focus on opening their candy.

4. Now the kids are all wired on candy and running around. It's nothing but high energy craziness! You need something where you don't have to focus too much on plot and maybe matches the same amount of craziness. Let's go with:

I didn't go with the first one cause it's probably too scary. The second one does have scary moments but it's campy enough to watch with a room full of screaming kids running around, beating each other up with pillows or whatever it is kids do nowadays (probably just run around texting each other on Twitter or some such thing. BAH!)

5. It's close to midnight! The kids have crashed from all the sugar and are sleeping in the other room. Some other people either left cause of all the screaming kids, or the parents are concerned their kids haven't returned yet. So now it's just you and your TRUE horror loving friends left. It's time to get into the shit. And that's when I pull out this movie. I'm going with this cause it looks fucking awesome and it's something not ordinary like "Halloween" or "The Exorcist". And if you come to MY house, you expect to watch at least one cheesy movie. And that movie is:

(I love that this trailer is nothing but the same note of music being played over and over again.) Again, I haven't seen this movie yet but I hear it's awesomely bad. I really can't wait to watch it.

6. Ok it's probably around 1 or 2 in the morning. I'm not tired, I got a few people left. All the parents have left with their kids so we can pretty much watch anything. Since we have one movie left in us, I go to my awesome movie collection and pick out:

(FYI THE TRAILER IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK. WHY ARE YOU READING MY SHIT AT WORK ANYWAY?!)

As you can see, there's A LOT of tits and overall nudity in this movie. And this movie is laughably bad. It's a good midnight/after midnight movie to watch cause of the nudity and the horrible zombies. I do recommend this movie if you're able to watch a zombie movie that doesn't take itself serious.

And so that's it. There were a bunch others I had in mind but I couldn't really fit them anywhere. I'll probably do another post sometime this week where it is ADULTS ONLY. That should be fun.
-Jason

How I Met Michael, Freddy, and Jason

2011-10-14T23:25:00.003-04:00

With Halloween quickly approaching, and everybody (including people who don't watch horror movies) getting into the horror movie mood, I figured this would be a great time to dive into my past a bit and tell you some of the interesting stories on the first time I ever watched "Halloween", "A Nightmare on Elm Street", and a "Friday the 13th" film. I don't really know how interesting these stories will be, but I promised I'd post more this month, about horror movies and dammit, that's what you're getting. So in no particular order...

Halloween
This is probably going to seem very strange to you. But the very first time I seen "Halloween" was in school. In the 4th grade. During music class. I dunno what 2011 teaching standards are like now (Nick?) but I guess back in 1989 things were a bit more relaxed. Plus this is fuckin' East Chicago, Indiana, not the "wrong side" of the tracks in L.A. Although it's funny to imagine Morgan Freeman/Michelle Pfeiffer/Edward James Olmos showing a bunch of kids "Halloween".

But anyway, yes we were sitting in our music class in the 4th grade watching "Halloween", which if you don't know why that's shocking, you need to revisit that movie and watch it as an 8 year old. Hell, there's boobs in the first five minutes. Now you are probably asking yourself "Why did a music teacher do this?" Her (yes HER) whole point was to show how music is important in movies and how anytime Michael Meyers came on screen, the music got all scary and dramatic. It's an interesting point and was one hell of a way to introduce me to this movie. What did I think about it back then? I thought it was awesome. Some people didn't like it but that's people from Indiana for you.

A Nightmare on Elm Street
I think I told this story before but I don't remember so here it is again. Again, I was probably a bit too young to be seeing this movie but alas I was 6 years old. Without getting into a huge giant family history, for a year I had to live with my grandparents and my uncle, who was like 12 or 13 at this point. So one night, "A Nightmare on Elm Street" came on and my grandparents were asleep so it was just me and my uncle watching this. Now I should point out that the year I stayed with them, my uncle would terrorize me like an older brother would a younger. So we're watching the movie and he's being oddly silent. Then the movie ends, my grandmother wakes up and tells us to go to bed. Also, me and my uncle shared a bedroom cause it was a two bedroom house. And we had bunk beds. So I was on the top bunk, he was on the bottom (there was a point in my life when I was skinny. It's been about 20 years but I was fucking skinny) and suddenly, my uncle starts making weird demonic noises and then shines a flashlight on the wall and suddenly he has four steak knives in his hands and he keeps saying he was Freddy. I nervously laughed and said quit it until my grandmother yelled at us. And true story, I didn't get a nightmare. Honestly, I never have nightmares. I have fucked up dreams where like my dick turns into a pair of sunglasses but I never woke up in a cold sweat. But anyway, that was the first time I seen "A Nightmare on Elm Street".

Friday the 13th Part 3
Yeah I didn't even start with the first one, where my namesake came from. It was like 1992 or so and I was over at a friends house and it started getting late. I was probably suppose to be home but then a movie called "Friday the 13th Part 3" came on and my friend said "OOH! Jason! It's Jason! We should watch!" I said "Ok, sure" and we watched and it was unbelieveable. If you need a reminder on what happens in that movie, check this out. Or if you want a smart person's perspective, check out James' review. Anyway, I watched the first two but I think they were out of order, then of course I watched Parts 8, 9, and 10/Jason X right when they came out and then my mom told me where she got my name from and I haven't been the same ever since.

So that's it. I dunno if this was interesting. Maybe? Sure. Anyway, look out for a fuckload of movie reviews from me in the next week or so.
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #22: The Wizard of Oz-ploitation

2011-10-14T10:22:00.001-04:00

This month, we are visited by Tom Clift from Movie Reviews by Tom as we talk about two Ozploitation films, movies made in Australia on a cheap budget. The two films we discuss are the spit-tastic "Patrick" and the fucking weird ass film "Body Melt".

Before that though, Jason has two special announcements, Tom discusses his weekly Double Feature game on his blog, and talk about the most Australian thing we've ever done.

Email: thelairunwanted@gmail.com
Facebook: facebook.com/thelairoftheunwanted

Enjoy!
-Jason

The Soto List: Top Ten Horror Movies I Want To See

2011-10-11T10:39:00.003-04:00

This being the month of Halloween, I thought it'd be fun to give you guys a run down of the Top Ten Horror Movies I Want To See In The Next Year. Just to let you know, some of these titles will probably show up as a review of some sort, so think of this as a preview of the next year.

10. Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet

As long as it isn't MOLLY Hatchet! The movie features Danielle Harris, who has been in every horror film since the '80s and been in stuff you wouldn't believe. And she's hot. So there's that.

9. Chopping Mall

This was featured on one of my favorite podcasts Outside The Cinema. I've heard of it before but after watching that trailer, I can't wait to see it. It's about killer robots in a mall. How CAN it not be good?

8. Die-ner (Get It?)

Nick Jobe has been trying to get me to watch this movie since he seen it, I dunno, 20 years ago or something. I finally give up and I promise I will in the next year or so. Happy, Nick?

7. The House of The Devil

All my smart horror movie friends go on and on about this movie. I been a bit leary only cause I hear it's 80% set up, which I'm not a huge fan of. But I guess I'll have to break down and check it out. I do like how it looks like an '80s film, right down to the characters wearing those old Walkman's.

6. Return to Sleepaway Camp

I love the first movie, and I haven't seen the sequels yet. From what I hear, this film isn't really related to the others so I could probably just jump ahead. The trailer makes the movie look entertaining enough and I had no idea Issac Hayes was in it. I swear I'll die if he said "Hello Children!"

5. Long Island Cannibal Massacre
There is something resembling a trailer on Youtube, but it's 4 minutes long and I think it gives away the whole damn movie. Not that it matters, cause it looks fucking stupid and awful. But, that's what I do. I guess if anybody asked me what type of movies do I review, I'd direct them to this one. I'd normally be excited about watching this kind of awful movie, but after the debacle that was "Murder Weapon", I've learned to not get too excited and wait till I see the movie.

4. All The Boys Love Mandy Lane

I will find a way to watch this movie this year, if it kills me. KILLS ME!

3. Grave Encounters

ANOTHER found footage movie? Yeah. But this one looks...(shudder).

2. Truth or Dare? A Critical Madness

Again, thanks to Outside The Cinema for exposing me to this one. When I heard their review, I immediately went on Amazon and bought a cheap VHS copy. I haven't watched it yet but I know when I do, it'll be a good time. And this is the best trailer I could find.

1. The Human Centipede 2

Why wouldn't it be my number 1? The plot is pretty interesting, and the black and white angle is different. Why not?

So that's it. Ten completely different horror films (sorta) that I can't wait to watch. What are YOU looking forward to seeing?
-Jason

New Review: TerrorVision

2011-10-08T22:23:00.001-04:00

Meet The Puttermans! Mom! Dad! Susie! Sherman! Gramps! And their alien monster pet!

TerrorVision

Enjoy!
-Jason

This October

2011-10-03T19:00:00.002-04:00

In case you didn't know, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Also, I normally do a month long Blog-A-Thon but the whole Netflix thing kinda fucked that up, so I'm probably gonna just make up for it be doing MORE reviews here on The Blog. Or at least TRY. Plus you have every Thursday at Man, I Love Films to look forward to.

Also, it's my Mom's birthday this month! And without her, you wouldn't have me! So keep that in mind. Yeah!

And also, something awesomely special is going to happen at the end of the month. Actually, TWO awesome special things are probably gonna happen. So stay tuned for that.

Anyway, I'm tired of people telling me what to do. What do you think I should do?
-Jason

Why We Need Video Stores Again

2011-10-02T01:28:00.004-04:00

Earlier this week, my internet and cable went out for two whole days. Cable I can go without for a couple of days but you fuck with my Internet, be prepared to feel my wrath! Anyway, this left a lot of down time around here. Me, if I lived by myself, I could just immerse myself in my DVD collection for days, hell weeks if I had to. But since I live with a female who simply doesn't understand that it's cool I own a movie where Chuck Norris fights a zombie ("Silent Rage"), I had to turn to other means to entertain her.

So I went to Redbox. I got "Source Code" cause it was the only movie that didn't feature a former wrestler trying to be funny. I get home and turns out she doesn't want to see "Source Code" and by this point my Internet and Cable is turned back on. She goes to catch up on America's Next Top Runway Chef And Pregnant while I catch up on my interwebz. Apparently some major sports related stuff happened.

Anyway, I had to return "Source Code" and I went off to do that. My plan? Walk in to the McDonalds, and simply return it. Instead, I see some crackhead playing around with the screen while behind her was a lady and her kid waiting patiently. The crackhead turned around, said "Oh" and left. So the lady and the kid went up to the screen.

Hoping they wouldn't take forever, I wait patiently behind her. After 10 seconds, a dude walks in sees where I'm standing and proceeds to stand behind me. So to set the scene for you, two guys are simply standing in a McDonald's waiting to use 21st Century technology that YOU THE PEOPLE DEMANDED to return/rent a movie.

