Mardi Gras Massacre

2012 will mark 9 years I've watched and reviewed bad movies for this thing called "the Internet" (7 years for Invasion of the B Movies) and in all those years I've never come across a movie like "Mardi Gras Massacre". Yeah it's bad. Yeah it was made horribly. Yeah it's stupid as hell. But where normally I'd find that stuff annoying, here...I found it charming.

The movie starts in a bar in New Orleans and a very well dressed guy named John walks in. Two women immediately latch onto him, hoping he'll make it rain all over their faces. (Take that however you want) Instead, John tells the women he's looking for a special girl. What type of girl?

............................an evil girl!

So every time this John guy talks, he uses these huge pauses between words, like he took acting lessons from William Shatner but decided to one-up Shat. Here's how that whole scene really played out.

John: I'm looking for a special girl. One that is.................evil!

The two girls direct him to this other girl because she's...........evil! I dunno what makes her so evil, I'm sorry, so............evil! She seemed nice enough. I guess she's willing to do ANYTHING for money. Even if it means fucking Kyle MacLachlan.

So John takes her back to his place and for a painstaking 20 minutes we watch him undress the girl, tie her to a bed, rub oil on her, and finally he leaves. Literally 2 seconds later, he reappears in another part of the room in this weird sacrificial garb and a knife. He stabs her hand, then her feet, before cutting her fake stomach open to pull out a heart that apparently isn't attached to anything inside her body. So in a way he's doing her a favor, she was gonna die from having a floppy heart anyway.

The news of the girl's death reaches prostitutes across the city and eventually two cops get involved. One cop, Frank, questions one of the girls John talked to that night, named Sherry. Frank and Sherry instantly fall in love and immediately go on a date. On said date, some guy at another table starts yelling at the girl he's with, picks her up, and smacks her. Frank decides to take charge and...point at the guy until he leaves! Yeah! Good police work!

Frank and Sherry go have sex and he doesn't do much about the killing. Meanwhile, John goes to other bars and picks up more.............evil girls, talking so slowly that you could leave the room, take a shit, and come back and he'll still be in the middle of said sentence. Anyway, he kills another girl in the same fashion as the other girl, then he decides to up the ante by bringing a group of women! WOW!!

This is a great scene for these two reasons:
1. He orders Chinese food and this is how he orders (The exact food items escape me right now but it's something like): "I'd like beef and broccoli, pepper steak, fried rice.........................(glance)....................AND a fortune cookie!"
2. He slips something in the girls drinks and the scene goes from them standing around talking to instantly them passed out on the ground.

Oh and John tips the delivery guy 10 bucks. Remember that, cause I kept shouting how important this was gonna be throughout the rest of the movie.

Frank is busy fucking his prostitute girlfriend and NOT solving the case. Frank is also a douche cause he hits Sherry for reasons I'm not sure about, even while I was watching it I was confused. Maybe that guy in the bar from earlier rubbed off on him or something. Anyway, Frank leaves Sherry and he's not dedicated to finding this killer.

OH AND HE HAS TO DO IT BEFORE MARDI GRAS CAUSE THE KILLER MIGHT KILL A GROUP OF PEOPLE OH SHIT IT'S SERIOUS NOW!!!!!111eleven

Ok, you're probably asking yourself: "What is going on? Why is this killer killing all these women? Why do they have to be evil? Why is Jason assuming I'm asking all these questions? I just want a sandwich, LEAVE ME ALONE!!" Well, I'm glad you asked. And here's your sandwich.

Apparently, John is sacrificing these..............evil women to some Aztec or Mayan or some vaguely Latin God (Marc Anthony? Enrique Iglesias?) and on Mardi Gras he's gonna probably do a whole slew of people. So Frank and his partner without a name goes around talking to people. OH SHIT THE MUSIC!

The music in this entire movie sounds like vague rip offs of popular disco songs. I swear one song is "The Hustle" but with one note changed. I can't find any evidence of this, but if you ever watch this movie (and you should) listen out for it. If you can get back all the.................evil!

Alright, the cops finally talk to the Chinese delivery guy who remembers John cause he tipped him 10 bucks, so they go to his apartment, where he has Sherry tied up and ready to get stabbed. John manages to escape and despite him WALKING about as fast as my grandma, the cops can't catch him.

There's a lame chase through Mardi Gras until John steals a cop car and drives into the Ocean. When they find the car, they find John is missing. And that's it! The end!

So is this worth the search? If you wanna have a good time watching horrible movie with your friends, then yes, but that's the only way to watch this. If you watch this by yourself, sober, then you're gonna be miserable. In fact, I OWN this movie, so just come on over so we can watch this. And if you must you can a girl who's..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................evil.


-Jason

PS: Listen to this while reading the review. Unless you didn't notice this, then RE-READ this while listening.

The Netflix Corner #16

This week, I'm recommending a not that popular Charles Bronson movie. Now, I haven't seen it since I was a kid, but I'm sure it's still awesome as hell. I'm talk about:

From what I remember, it's about a serial killer who likes to get naked and kill people and it's up to Charles Bronson to stop him! That's about all you really need to know anyway.

Anyway, onto The Netflix Game! Man, I stumped a lot of people for a couple of days, until I revealed some hints. Anyway, here's the updated scores:

Nick-38
Dan-23
Steve-9
Dylan-7
Rachel-4
Joanna-3
Joe-2
Dave-1

Here's last week's answers:
Hard: This kid really loves his imaginary friend, even though he's real.-Pete's Dragon
Medium: A man really hates his job, thanks to witches and other scary people.-Four Rooms
Easy: Two women decide it's more fun to travel cross country while breaking the law.-Thelma & Louise

Well, let's see how everyone does this week!
Hard: A girl returns to the place she once visited to find it's all destroyed.
Medium: A woman from New York City finds herself in a magical land.
Easy: A girl from a farm is transported to another world.

Good luck!
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #27: Randy Quaid's Guide To Being An Awesome Father

In this episode, Jason and Nolahn bring on Steve Honeywell from 1001Plus to discuss the cult classic "Parents" starring Randy Quaid. Also in this episode, we discuss kicking Steve's daughter out of the country, the 1001 Movies You NEED To See Before You Die, the lack of Chuck Norris on said list, and finally end with the debut of The Game of the Unwanted! How does Steve do? Only one way to find out!

The Netflix