You know, people who demanded these Redboxes, there use to be these MAGICAL buildings called "video stores" where there had every movie, new AND old, in existence. And if you just wanted to simply return a movie, all you had to do was walk in, drop the movie in a slot, and leave. You didn't even have to dress up for the occasion.

But no. Now we're stuck standing around a fast food place while some lady and a kid can't make up their mind WHICH movie featuring a wrestler trying to be funny they want to rent. Jesus, are there THAT many? The kid wanted to rent "Insidious" and I said "Yeah, get that! It's good!" The lady shoots me a dirty look and says "NO! NO SCARY MOVIES FOR MY PRECIOUS JONATHAN!" And she proceeds to rent "The Chaperone".

Poor Jonathan.

So this lady is taking FOR FUCKING EVER to pick her damn movies and all I want to do is return this movie that I even didn't get to see. Finally, she's done picking her movies...but now she wants to use promo/coupon codes. Fuck me, man.

I don't get it. I mean why did we as a society let this happen? What's the fucking difference between leaving your house to go to a big building to get a movie and leaving your house to go to some store/fast food place to get a movie? Both scenarios require me putting pants on. Especially when I go into a McDonald's.

Anyway, once the lady was done, I spent all of 5 seconds returning my movie and on the walk home, I remembered the good ol' days when I rented movies from video stores. But I already had that memory. In conclusion: BRING BACK VIDEO STORES! DAMMIT!
-Jason

Invasion of the B Movies TV #2: Night Life

2011-10-01T08:47:00.002-04:00

In episode 2, a teenager named Archie, who works in a funeral home, pisses off four asshole bullies and they make his life difficult. When the bullies end up getting killed, they still find ways to make his life difficult.

My god, this episode took me FOREVER so I really hope you enjoy it.
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #21: Bad Movies 101: Ed Wood

2011-09-15T14:30:00.001-04:00

This month, Jason and Nolahn go back to school and watch a couple of Ed Wood "classics", "The Bride of the Monster" and "Glen or Glenda".

Before that, they Come Clean on who should be the new Worst Director of All Time and get into a three layered discussion on Christopher Nolan. How those two things are related? You'll just have to listen.

On top of all that, Jason was drinking a hipster beer for the first time ever and it shows throughout the episode. Best episode ever? It's up to you to decide because that is where you and I will spend the rest of our lives!
-Jason

New Review: Ants

2011-09-09T00:58:00.002-04:00

Did you ever want to read a review where I utter the words "ants attack and kill Suzanne Somers"? Well, you're about to now!

Ants

Enjoy!
-Jason

Horror Thursday: The Poughkeepsie Tapes

2011-09-01T09:21:00.001-04:00

Over at Man, I Love Films, I review "The Poughkeepsie Tapes", which is a bit hard to track down. And I'll be honest with you folks, I haven't stopped thinking about this movie since I seen it two days ago. Anyway, here's the review.

Enjoy!
-Jason

Remembrances of Video Stores Gone By

2011-08-31T18:50:00.002-04:00

The year is 1987. I move into an apartment above a bar. Thinking back on it, it's like in Westerns where you could rent a room and the room would just have a bed and a sink to wash up in and that was it. The apartment was sorta like that, rented out to all the drunkards that frequented the bar below...and my Mom who was a waitress/bartender there.

Anyway, the street this bar was on was a very busy street. All along that block was a jewelry store, a small Chinese restaurant, a check cashing place (You know you live in the ghetto if your block has a check cashing place), and last but not least a small video store.

My mom LOVES movies, any kind of movies. Comedies, romances, dramas, sci-fi, action, and yes some horror. Since I was 7 at this time, she had to be careful with the movies she'd get but all thanks to her and this video store, I seen such great movies as "Rear Window", all three "Star Wars", "Die Hard", "Terminator 2", and a whole shitload of movies I'm sure many people probably don't remember. Like "The Bedroom Window" which was like "Rear Window" but with Steven Guttenberg. Yes, I promise you this movie really exists, I've seen it roughly 10 thousand times.

Anyway, this video store, in my 7-13 year old mind, was FUCKING AWESOME! The instant you walk in, off to your right, was the horror section. And it took up most of the store. Next to that was the comedy section. I spent most of my days between these two sections. Here, I saw both versions of "The Fly" (Yes, I saw Cronenberg's "Fly" when I was like 10 years old. I know ADULTS who can't handle that shit. And THIS is why I have a tough guy image.), both "Airplane" movies, "A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 3", and "Police Academy".

I loved this video store. It had every movie, a new release every week. It was awesome. Then, of course, it closed around 1993 and I was sad. It didn't matter cause the next year we moved and I found another video store. This video store...had an adult section in the back! OOOH!! I couldn't wait to be 21 to FINALLY go back there! Until then, my Dad's old Playboys would have to do.

This new video store was neat because in order to rent the videos you had to take these magnets up to the counter. And for each movie, there were two magnets: one for VHS and the other for Beta! Yeah! Remember Beta! I was like "WTF is Beta?" and I always would forget which magnet was for which (it was color coded, Blue for VHS and Red for Beta...I think) and I'd end up with a Beta. Yada yada yada, we had to buy a new VCR and we owed the store some money.

And one final memory: the reciept. It wasn't a small piece of paper. It was this HUGE GIANT DOT MATRIX paper thing. God, how many of those I found in my room when I moved in 2000.

Watching the video Matt posted at "Chuck Norris Ate My Baby" made me think about all this and how awesome video stores were. It really is a shame they had to close to make way for Netflix and Redbox. Honestly, nothing beats going into a giant store just full of movies and looking at each one, wondering how awful it is, maybe it'll be great, or remembering the good times you had watching these movies. If I had 3 wishes, one of them would be to take me back to the good old days of video stores galore.

The other two I'd just wish for booze and naked chicks.
-Jason

Invasion of the B Movies TV #1: Murder Weapon

2011-08-29T14:18:00.002-04:00

The first episode of my video review series. Two things:
1. I keep saying the name of the movie is "Murder WeaponS" instead of "Weapon". This was a mistake I wasn't aware of until I was editing. I didn't feel like reshooting those parts over, so it's a mistake I can live with.
2. I found out the proper way to say Linnea and I said it the wrong way. So another thing I'll just have to live with.

Also, this is the hardest I've ever worked on a video so I would LOVE some feedback, ANY kind of feedback. PLEASE!

Anyway, here you go. Enjoy!
-Jason

So What Gives, Mr. Funny Man?

2011-08-25T23:41:00.002-04:00

If you actually pay any attention to me and The Blog and Site, you probably noticed something: I haven't done a review in awhile. So what gives?

Well, I decided to take a short break, work on Episode 1 of "Invasion of the B Movies TV" then plan out how and when I'm gonna review shit. But don't worry! Reviews will be a-comin' in September! Starting with the aforementioned episode of "Invasion of the B Movies TV" which I am excited about.

Until then, I'll give you the answers to the Netflix thing I posted yesterday. A lot of people got them right.

1. A group of men are trapped in a warehouse as they try to figure out who among them is a giant rodent.-Reservior Dogs
2. A man is in disbelief as an ex-girlfriend shows up and he forces a piano player to play a song.-Casablanca
3. A unpopular kid comes across a special bug, who helps him gain popularity.-Spider-man.
4. A writer and his family move into a giant empty house for the winter where both father and son habor deep dark secrets.-The Shining
5. Based on a true story, a man who has never won a fight must win a fight.-Rocky
6. After the drowning of her son, a mother seeks revenge.-Friday the 13th.
7. A truck driver must put aside his personal beliefs and fight ancient mystical beings in a certain part of town.-Big Trouble in Little China
8. A man with amnesia must remember who he is and find out who killed his wife.-Memento
9. After the death of his parents, a man decides to take the law into his own hands.-Batman/Batman Begins
10. A group of aliens comes to Earth and mess things up.-Basically any evil alien movie. Like "Independence Day", "Mars Attack", "Battle: Los Angeles", and yes Nick "Battlefield Earth".

So that was fun, huh? Yep.

Later!
-Jason

Let's Play A Game

2011-08-24T11:29:00.003-04:00

Strolling through Netflix the other night, I was reading up on some movies and came across some that I've seen. While my mouse hovered over the title, the description of the movie came up and I was blown away at how wrong, or obscure, it was. It makes me wonder who exactly writes this shit and if anybody can do it. So just for shits and giggles, let's play a quick game. Below are ten movie descriptions that you MIGHT find on Netflix. Can you guess what they are?
(Note: These really aren't on Netflix, I made all these up. But they might as well be.)

1. A group of men are trapped in a warehouse as they try to figure out who among them is a giant rodent.
2. A man is in disbelief as an ex-girlfriend shows up and he forces a piano player to play a song.
3. A unpopular kid comes across a special bug, who helps him gain popularity.
4. A writer and his family move into a giant empty house for the winter where both father and son habor deep dark secrets.
5. Based on a true story, a man who has never won a fight must win a fight.
6. After the drowning of her son, a mother seeks revenge.
7. A truck driver must put aside his personal beliefs and fight ancient mystical beings in a certain part of town.
8. A man with amnesia must remember who he is and find out who killed his wife.
9. After the death of his parents, a man decides to take the law into his own hands.
10. A group of aliens comes to Earth and mess things up.

This won't be a regular thing, this is just a one time fun thing to do.
-Jason

YOU Make The Call!

2011-08-23T21:11:00.003-04:00

To anyone who isn't a LAMB, you probably don't know about this major controversy that's been going around since late 2009 or so. Even if you're a LAMB, probably only a few of you know about this. It's a subject that when anyone involved hears about, they immediately groan and wait for the flame war to die out. What, pray tell, am I talking about?

Is "28 Days Later" a zombie film?

Pretty much is split between Nick Jobe, who says it's NOT a zombie film and on the other side is...everyone else. I feel bad for Nick because I know what its like trying to fight your point and having a gang of people team up and tell you that you're wrong and you suck and you should go to hell. (Reference: Jason Soto v Everyone Who Doesn't Get That Most Comedy Sequels Are Always Gonna Be Like The First Film.)

I have been asked a couple of times what do I think about this subject matter and my answer tends to piss people off: I don't know, but it is a post-apocalyptic film. Since both sides of this heated debate don't seem to know where I'm coming from, here's why I can't make up my mind.

Why It Could Be Considered A Zombie Film:
If you look back to the early films that started this whole zombie craze, mainly "Night of the Living Dead", you have a core group of people holed up somewhere while stumbling beings are outside trying to attack/eat you. Every zombie film since "Night" has followed this. Including "28 Days Later". The difference is the core group of people are constantly moving, and the stumbling beings run 200 MPH.

And what happens when one of those beings attack you? You become one of them. Much like zombies. Now Nick, before you hire hackers to take my website and turn it into a German Fetish site, let's look at:

Why It Could NOT Be Considered A Zombie Film:
Zombie, by definition, is a being who was DEAD, then came to life. The beings in "28 Days Later" have not died at any point. They get infected by, I forget, tainted ~~love~~ blood? By some monkies? Sometime like that. Then they bite each other, infecting each other and so on and so on. You COULD argue that there is no cure to this and you shoot them (in the head) to kill them. I agree with that. But if you don't get bitten, you're ok.

Now, I never seen "28 Weeks Later" so maybe some of this is explained. I do know there is a cure at some point, then of course some fucking stupid kid fucks it up. Ugh, I hate kids in movies. But the important part is, the people are never dead, just really angry to the point they aren't human anymore. Does that make someone a zombie? I don't think so.

What I DO know is, after the monkey bites whoever and that whoever bites whoever and so on and so on and so on, 28 Days Later, the world (or at least England) is one giant shithole. So therefore, it is a post apocalyptic film. I dunno how "28 Weeks Later" handles this. Are they like "Well everybody, things are ok now? Go back to work and your lives and...what not? Tally-ho! Cheers! God Save The Queen!" So this kinda throw a wrench into my theroy but really, I don't have much go on here.

So now, dear reader, I throw it to you. What do you think "28 Days Later" is? A zombie or not-zombie film? Can you at the VERY least agree it's a post-apocalyptic film? Sure it's no "Road Warrior" with a spikey guy yelling "JUST TURN BACK RIGHT NOW!! THIS GAS IS MINE!!!" but still.

As for me? I stand by what I said. I don't really know. If it is a zombie film, it's an interesting change into the zombie genre. And it's 200 times better than "Survival of the Dead". Fuck THAT movie.
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #20 & Horror Thursday: The Burning

2011-08-18T12:55:00.002-04:00

We've really went "Over The Top" with this episode! Jason and Nolahn welcome their resident '80s expert Dylan Fields of Man, I Love Films to talk about all things '80's, including our two films "Over The Top" with Sylvester Stallone and ROBERT LOGGIA!, and "The Gate" with a young Stephen Dorff.

Before that, we talk about our own projects happening our sites, and discuss what we miss most about the 1980's. And stay tuned to the end of the episode because Jason announces who won our contest of which movies do we do in October! And there's some slight controversy too!

Email us at thelairunwanted@gmail.com or check us out on Facebook facebook.com/thelairoftheunwanted

ALSO! It's Thursday! So check out my review of "The Burning" over at Man, I Love Films!
-Jason

Teaser Trailer: Invasion of the B Movies TV

2011-08-15T16:34:00.000-04:00

I FOUND THE GREATEST THING EVER!!!

2011-08-10T13:34:00.003-04:00

Unfortuntely there's no trailer for it. And it's EXTREMELY hard to find. And it's not on official DVD. And it's on Amazon on VHS...for $25. So...why is this the greatest thing ever?

Let's hop in my bath tub time machine and go back to yesterday. I watched a little film called "Dreamanic" and it was the worst best thing I ever seen...besides the fucking ending. I forgot to mention in my review that it was directed by a guy named David DeCoteau. This name sounded very familar to me but I moved on with my life.

Ok, now we're back to the present. Very recently, I shown some friends of mine a movie called "Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2" starring the greatest actor ever, Eric Freeman.

Who DOESN'T wanna watch a movie starring this guy?!

So I got to thinking: What OTHER movies has Mr. Freeman been in? I think it's time I find out. So looking at his IMDb page, I find...he hasn't done much. I am a sad panda. But...let's look into the few movies he has done. Clicking on a 1989 film called "Murder Weapon"...

HOLY FUCKING SHIT DAVID DECOTEAU DIRECTED IT! And it stars everyone's favorite actress Linnea Quigley! ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!

The guy who made "Dreamaniac" DIRECTED the guy from "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2" along with Linnea "I Love Getting Naked In Every Movie" Quigley?! This is like...my dream movie!!

And I can't find a trailer. There are scenes from the movie on Youtube, you think I'm gonna watch those? FUCK NO!!! So now I have to go through nefarious means to find this movie.

While I'm on the subject, it turns out this David DeCoteau directed a SHIT TON of movies I've seen and heard of. Including a bunch of homoerotic films called "The Brotherhood" and "Voodoo Academy". Holy shit, I hit the B-Movie payload.

So while I work on "getting" "Murder Weapon", just sit tight. A review will be forthcoming. Will it live up to my expectations? Probably not. But fuck it, this is fun nonetheless!
-Jason

B-Movie Meatloaf: Dreamaniac

2011-08-09T17:00:00.004-04:00

Since I joined this B-Movie Meatloaf thing over at StrictlySplatter.com, I learned a lot of things. I learned all about how The Asylum works. I learned that most direct-to-video sequels aren't always all bad. And this month, I learned about the sub-genre "shot on video horror". When this request came in, I said to myself "So...like The Blair Witch Project?" Turns out...not quite.

From what I gather on Wikipedia, they're movies specially made for VHS back in the day. It was pretty cheap to produce. And if this movie is any judge, I say they needed to save as much money as possible. Speaking of this movie, here's "Dreamaniac".

First off, I was hoping someone in the movie would say the title so I know how exactly it's said. I'm sure it's "dream maniac" but since the two words share on the one "m" it looks like "dream-aniac". I dunno, the title doesn't make much sense anyway so fuck it.

Ok so the movie starts off with-

No wait. I need to backtrack already. I can't just jump into the movie because the movie doesn't even jump into the movie. The opening credits, I'm not shitting you, last THREE AND A HALF MINUTE! I counted! It took 2 minutes to do all the fucking people IN the movie, then we get the directors credit finally and now the movie can start.

Ok so the movie starts off with naked man ass. Boy, that was worth the wait. A guy walks down a hallway naked into the bathroom where he finds a naked chick in a bathtub full of blood. They meet and start making out. But that's just a dream.

The guy wakes up and he looks like Justin Long's older pothead brother. He's Adam. He's...house sitting? I think? In a house. He's into heavy metal (this movie's version of heavy metal is the "METAL" button on the Casio) and I guess witch craft. I didn't get the witch craft thing until the end of the movie.

So Adam has a girlfriend named Pat. She comes over and they have sex. Wow a sex scene 5 minutes into the movie. What is this, "The Room"? YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, PAT! I guess she just came over for sex cause she immediately leaves. She does remind Adam about a party that's happening tomorrow night.

But on THIS night, he reads some weird passage out of a book and soon starts hearing noises in the attic. There, he finds the girl he dreamt about earlier and he freaks out. He thinks he's dreaming again, so he burns himself to wake himself up. Actually, I think the actor accidently burnt himself and the filmmakers just went with it.

The chick shows up in the room and proceeds to give Adam a blowjob. Wow. But things take a turn for the worse when she bites his dick off. I guess THIS ends up being a dream cause it goes to the next day and Pat and her sister Lori show up to set up for the party.

I have to point out this line of dialouge. It'll give you a great example on what this movie's like. So the sisters are talking and Pat wants to know why Lori is joining some sorority. Lori goes "The same reason why you got a tattoo of a taco". And then the scene ends.

WHY DOES SHE HAVE A TATTOO OF A TACO?! You bought it up, movie!!

Anyway, Pat wakes Adam up, who isn't feeling that good. He doesn't want to have the party but I guess he's getting paid...to have the party? It wasn't explained very well. Slowly, the other people show up and if you imagine what a typical preppy person from the '80s looked like, that's who all showed up for this party.

I only got a few of their names. The biggest bitch was named Francis and she use to date Lori's boyfriend Brad. Francis makes sure to remind Lori of this fact every chance she gets. Then one random dude shows up with a chick...it's the chick from Adam's dream!! Adam freaks out and runs upstairs. Here, the chick calls herself Lily. I want to point out that Lily looks kinda like a '80s version of Kesha (Yeah, I didn't do the stupid $ thing). This place is about to blow indeed.

Lily finds Adam and tells him she's his now. Pat finds them together and gets pissed. Francis and Brad sneak off to have sex. Oh this is hilarious. They made it a point to show Brad getting completely naked in the bed. Then it cuts to them in bed, fucking, and you can see through the sheets Brad wearing these white briefs. Nice.

Ok, so now you're wondering what the fuck is going on and what the point of all this is? I was asking myself the same thing. We get our first kill at the 35 minute mark when a Valley Girl, like, TOTALLY, gets stabbed. Gross. They didn't show the killer, so I think they wanted us to think "OMG! Who could the killer be?! I'm sure it won't be Adam!" But only a SMART horror movie would that.

The next kill we see Lily doing it. And this scene was hilarious. She made a guy take all this clothes off besides his tightie whities and then started tying him up. But she had him hold the one end while tying him, so pretty much all he had to do was let go and the whole thing would fall apart. Whatever. She plugs something in and he's electrocuted. And this causes the power to go out.

Lori gets sick and runs to find a bathroom. She instead runs into Francis and Brad in bed. I said "DO IT!! DO IT!!!" and sure enough, she threw up all over them. YES!!! I'm fucking digging this movie, despite it being fucking terrible.

Ok, so a few people are getting killed. Lily finds Brad and proceeds to blow him. Adam walks in on this and just stands there. Lily bits Brad's dick off (I guess that's her "thing") and Pat walks in on this and freaks out. She figures out something is up with Adam and Lily and wants out.

There's a guy who I'm sure is gay and he's the comic relief. He ends up taking care of Lori while Pat runs around, trying to figure out what to do. Oh, then out of nowhere: FUCKING ZOMBIES! The tightie-whitie guy shows up and attacks Pat. Francis finds Adam and starts making out with him, but he slits her throat. Then SHE comes back to life. And Pat simply puts a pillow over her mouth. Uh, you can't suffocate a fucking zombie!

Now it's down to gay dude-oh wait he's now dead-ok it's down to Lori and Pat. The gay dude read two sentences in a book and before he died told Pat that Lily is a succubus aka a female demon that preys on men, mainly in their sleep. Ah, so that's what's going on. Thanks gay dude!

The only way to kill the succubus is to rip thier head off or stab them in the heart with a stake. Uh, they're not vampires. Whatever. So Pat and Lily attack Adam with...a steel drill? Ok sure. He then goes into acting overload as he runs around the house going "NO!! WHY?!?! AHHH!!!" *spit blood* "WHY?!?! AHHHH!!" *spit blood* Dude! Why you spitting so much blood?!

Anyway, Pat runs the drill through Adam's neck until it's removed from his body. Sure, why not? Now it's time for Lily. She's about to attack Lori when....some random dude who never introduces himself walks into the house, tells Lily to stop and apologize like she just peed on their rug, and simply leave.

....

.......

.............

FUCKING WHAT?!?!?!?!?!!?! FUCK!!! WHAT?!?!??!?!?!

OH! OH!! Check THIS SHIT OUT!!!!

EVERYTHING I just told you....WAS PART OF A NOVEL ADAM WAS WRITING!!!! I am NOT fucking with you! This was a novel! He finishes writing, calls....fucking somebody, and tells him "HEY! I'm done with my pulp novel!" NO!! That's not a pulp novel!! It's a horror novel!! You motherfucking asshole!! I hope some random chick shows up at your door and stabs you for no reason...oh wait, that DOES HAPPEN!!!

Ok. I want to like this movie. I like it despite it being motherfucking terrible. Then the ending hits. I mean I've seen some bad movies in my day, but this is the most lazy thing I ever seen. "UH...how can we end this movie?!" "I know, let's make her NOT a succubus, even though we have all that set up already!" "NO! Let's make the whole thing a NOVEL!!" "HEY!!! LET'S DO BOTH!!!!" "YEAH!!! Now pass the cocaine!!"

So how do I rate this? I'm gonna have to give it a middle grade. Here's my recommendation: watch this with a bunch of people and make fun of it. But do it during a movie night with 3 or 4 other movies. Have LOTS of booze available. And make this the 3rd or 4th movie. You need to be somewhat hammered to watch this movie otherwise "y'all" (Thanks NICK!) will murder each other. Awesome? AWESOME!

-Jason

Hell Night

2011-08-02T17:55:00.004-04:00

The theme for this month's "Lair of the Unwanted" is "celebrating the '80s", so I decided to embrace that for every movie I watch this month. Looking around on Netflix for a film to review for "Man, I Love Films" I decided to see what 1980's film I can do and I stumbled upon "Hell Night", which stars Linda Blair, her tits, and Vincent Van Patten.

Between "The Exorcist" and "Exorcist 2" Linda Blair developed quite nicely. Sadly, I don't mean her acting. Her acting in "Exorcist 2" and in "Hell Night" leave much to be desired. I'm not even sure why she's in this film. I guess they needed a big name for this shitty movie and Linnea Quigley wasn't available.

(Side note: Can you believe there are GUYS, and yes I mean MALES, who HAVE NO IDEA who Linnea Quigley is?! I mean...how is that even possible? It's borderline child abuse in a way.)

Anyway, "Hell Night".

Things start off at a college party and a fratnerity. I'm not too up on my Greek Alphabet but it doesn't really matter. It's "Hell Night", which means anyone pledging the fraternity has to go through some form of initiation. As we tackled on a previous episode of "The Lair", most hell nights last a week. But here, this is only for one night.

We meet Linda Blair's character (I forget her name) and she's not really interested in joining the sorority but is being dragged along by her friend Denise who sometimes remembers to speak in a Foreign accent. The two dudes being initiated are Seth (Vince Van Patten, who learned how to talk since the 1970's) and Jeff.

So here's the set up, which is painfully set up cause it takes 20 fucking minutes (bet I can do it in 2):
A rich family lived in a super fancy house outside of town. The wife gave birth to four kids who all have some genetic problems. The dad is sick of his freak family and decides to kill them all, then himself. But Dad forgot to kill a kid so he's left alive and went missing. Supposedly, he's roaming the deserted house after all these years.

Guess where the bulk of this movie takes place at?!?! BINGO!

Our four pledges are locked in the house and have to spend the night there without attempting to leave. The four just kinda shrug their shoulders and split up. Seth and Denise go upstairs and start fucking while Jeff and Linda Blair don't. The head of the fraternity sneaks back with a geeky guy and some chick to play some pranks on the pledges which involves the Halloween mix tape you play on your front yard, dummies made up like dead guys, and fake masks. It's all really stupid.

And it's here that things SLOOOOWW the fuck down. Linda Blair and Jeff talk, A LOT, while Seth and Denise talk and fuck, A LOT, and the people outside sneak around, A LOT. Randomly, at the 27 minute mark, a whithered hand reaches up from the ground, killing the chick. The geeky guy 10 minutes later climbs up the roof and gets his neck broken.

Then there's this scene, which raises several questions. Denise gets up and starts messing around with stuff in the bedroom. At this point, we've seen everyone pretty much go to bed. Denise looks in the mirror and as one of the tricks, the head of the fraternity is wearing a mask to scare her and shows up in the mirror. Denise sees this and thinks nothing of it and goes back to bed.

So questions:
1. What if she never woke up? Would this asshole just be standing there all night, going "come on, look in the mirror! COME ON!!!"
2. Who the hell sees a guy in a horrible mask and doesn't have some sort of reaction to it?
3. What country is she suppose to be from because at this point she forgot to put on her accent!

Things slightly speed up when the head of the fratnerity is chased around the house by the last deformed family kid until he finally dies. Seth wakes up to go to the bathroom when Denise is killed. Seth finds her body and freaks out and decides to high tail it out of there.

There's a long drawn out scene where he climbs over a fence but he makes it to the other side. He runs into town for help. Meanwhile, Jeff and Linda Blair are left on their own.

There is a pretty creepy scene where Jeff and Linda Blair are chillin' in a room and the camera doesn't focus on this but you see it happen. The rug in the middle of the room slowly starts rising up, taking the form of a man. The rug then starts slowly (I do mean slowly) heading towards them until Linda Blair is told by the director to look that way and scream.

So let's talk about Linda Blair's tits for a moment. Depending on the scene, she shows a lot of clevage or doesn't show anything at all. Like, when she's just talking or chillin' she's all covered up like so:

But when she's scared or screaming she's showing her clevage like so:

And it goes on like that. One scene, you almost see her nipples, it was crazy.

Anyway.

Seth makes it to the police station but because he's a damned kid, they don't believe him. He then breaks into a gun locker, steals a gun, and climbs out a window. Man, who knew stealing from the police was so easy? While Seth is in a stealing mood, he steals a car, tells the owner to call the police and send them to the house, and he takes off.

Meanwhile, Jeff and Linda Blair are running around the house when they find the deformed kids hiding place. And let me tell you this scene went on FOR FUCKING EVER!! I swear I fell asleep for five minutes, woke up and they were still walking around, looking.

The deformed kid shows up, attacks but doesn't cause any harm and they lock themselves in another room. Seth returns and when he gets to the house, the kid attacks and I swear the kid looks like a fucking werewolf. I thought that's what was happening but nope, it's not. Seth shoots the kid until he's dead. I went "YAY!!" cause now this boring movie can end.

But no. This movie wasn't annoying enough. It had to do something that didn't make any god damn sense. THERE'S ANOTHER DEFORMED KID!!! Where the FUCK did he come from?!?! The frat guy at the beginning clearly said all three kids were killed and one was left. Now, granted, maybe the kid fucked up his facts, but at least EXPLAIN when you show us the other kid. UGH!!

Anyway, the forgotten second kid attacks and kills Seth. He chases Jeff and Linda Blair around until they get to the roof. Jeff falls down and is killed. Linda Blair is left to act horribly by herself. By the way, the other kid? Totally looks and acts like Frankenstein. I fuckin' swear!

Linda Blair finds the key that opens the gate, opens it, and gets in the car and drives away when Frankenstein appears on the roof of the car. He punches through the window, which I guess distracts Linda Blair cause she forgets how to drive. Thankfully, she forgets how to drive right into the sharp gate that got destroyed in the process. So Frankenstein is dead and the movie simply ends.

Right, this was 1981, it wasn't a rule to have a twist ending in a horror movie yet. Anyway, this movie fuckin' sucked and was boring as hell. I was going to post this for my Thursday review but I think I need to do something a bit more mainstream for those guys. So this review can sit right here, where it belongs.

And the rating I'm giving it is only because of the creepy scene with the rug and, of course, Linda Blair's tits.

-Jason

I Also Have Adventures When I Leave The House

2011-08-02T14:29:00.003-04:00

My friend and podcasting partner Nolahn does a thing on his blog called "Adventures in Leaving The House", where he talks about the various things he doesn't when he's not home. In the past, these things included going to a tropical paradise and seeing some cool movies. My adventures when I do leave the house are a little...different.

Today when I left to go get some lunch, the following two things happened to me:

1. I saw a sign posted at a bus stop near my house. Curious, I went to check it out and I saw the following sign:

Yes, I took the sign down. Me being the guy that spends most of his day on the Interwebz, I'm familar with Anonymous and that whole "movement" they got going on. And you know what? Good for them. I just never expected to see this here in my boring ass state. Usually the target for these things are big cities like New York and L.A. The only thing we got going on here is the Super Bowl will be here in January and the roller derby Regionals is gonna be here in October. I doubt those are things Anonymous are very interested in. So Anonymous, if you're reading this (I'm sure you are after Googling yourselves) you can do whatever it is you want to do only if you can do it at a certain building that may or may not sound like the name of the place I work at. Deal? Deal.

2. When I got to where I was having lunch, a whole bunch of blind people came in. Wearing baseball jerseys. I was like "...ok?" And after looking at their logo, I came home and Googled it and apparently the National Beep Baseball Association is in town this week for their World Series! Wow! So what is National Beep Baseball? It's like baseball for blind people. I was wondering how this worked out and after reading their official website, it makes a lot of sense. So that's cool.

Hmm...I wonder if there's some correlation to the two events...
-Jason

Catching Up With Jason and Invasion of the B-Movies

2011-08-01T21:08:00.002-04:00

Wow! July, huh? Man...what a busy month! Boy howdy. And now look! It's August! Which means here in Indianapolis it'll be 2 degrees and 80 feet of snow any minute now! Boy, can't wait!

I've been awfully quiet this past month and I figure I owe you all an explaination on what I been doing exactly. So here is everything I been doing since July 1st:

-Getting pissed off at Netflix and trying to figure out the future of the website.
-Working on a top secret project with a fellow LAMB.
-Watching mediocre comedies, like "Hall Pass". Ok, "Hall Pass" would've been better if it did more. It was like...something was missing the entire time but I couldn't place what. I also think I might've watched the "rated" version. I get the feeling the "unrated" version might be better. Also, it seems like they didn't know what to do with Owen Wilson's character. He's either a typical horn ball guy or a sensitive guy who's only been with one woman his entire life. Make up your mind!! Anyway...mediocre comedies.
-On the 4th, I watched a ton of fireworks from the parking lot of a hospital. Long story.
-Decided to take up pottery, but turns out Demi Moore was busy.
-Had a conversation with Charlie Sheen. That took up half a month.
-Made the mistake of walking past an airport and saying the words "bomb". I had to explain to the F.B.I I was only talking about the "Transformers" movies.
-Trying to memorize ALL the lyrics to "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air". Ok here we go:
"Now this is the story all about how my life got flipped turned....ummm...." Goddamn it!!
-Trying to get M&M's to melt in my hands.
-Watching every season of "All My Children" before the big series finale. Man, it was CRRRRRAZY in Season 87 when Erica was....oh I shouldn't spoilt it.
-Finding out who the fuck Delroy Lindo is.
-Catching up on Cate Blanchette films. Yeah......
-Trying to find money to donate to the goverment. I found $15.98. That should help!
-Figuring out what the fuck "dougie" is.
-Filling out paperwork to get my face blurred when that episode of "Cops" airs.

So that's about it. Hopefully, August won't be as crazy. Plus it marks the 6th year anniversary of The Site! Yay!
-Jason

Behind The Scenes at Invasion of the B-Movies!

2011-07-29T00:38:00.002-04:00

To celebrate the 6 year anniversary of Invasion of the B Movies, I made this Behind The Scenes video showing you the entire process I go through when I review a movie. It was a lot of fun making this video, and I cut a lot of boring stuff that I felt wasn't really important after all.

And stay tuned for more new stuff to pop up on The Site!
-Jason

I'm Excited!

2011-07-26T11:06:00.003-04:00

If you're tired of hearing me talk about "Paranormal Activity" well too bad cause I'm gonna talk about it!

I remember when the first movie was released. It was 2009. September of that year, we went on Vacation to L.A and while somewhere (I forget) we saw these passes for a "Special Screening of a new horror film" and they needed an audience to view it. Unfortunately, it was the night before we were due to fly out at 6AM or something so we couldn't go.

Turns out this viewing was used in the official trailer for "Paranormal Activity". Damn.

Last year, "Paranormal Activity 2" came out and we were there opening night. Everyone knows by now the horrible story of us watching the first film in theater. This time, the experience wasn't as bad because everybody was interested in what was happening on screen. Even though I saw a lot of mistakes in the film, which I won't point out cause I'm not that much of a nitpicker.

Now here we are, 2011 and we got the third film in the series. I knew based on the ending of Part 2 there was going to be a part 3 but I wasn't sure what was going to happen. Well, if you haven't already, here's the trailer. Watch it and there'll be a test on it.

So based off the trailer, we know it's a prequel, which (SPOILER ALERT!) is funny cause Part 2 was more or less a prequel. So a prequel to a prequel. Interesting. I like how they focus on what happened to them when they were kids. And it was 1988, when home video cameras were new, costed $3000, and weighed 90 pounds. So this should be interesting.

I will be there opening weekend (night if I can manage it) and hope there isn't any douchebags around to ruin it. You know, two years ago, I wouldn't have ever figured out that this would be a popular series, considering how much people seemed to hate the first film. Me? I was pretty creeped out by the whole thing. Plus the chick that played Katie was hot. So yeah...

Anyway, my last question is where do you think it'll go for here? I mean, we could get like 1960's Zappurder-like video but since those cameras had no sound, I wouldn't know how that'd work. Maybe old drawings of this demon in a book? I dunno. I guess we'll see.

For now, I'm curious about something. What happens if I hold up a mirror to the above trailer during the "Bloody Mary" part? Hm...let's find out!

Ok, nothing yet. Nothing yet. Noth

The Soto List: TOO SOON! Edition

2011-07-24T11:47:00.003-04:00

Apparently, there are all sorts of things that, right after they happen, isn't really nice to make fun of. An example I can think of is just yesterday, when it was revealed that Amy Winehouse died, I saw at least two jokes about "going to Rehab" or "I guess her house shouldn't have had wine" or whatever. But what about movies taking these tragedies and maybe being slightly dissrespectful? Here are some examples:

30 Minutes or Less

The Movie: From what I got from the trailer, it's about a guy (Jesse Eisenberg) who's a pizza delievery guy and he ends up going to a house, kidnapped by some guys (Danny McBride and Nick Swordson) and they tell him he has to rob a bank or else they'll blow him up. Hilarity ensues.

The True Story: This really happened, except it wasn't funny. A real pizza delievery guy was kidnapped, then some hours later showed up at a bank, attempted to rob it, but was arrested by cops. When they discovered the bomb, they tried to get it off except...they didn't in time. Yeah...

Ok, I still plan on seeing the movie but when I first saw the trailer I said to myself "Really?" I'm still waiting for any pending lawsuits to appear.

Elephant

The Movie: A super detailed look into the lives of a bunch of students at a school, which becomes the scene of a school shooting. I want to like this movie for a few things it had the balls to include, but I also find myself super bored with it.

The True Story: Columbine. I probably don't need to say anything more. I dunno if the real Columbine shooters had sex with each other prior to the shootings, which is just kind of an odd thing to include.

Remember Me

The Movie: I...don't know. Robert Pattinson is in it. So is Claire from "Lost". There's a scene where they shower together. But why am I mentioning it?

The True Story: 9/11. Now, there are PLENTY of 9/11 related films, like Uwe Boll's "Postal". But I feel "Postal" was done on purpose to piss people off. This is really, really fucking retarded.

Ok so for real, I guess Edward there is in love with Claire and either they break up or thinking about breaking up. He's at work, thinking about shit. The day he's at work? September 11th, 2001. And he works in one of the Twin Towers. Oops. I mean, who would've guessed THAT would've happened in a movie like that! That's like watching "The Notebook" and finding out the ending takes place during Hurricane Katrina or something. It's just so out of place.

Paul McCartney Really Is Dead: The Last Testament of George Harrison

The Movie: Ok, you ready for this shit? Paul McCartney has been dead FOR YEARS! The Paul McCartney we all know and love is a IMPERSONATOR! Set up by the British government! And the other Beatles went along with this! And John Lennon wanted to tell the world but couldn't, so he put in ALL SORTS of clues on every Beatles album. Whoa!

The True Story: George Harrison's death. Released sometime after his death, this doctumentary has the nerve to say that right before George Harrison died, he recorded a last will and testement stating that he's been carrying a secret for years and now he's gonna reveal the secret. The film plays the "real" recordings with the "real" George Harrison telling us how it was done.

Ok, this movie is so full of shit that as I was watching it, flies began covering my TV. The guy doing the voice of George Harrison was not believable, and all the stuff mentioned in this film is so fucking retarded I have to think this was all a joke. You want an example?

Ok so, Paul died in a car accident sometime in the '60's. He was giving a ride to some girl when he died. The girl survived, but was sequestered by the British government and forced into hiding. She lost a leg in the accident. YEARS later, the girl wanted to reconnect with the guy who is now "playing" Paul. Her name? Heather Mills. I am not fucking with you, they mention that in this movie. I'm not the biggest die hard Beatles fan in the world, but I felt insulted by this movie.

Ok, I can't think of anything that'll top that, so I'll stop there for now. I'm sure there are more, and there's going to be more (how about Godzilla caused the Tsumani and Earthquake in Japan??). Some people, huh?
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #19: America Kicks Ass 2: Ass-Kicker!

2011-07-21T14:38:00.001-04:00

Jason and Nolahn take on two more American (sort of) kicking ass movies! The Jean-Claude Van Damme/Dennis Rodman pairing of "Double Team", then the gymnast enthused film "Gymkata"!

Before that though, Jason talks about winning a LAMMY award three years in a row, Nolahn talks about his B-Movie Bonanaza, and then they Come Clean by revealing who they would pick to represent America in a Commie-Ass Kicking fight! Jason's answers are a bit...controversal.

And this is the last chance to enter in the "Pick The Theme For October" contest. Send all entries, and any hate mail for Jason, to thelairunwanted@gmail.com.

Under Siege review
Under Siege 2 review
-Jason

The Troll 2 Drinking Game

2011-07-20T14:39:00.001-04:00

In a couple of weeks, at my house, I'm having a little get together with some friends and we're gonna watch "Troll 2". I said in the invite that we're gonna play a small variation of a Troll 2 Drinking Game, that I'm making up now. We're only gonna do a few cause I don't want everyone to be completely wasted and I only have so much room for people to sleep over. Before I get to it, my lawyer as advised me to include the following disclaimer:

Please drink at your own discretion. You do not have to drink alcohol to do this drinking game. Any beverage of your choice will work. Do not play this game with alcohol and drive home or do anything stupid. I do not want to be sued because I have no money. This is only for fun.

There, I think I'm covered. Next, if you are going to drink alcohol, what type should you drink? I asked my resident booze expert Adam and this is whathe said:
"The ones I can think of are Cream de menthe, apple schnapps, and green Chartreuse (as opposed to yellow). And there's absinthe, but that's expensive and you need an absinthe spoon and other stuff. Your best bet is to probably google Halloween drinks or St. Patrick Day drinks and see what's in your budget. There's always beer & green food coloring, but you'd have to use a light colored beer."

So there you go. Now that you got your beverage of choice, let's play The Troll 2 Drinking Game!

Take a drink whenever

-the main kid Joshua says "Grandpa", "Grandpa Seth" or any variation of Grandpa.
-someone mentions Nilbog.
-something that's happening on screen is confusing to you, and doesn't relate to anything that happened or will happen.
-something green appears.
-you see the troll/goblins in their real form.
-there's any gay overtones.
-it appears the actors are struggling with their lines.
-there's any mention of meat.
-Grandpa gets Josh in some sort of trouble.
and finally, finish whatever you're drinking if you understand ANYTHING that happening in this movie.

So there's the Troll 2 Drinking Game. Remember to play responsibly and have fun!
-Jason

New Review: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory

2011-07-15T10:40:00.003-04:00

This week, me and Nolahn take a look at the sequel.

Under Siege 2: Dark Territory

You won't believe who's in this film!
-Jason

What's A Soto To Do?!?

2011-07-14T00:19:00.002-04:00

As I'm sure everybody heard by now, Netflix is changing their subscription packages. Last month, I changed mine to one DVD and unlimited streaming, which was probably a mistake cause now I'm a week behind on the Lair, but that's my own damn fault. But now with their new package, if I keep the one DVD and unlmited streaming, I'll have to pay 16 bucks a month...oh and in case you didn't know Netflix charges TAX so it's more like 17 bucks.

That sucks.

So I'll probably just keep the $9.99 route and go with one or the other. Here's the thing: 90% of the movies reviewed on The Site I get from Netflix. And since I can't get screen grabs from the Netflix Instant Watch...something has to give.

Sure, I could just give up the streaming and get 1 DVD...but we just spent a small amount of money to set up the living room TV to watch the streaming on Netflix. I hate to just give that up so quickly. I'm not 100% sure what I'm gonna do yet but I'm leaning towards stop doing reviews on The Site, only do them on The Blog and keep The Site around to house The Lair, the older reviews, and maybe once in awhile do a "Date My Mom" or whatever.

I know there are other things I could do, like buy the movies I intend to review, go to Redbox, or go to a still open video store. Here's my cons on those options:
1. Too expensive
2. Redbox fucking sucks.
3. The closest open video store is like 25 minutes from me.

Again, I dunno what I'm gonna do. I have until September to figure this shit out. In the meantime, I'll try to roll out as much as I can.

Speaking of, my new Horror Thursday is up. I reviewed "The Signal". Check it, yo!
-Jason

Look At Me: Being All Influential!

2011-07-08T15:22:00.003-04:00

I'm sure this will apply to somebody here.

From a press release:

[They] will be doing a live Q&A with Insidious director James Wan and writer Leigh Whannell on July 11th around 9pm PST / Midnight EST, which will be live-streamed directly to our Insidious Facebook Page.

Also, we are ONLY sharing this news via blogs and online media outlets: If you tune in to the Q&A on our Insidious Facebook Page and leave a comment on the Ustream tab using #InsidiousLIVE, then you will be instantly entered for a chance to win a free DVD copy of Insidious.

Additionally, as a respected influencer of the film community, we would love to ask if there were any questions that you or your readership specifically wanted to ask James and Leigh. We could fast-track them and make sure our moderator calls out your site during the Q&A. Please let me know if this would be of interest.

Ooh! i'm a respected influencer of the film community! Alright!! I guess it took me winning THREE awards to achieve that! But anyway, if anyone seen "Insidious" and has any questions for the guys who made it, leave them as a comment or email me at invasionofthebmovies@gmail.com and I'll pass them along.

I haven't had the chance yet, but I do want to see it.
-Jason

New Review: Under Siege

2011-07-08T07:07:00.002-04:00

Maria and I, in a two week event, took on Steven Seagal at his best.

Under Siege

And Gary Busey at his least craziest. Seriously.
-Jason

Horror Thursday: House (1977)

2011-06-30T09:13:00.001-04:00

This week, I look at the weirdest thing to come out of Japan.

House

And that's saying a lot.

Enjoy!
-Jason

Inflated

2011-06-28T21:39:00.003-04:00

(Note: This is going to be a strange one. And unless I miss my guess, the last review I have to transfer over. Yay! Also in a historical note, this is one of the first reviews I posted on The Site.)

Yes, you have read the title right. Blow-Up Doll Films. I didn't know what to expect when my friend Adam lent this to me. But I'll never be the same again. And Adam also told me that this DVD is really rare, so don't even email me asking "I want a copy!" or "Where can I get it?" Just live vicariously through this review.

The DVD is really a compilation of short films by two people out of L.A Steve Hall and Cathee Wilkins. They basically just bought a shitload of blowup dolls, got their home video recorder and rubbed two dolls on top of each other. But there is oh so much more to it than that.

Two of the films don't have any sex in them at all. Well, there is some sex, but it's no different than sex you find in a R-Rated movie. The first one I saw, however, was basically just about sex. Titled "Scout's Honor", it shows Candy in bed with her boyfriend Duane and she tells him she had lots of sex. We then get several flashbacks to her getting it on with her doctor and then, well...yeah.

Next up is "Deep Africa". Summer believes in aliens and wants her very own. Candy spots an ad in a paper stating this dude named The Hunter can get you your very own alien. So they call The Hunter up and he says you get the alien if you send in naked pictures. So they do and he sends them an "alien".

Summer teaches the "alien" to clean the house, but the alien wants to "phone home". Then we get a good 20 minutes of alien abuse as Summer and Candy basically beat the alien for doing various things ranging from snorting all the cocaine to eating Candy's dildo. They decide to let Kishan give him a tattoo and he gets a wicked eagle on his chest. Then, while Summer is away at a photo shoot, the "alien" breaks out, cures Candy of her PMS and we a little alien-on-human action.

Yet again let me reinstate that this is basically people off camera rubbing the ET doll against the Candy doll. Candy ends up pregnant with the aliens child. The end?

Next up is "Tonight's The Night", which could nose "Deep Africa" out as the weirdest short film out of this whole bunch. Candy is a Satanist and Summer comes over to her house. Summer says she wants a baby but doesn't want to go through the trouble of finding a man. Candy says she can whip up some Satanic sperm and inject it in Summer and 24 hours later, baby! So Candy sacrifices a sheep (Yes a blow up doll sheep. I'd love to see the looks of these film makers as they left the store with this thing.) and makes the sperm and injects it into Summer. 24 hours later, we got...THE ANTICHRIST!! Mu-hahaha!

I shouldn't even describe the next three shorts in extreme detail. I'll just say they're very sex orientated and would be EXTREMELY disturbing if they were actual humans, not blow up dolls. The good thing about blow up dolls, I guess, is you can get away with anything.

If you can find this, I recommend being very drunk and/or stoned while watching it. And
this DVD is not for the faint of heart or people with no sense of humor. And you really
shouldn't take it seriously. I mean, if you did, you'd have some problems. And I shouldn't have to say this but this is only for adults. I know, it's only blow up dolls but trust me. It's only for adults. Unless you want your child to be Marilyn Manson when he or she grows up.

-Jason

Demons At The Door

2011-06-28T21:26:00.002-04:00

(Note: This was guest written by my friend Bill Szany.)

This movie makes "The Gingerdead Man" look like "Punch Drunk Love". After looking it up on IMDB though I realized why the acting was the way it was, all of the main actors have never done anything prior to this film. Sadly, I loved it though. Yes, it's bad, but it's actually intentionally bad. Some people may argue, but they would be mistaken, because it is very obvious that this movie is meant to be goofy, despite not selling itself as a "horror/comedy".

It might not be the funniest movie ever made, but it's definitely pretty darn goofy. I would place it in the same category as "Idle Hands" and the "House" series. I'm pretty sure the graphics are not intentionally bad though, yet they are bad. "Shrek" is CG, this is like it was made on a Tandy.

I also thought it seemed like the demon on the movie cover, and that's shown only as a image in the movie for a few seconds, looked exactly like Wishmaster. Well, after looking it up on IMDB I realised why it looks like Wishmaster. It's because it is The Wishmaster. The director was the special effects makeup artist for Wishmaster 3. So apparently he must have just taken a sample from that movie and put it on the screen of this movie for two seconds for no apparent reason

The movie starts off with a bang when a Middle Eastern guy (who was probably a biker in real life and is the most American person you'll ever see in this film) attacks these archeologists while they are dusting off a door. He screams "The slut must pay!!" and throws the girl on the ground, and he opens her shirt with a rather convenient ease, and her boobs are exposed. If that's not enough of a great intro, Castellano and Jackson appear with machine guns and the Middle Eastern guy shouts "Ahhhh, John Wayne come to save a Whore!!!"

Is it even worth mentioning the plot point now? I mean either you are going to rush out to buy it right away or you will avoid it at all costs because it's quite a unique gem of a movie. Basically the plot has been done a thousand times, it's not far off from any other film about the end of time, Armageddon, and biblical predictions come to life. Only these people are trapped right at the place where the Demons are entering Earth from Hell. The "Demons"are "at the door". Get it? Good.

About ten minutes into the film we meet Uriel, an Angel who is the protector of "The Eye of Satan", a gem and another plot device of the movie. After Uriel saves them from Demons, and then giving a really long speech explaining what's going on, Castellano throws a Quarter at Uriel's chest, and says "Here's thirty-five cents. Call somebody who will swallow this bullshit!"

This movie is comedy gold. The only major problem I had with it was when they started showing more demons and they made the noises unnecessarily loud and obnoxious. I will admit I needed to take a break from it for awhile and just go online, but when I came back to it I was surprised to see the comedy pick up big time out of nowhere and it just went from annoying to outrageously goofy mode in a heartbeat.

People may be offended by the blatant fowl language (which makes Andrew Dice Clay seem like Jimmy Stewart) but it's obviously part of the whole presentation, which I totally get. The demons talk so fowl because they are Demons from Hell, hence they probably would sound as fowl in real life, one would imagine.

There's some unbelievably racist comments too which would normally be offensive but not here. All the comments are about black people and Italians to piss off the soldiers. Despite five to ten minutes at least of annoying audio, I get the movie, and I think it's awful, but I love it.

Well the only reason I bought this movie (or rather begged my girlfriend on hands and knees to buy it for me in Blockbuster) was because in really big letters on the front cover it says "Featuring Music by The Insane Clown Posse". I got overjoyed by this and decided I must own it because I love ICP. After just watching the trailer for it, I was wondering what I got myself
into. Normally I stay as far from this type of movie as humanly possible, but after I realized how goofy it was I was fine with it and just enjoyed it for all that it is. If anyone questions me on the seriousness of the movie, hopefully the ending will change your mind.

The Lift

2011-06-28T20:36:00.001-04:00

Well, if you don't like elevators anyway, I wouldn't watch this movie. Me? Eh, I know how to survive if one starts crashing. You just fall to the floor and cry like a bitch until you die. What? That's not how you do it?

Four very annoying people get into an elevator and when it stops between floors, they nearly sufficate. Thinking something is wrong with this thing, the company send for Felix. He says there is nothing wrong with it and figures the annoying people were just too drunk.

Then more people die, including a blind dude who should've actually used his walking stick and a night watchman. When these things happen, Felix really thinks something is up. So he starts investigating...and we see every boring minute of it.

He teams up with a reporter who wants a little of the action and causes Felix's marriage to go ka-put! Mickey finds a professor who knows what's going on: apparently Mr. Chrome put in some computer chip into the elevator to make it more human...for some very strange reason. Well, the chip malfunctioned and is now killing anyone who gets on the damn thing. So it's up to Felix and Mickey to stop it! Well...no. Mr. Chrome comes out of nowhere and shoots the damn thing.

Yes, he shoots an elevator. Then the elevator, in one final act, hangs him. Mickey and Felix take the stairs all the way down to the ending credits.

Ok, this movie was 95 minutes long and I summed up this entire movie in 5 paragraphs. This goes to show you how friggin boring it was. It's an amusing idea but there's only so much you can do with a killer elevator. Oh and one final flaw in this movie: the dubbing was just horrible. It was so annoying I just wanted to pull the speakers out of my TV.

-Jason

House of Psychotic Women

2011-06-27T20:11:00.002-04:00

This movie is something else. Made and starring mostly Spanish people but set in France, which just makes for an interesting film.

Jill is walking around France looking for a job. When Claude picks him up, she says he can work with her at her house as a handyman. He agrees and goes back to her house where he meets Claude's sisters, Nicole and Yvette. He gets an instant hard-on and flirts shamelessly with Nicole.

Claude gets upset/jealous when she finds out that Nicole and Jill knocked da boots. But Jill says "Hey bring your one armed hand self over here and give me some lovin'" and they proceed to do it.

Meanwhile, some killer is going around killing women and cutting their eyes out. Pierre is baffled by this and everyone seems to think Jill has something to do with it. It doesn't help any when he makes sexual advances on Yvette AND Michelle, and everyone finds out he was in prison a few years back. Even though he says he's a changed man, he still has fits of anger and has weird daydreams of choking some lady to death.

When Dr. LaBoor finds a picture of Jill in the paper and shows it to Pierre, he goes to arrest Jill. But Claude warns Jill and they go running through the mountains like it's the sound of music or something. Before Jill can escape he gets shot about 500 times and finally, to add insult to injury, gets caught in a bear trap.

Now the main character is dead, the movie should be over with, right? Well...nope. Michelle is walking to the house when she's attacked. She manages to stop the attacker, but that doesn't stop him...or her I should say. It's revealed that the one going around killing everyone is none other then Yvette! And she can really walk! Yvette kills Michelle using a wheelchair (I don't even know how to describe this, just take my word for it) but then ANOTHER masked figure kills Yvette.

This is beginning to feel like "Wild Things".

Pierre apparently found a big ol' box out in the woods labeled "Whodunit and why" cause suddenly he knows the answer. He explains that LaBoor hypnotized Yvette to walk around, killing blonde women and cutting their eyes out, because he once had a daughter with blue eyes but she died somehow and LaBoor isn't quite right in the head. He plans on taking these eyes and transplanting them to his quite dead daughter. Nicole found all this out early on and was killed. LaBoor freaks out and runs into a secret room in his office where his dead daughter is, slowly being eaten by maggots. It's a fun scene. And thankfully it's over.

Now you're asking yourself, "But Jason, where does the house of psychotic women fit in?" Well...unless there's some unknown storyline involving Nicole and Claude, the only psycho was Yvette and that was just under hypnosis. So the title has me baffled. I just remembered when I first found out about this movie I thought it was porno. Boy was I wrong. And be sure to pay attention to the music used in this movie. It sounds like rejected game show music.
I'll be back on Wednesday.

-Jason

Hard Bastard

2011-06-27T19:59:00.002-04:00

(Note: Seriously, none of the characters in this movie had names. Both me and my friend Bill have seen this movie so many times we can probably quote it.)

Ohh kung-fu movies. No wonder guys like them so much. There's so little plot and a whole lot of fighting for no reason. There are several reasons why this movie is possibly the best one I've seen. One thing is the title obviously. The second thing is the performances. I don't even know how to put it into words. The Main Bastard's facial features, The British Bastard's accent, The Main Gangster Bastard's "WHAT?!" scenes, this movie is just priceless.

What little plot that this movie has goes likes this: our three Bastard friends, after breaking into some guy's house and stealing musical instraments, go to some dock to sell some fake medicine/remedy that'll "cure anything and make anyone stronger". One funny moment is when a lady asks if it cures farting.

The Main Gangster Bastard finds out that our three bastard friends is on the dock without paying some fee to stay on the dock. The Main Bastard fights off The Throwaway Bastard's left and right. This takes up about 25 minutes of the movie.

The Main Bastard befriends The Old Bastard and is rather jealous that he can fight better than he can, which is baffling because The Main Bastard fights pretty damn well. There's another plot involving The Other Bastard and The Female Bastard and there may or may not be a romance. The Main Bastard gets jealous and falls for Stripper Bastard.

The Old Bastard picks up his noodle stand and leaves the dock because he fought off some Throwaway Bastards. He decides he's a street psychic and he goes ahead and teaches The Main Bastard how to fight. This consists of him "pretending to be from America" and wearing a really bad disguise. This is done so The Main Bastard can save The Stripper Bastard, somehow.

The plot gets more confusing as everyone is mad at each other for reasons unknown. Somehow The British Bastard & The Stripper Bastard get kidnapped and The Main Bastard and Female Bastard team up to save them, which is ironic. Then somehow The Stripper Bastard, The Other Bastard, and The Main Gangster Bastard get killed in some sort of triple/double cross.

Thinking enough is enough, the remaining characters team up and kick the remaining Throwaway Bastard's until they're all dead. This all takes place on a beach and it ends rather abruptly.

This review might not have made much sense, but watching the movie won't make things much clearer. This, and any kung fu movie, exist only for people to watch other
people kick people's asses. It is rather amusing though.
You bastard.

-Jason

Demonoid

2011-06-27T19:39:00.002-04:00

(Note: Hello and welcome to day two of "Transfer this crap from The Site to The Blog" week. I'll probably post three reviews today, so just sit back and enjoy the ride!)

Things kick off with some KKK members in a cave somewhere doing something. The whole thing is pretty dark so it's hard to make things out. Turns out one of the KKK members is a chick with nice tits. I didn't know the KKK allowed women in the KKK. "Color" me surprised. (Get it? "Color"?)

Well, turns out they DON'T allow women in the KKK, nice tits or not, cause some other guys find her doing something in the dark and immediately shackle her to the cave wall. Soon, her left hand is cut off. When this happens we get a nice quick shot of what I guess is the Devil standing in silhouette form, holding a stick. We then find out that the hand is possessed! Yep, much like in "Idle Hands".

In fact, this movie could serve as a prequel to "Idle Hands", since it wasn't explained in that movie why or how that whole thing happened to begin with. I suppose this is as good enough of an explanation as we're gonna get.

So the KKK members take the hand and throw it in this little hand box (sorry, no hand bag jokes here) where it lays to rest. Fast forward to, oh let's say, 200 million years later. The husband and wife team of Mark and Jennifer Baines are now in Mexico and they're archeologist or miners or something. What they're doing here isn't totally explained.

But they hired some superstitious Mexican workers who refuse to enter the cave/mine thing. Jennifer's line of thinking is "If they see a woman go into the cave thingy and then come out alive, they'll just HAVE to go in." Cause all Mexican miners are sexist I guess.

Mark and Jennifer go into the cave and prove they suck at their job by tripping over everything and nearly destroying the cave. Mark falls down a hole and finds an old altar with some demon figures around. On the altar is the hand box from earlier! Mark thinks it's a good idea to take it. And proving Jennifer wrong, when she comes out of the cave, the Mexicans says "Fuck this" and leave.

Later at their hotel, Jennifer is asleep in sexy lingerie waiting to get boned but Mark is drinking himself to death. He decides to grab the hand box and open it but inside is nothing but dust or ash or dirt or something. Disappointed, Mark goes to sleep sloppy drunk. I'm sure Jennifer appreciated the smell.

Soon, the dust forms into a hand and comes alive. It makes it way to the smelly bed and starts fingering Jennifer. Ok, not really. It just rubs her leg. This wakes her up and she freaks out. Mark wakes up and instantly does battle with the hand, until it vanishes. Mark declares the whole event has a drunken dream and leaves the hotel room. Jennifer shrugs her shoulders and goes back to sleep.

The next morning, Jennifer shows up at the cave thing and learns her husband forced all the Mexican miners inside. Then we see him outside the cave and he blows it all up to hell, I'm guessing trapping the miners. Jennifer is like "NO! Mark!" but Mark high tails it.

You know, I thought I was the only one to go to Las Vegas right after I blow up a cave in Mexico, killing a bunch of miners. I'm glad to know I'm not. Mark does that exact thing, playing at the craps table. We see a shady guy pointing at Mark and sending a hot piece of ass over.

Jennifer must know that after any killing spree, Mark goes to Vegas, cause she shows up looking for him. For some reason, the hotel guy doesn't believe she's Mark's wife and tells her to fuck off. Instead of just wandering around the casino, Jennifer stands around, pouting.

Eventually, Mark leaves with the hot piece of ass, but is attacked in the parking lot by the shady guy. Soon, they're back in Mexico and shady guy has Mark chained to a desk. Shady wants to know how Mark got so lucky in Vegas but he won't tell. After threatening to cut his hands off, Mark gets superhuman strength and frees himself from the chains and kills hot piece of ass and Shady. Mark then finds some gas and he lights himself on fire, but the hand digs itself in the dirt so it doesn't get burnt.

Mark's body is buried in L.A and Father Cunningham is looking over the body. Jennifer shows up, blathering on about her husband's hand, and Father just wants her to shut up so he shows her the grave, where it's clearly been broken OUT of. The rest of this scene happens in the dark and this movie can't afford lights so I'm only guessing what happens next.

An elephant shows up in a tutu and starts playing the piano while a teenage girl screams.
A car horn shows up, to do battle with the unicorn. A cop tries to break all this up but Mark's dead body is trampled by the elephant and the hand appears in the cop's car somehow. I think a prosthetic limb was also involved.

Ok, blah blah blah, the hand possesses a cop that showed up at some point. Father Cunningham shows up at a boxing place and starts sparring with the cop, until the cop sees the cross on Father and he flees like a vampire. The Father reports back to Jennifer that he didn't find any of that unusual.

Jennifer is about to leave the church when the cop shows up and arrests Jennifer for renting a car. But the cop takes her to some doctor's office where the cop makes the doctor cut off the possessed hand. The reason for this is because the hand now belongs to Jennifer, since she and Mark found it.

The cop handcuffs Jennifer to a chair and the doctor and nurse seem rather cool about cutting off this dude's hand, gunpoint or not. They get the hand cut off and Jennifer then realizes that she's only handcuffed to the arm rest and she could've pulled the handcuff out this entire time. I dunno who's more stupid here, the cop or Jennifer.

Father, meanwhile, thinks he's Father Dowling and does some deduction work. He spots Jennifer's rental car outside with the keys still in the trunk lock. Somehow he realizes where she's at and hitches a ride with another cop to the doctor's office. Oh, and it's the next day now.

At the doctor's office, the hand kills the cop and takes over the doctor, who killed the nurse and is taking his sweet time possessing Jennifer. Thankfully, Father arrives in time. The sight of Father scares the doctor and he runs.

So now a chase scene occurs which ends at a train yard. The doctor jumps onto a moving train, which I'll admit was pretty bad ass. But what's not so bad ass is getting knocked off by a post. When this happens, the doctor sticks the hand under the train's wheels, separating it from him. The hand grabs a ride on the train and goes out of town.

Well, not really. Later, that night, Jennifer is about to go to bed when she spots the hand waiting for her there. She freaks out and again Father just happens to know this is happening and is there. Maybe he was there to spy on her getting undressed. Maybe he made that Erin Andrew's tape.

Anyway.

Despite Jennifer saying throughout the movie "We must destroy the hand!" she keeps running away from it. Father takes her back to the Church where surely she's safe. Well, no, she's not. And don't call me Shirley. Yeah, sorry, I had to. I hope you understand.

Man, I wish I could take a screen grab of this cause the Father tells her to change into some random clothes he has and she comes out wearing a white button down shirt, black
slacks, suspenders, and a belt. No idea, man. But soon, the phone and the lights go off and the hand appears inside the church.

Well, ok, so it can go into the church but it can't possess the Father cause it's been scared of him throughout the whole movie, right? Well...wrong! Possess the Father it does and soon he starts chasing Jennifer around. To be honest, Jennifer doesn't really do much in this entire movie but look bored at the idea of being chased by a possessed hand and letting the Father do all the work.

Father traps the hand in some glass thing and soon uses a blow torch to roast the hand alive, while reciting some passage from the bible, which makes the entire scene some sort of metaphor. The next day, the Father and Jennifer go on a boat and throw the burnt remains into the ocean.

Well, this is a horror movie so here's your twist. Jennifer is cleaning the Father's house. Why? I guess she fell in love with him or something. I dunno. Anyway, there's a knock on the door and on the way to answer it, Jennifer spots some puddles. The person knocking is a delivery guy and he gives her some box. Ah-ha! You're thinking what I was thinking, right?

Jennifer takes her time opening the box, building the tension and/or padding the ending, finding puddles everywhere. I dunno where the Father is during all this. Maybe he's giving a one-handed Mass. That could be taken both ways.

Finally, Jennifer opens the box and inside it is....a candle and some seaweed. Now that we know the hand isn't inside the box, we do know the hand sent it. I dunno if the cover of the box said "FROM THE HAND TO JENNIFER @ THE CHURCH" or what. Jennifer goes into the kitchen and sure enough, the hand is waiting inside the sink. It jumps onto Jennifer and literally spins her right 'round baby right 'round like a record, baby. Until she falls into a glass table and cue ending credits!

Well, that was uninspired. This movie starts off kind of ok, then eventually gets unintentionally hilarious to downright stupid. The only good thing is that it's pretty short, coming in at 1 hour and 15 minutes. Overall, I think this would be good MST3K material, minus the boobage shot in the beginning. Oh, yes, there were boobies. How else did I know that chick had nice tits?

-Jason

Battle of the Worlds

2011-06-26T23:58:00.003-04:00

(Note: I'm just moving this one here to The Blog because I can't find a DVD copy of it, and frankly I don't really care to dig that deep.)

This movie is really boring. That kinda sucks since it's about a cranky scientist and a planet that moves on its own whose inhabitants are dead aliens. But sadly, any excitement is killed off by endless scenes of astronauts in space ships looking like they have to take a crap and said cranky scientist trying to talk to a bunch of disembodied heads, pleading they heed his words. I guess you want to hear about it a little bit more in depth. Ok, fine.

We start off with Fred half naked and swimming in a lake/ocean/pond/ some source of water. I should point out that we never find out where this lake/source of water is, or where most of these characters hang out are at. I'm going to go on a limb, though, and say it's probably Italy, only because everyone is dubbed, and most of the credits feature Italian people. Anyway, Fred is swimming half naked when Eve runs up shouting forhim. Fred pulls her in and we get a sweet shot of Eve all wet while wearing white. I guess she wins the Wet T-shirt contest by default.

Anyway, Eve tells her this guy named George wants to see him about something. So he dries up and pays a visit. George tells Fred some boring science-y stuff about airwaves and gravity and stuff (I tried to pay attention, but frankly talk like this bores me) and George freaks out about something. George runs out of the room where a chick, who I think is suppose to be a secretary, asks, "Why is Fishface so worked up?" This is gonna be the best line in the whole movie and it's only 5 minutes in.

Fishface runs to Dr. Cornfield and shows him whatever it is he found out. What he found out is that some giant ass thing is heading toward Earth, but it's moving kinda slow so there's not much of a danger of impact, but it's all possible. Fred states he knew about it for some time but it didn't bother him. As punishment for not telling everyone and putting everyone's lives in danger, he becomes head of FEMA. Er, I mean, he must go visit "the old man".

The Old Man turns out to be Benson (Not THAT Benson), who lives in his greenhouse with his dog. Fred walks in and immediately gets chewed out by Benson, but then states that he knew about this thing for a while now, and shows a potted planet with some numbers and other science stuff written all over it. Fred studies it and says, "Uhhh, yep. This is it." Benson then states that "them idiots on Mars" should've seen the planet way before anyone here on crummy ol' Earth.

We then get a shot of Mars, where a base station is set up. So I guess this is the future? Yet again, no idea, it's never said. Maybe the film makers should've just handed us the plot in three paragraphs and told us to make our own damn movie.

There's something going on that has Bob, who runs this little base on Mars, all worked up. Apparently a ship has lost control but we don't know why. We do eventually figure it out, so at least the movie is willing to share SOME information. Bob sends up another ship to rescue them and the rescue ship is full of constipated people. See, I wish I was able to take screen caps, so you could see I'm not making this up. The people in the crashing ship leave and in an effect that looks like my 8-year-old sister cobbled up together, two toy figures representing the astronauts randomly fly from one ship to the other. This doesn't make sense, I mean they just hurled themselves toward the ship? And they went pretty fast too. I guess in space, in the future, things up there is gonna go a lot faster then it is now.

The hapless astronauts are saved, but now THIS ship is about to go down and we figure out why. They're close to this planet that came out of nowhere and headed toward Earth. Oh and in case you haven't figured it out, this is the thing that was discussed earlier.

Now that everyone on Earth knows about it, they need a way to stop it from colliding with Earth. They reject the idea of sending some oil drillers up there to break it in half, cause that just sounds stupid, I mean, who'd do that? Instead, Benson insists everyone leaves it alone cause it won't crash into the Earth.

After a weird awkward edit and jump cut, Eve is running out of Fred's, I'm gonna say house, that's way up on a cliff, and involves 800 flights of stairs to get back and forth from. Fred calls out to Eve, but she decides to dis his macho self and latch onto the cranky old man. Eve states that Benson was right, it didn't crash, but instead it's just orbiting the planet.

This causes Benson to freak out and he immediately knows that the planet is still gonna destroy the earth, even giving it a countdown of 810 hours. Thankfully, he didn't say 525,600 minutes, otherwise he'd have AIDS and he wouldn't be able to pay his rent. Oh, and Benson thinks we should NOW blow it up.

Now, this seems like a basic plot idea. An alien planet somehow travels to Earth, remains in orbit with us, and in roughly 800 hours, it's gonna attack. So if a good screenwriter wrote this, some kind of battle would play out with us versus them, maybe even people stranded on the alien planet and fighting within. But no, instead we get some more boring science stuff.

See, because this planet is in orbit with us, it's gonna cause all kinds of fucked up weather problems, which I guess is the official cause of El Nino. Benson leaves his greenhouse for once and talks to "The Heads of The Nation Committee" or something long sounding like that. Benson gives a long speech about the planet and how it'll destroy us and that he should lead the expedition to the planet to explore it. The Head Head says "No, it's war!" which causes Benson to say "Ah yes. And I'm not of draft age." Ha-ha...but I am...Ha-ha...hey, wait.

Ok, I'm back from shooting myself in the foot. And a war has started. Bob is suppose to go up and blow the planet up. Kathy wants to go along because she loves him so damn much and they never want to be separated for the rest of their lives. In movie speak, that means one of them is gonna die. I'm gonna say right here and now if I ever become part of some group that's gonna do something remotely dangerous, I'm making sure everyone is single before leaving. Because as you know "Attached man/woman=certain doom". It's even worse if said person has kids, and if they haven't seen them in a few years, just blow yourselves up now and get it over with.

For some reason, Bob allows Kathy to go up there. Fred wants to go too because Eve left him for Benson, which comes as a shock to Eve. Hey, babe, you been leaving poor Fred to look at Hustler all these nights while you feed this old dude Viagra. Don't be that shocked. Benson allows Fred to go and off they go.

Up in space, one ship head toward the planet and before it can blow it up, a bunch of tiny saucers come out of nowhere and attack the ship. But that ship was full of old guys, so don't worry. And I'm sure they all haven't seen their wives and kids since World War Two. Realizing that anytime one of their ships goes near the planet, these saucers come out and attack, they try to trick them into shooting each other.

While flying around all Hans Solo like, one of them gets super close to Earth and our gravity causes it to weeble wobble, but not fall down. The other saucers retreat. Finally, the wobbly saucer crashes to Earth. Bob didn't tell the people of Earth about this, so I guess we have to assume this thing took out an entire village or city or something.

Benson tells Fred to grab whatever's inside and bring it to him immediately. Inside the saucer is just a cylinder thing with light in it. Kinda like a florescent bulb, but thicker, like Ron Jeremy size. (Oh, you were thinking it too.) Fred brings it to Benson and Benson studies it.

He realizes the light is some kind of communicating device and it's linked to whatever's on the planet. Benson then freaks out Bob, Kathy, Fred, Dr. Cornfield, and Eve when he starts laughing like a maniac and says, "IT'S LIKE MUSIC!!! I'LL COMPOSE THE MUSIC!!!! AND YOU'LL PLAY IT!!!!!". Now we know what happened to Mozart.

So they all head back into space, play this "music", which just sounds like sci-fi noise to me, and this causes all the other saucers to crash into me...baby...and I'll come into you.

Er...sorry. Crash into each other.

On Earth, Benson is throwing another temper tantrum when he insists he goes up and studies the planet before they (the military) blow it up. He says he learned from the light that there are some smart beings on the planet and he wants to study them. The Head Head says, "Ok, but you got three hours then we're blowing it to hell!".

So this time Benson tags along with Bob, Boyd, Kathy, Fred, and Eve to the planet to check it out. Benson, who got a psychic link with the planet a la "E.T", guides them to below the planet, where a bunch of dead aliens are. Well, he says they're dead aliens. I just see some black dots on the ground. And a more giant version of the florescent light is here, this time John Holmes size. Some dude who looks like Jerry Orbach tells Bob that the missile is gonna be launched in 5 minutes so hurry the fuck up already.

Benson insists on communicating with the John Holmes Light and runs off. Eve, who still has her crush, goes after him. Then Fred goes after her, causing Bob to go after him, causing Kathy to go after him. Boyd says "Fuck this" and goes back to the ship to beg Jerry Orbach to give them more time.

Jerry then puts Baby in the corner and launches the missile. Benson tells Eve to go back with Fred, who comes along. He drags Eve away and they get lost, along with Bob and Kathy. Kathy simply trips on a rock and falls down, but for some reason this makes her give up on life and tells them to leave her behind. Bob says "NO! I wanna break this stereotype right here and now!" and drags her along. Meanwhile Race Bannon is crying like a bitch when Bob and company show up. They launch. Benson is talking to John Holmes Light and says "I KNOW EVERYTHING!! AND YOU'RE GONNA KILL ME!" In other words, Benson knows the meaning of life now, but because the military are war mongers, they decide to blow it up. And oh boy, what an explosion. I think it actually did come from a Jonny Quest cartoon.

Eve cries out, "So long, professor...and thanks for all the fish." Kathy is lying down, apparently sick from tripping on a rock, and decides to play into the stereotype and die. Then Benson's dog runs to the greenhouse window, whimpers, and stares up in the sky.

And...fade to black.

I probably made the movie sound 10 million times more exciting then it really is. And it would've been exciting if we didn't get all this weird Technobabble throughout the movie. Oh, and I did forget about a female character, but she wasn't given a name and she didn't do much except taunt Fred and Eve every now and then.

-Jason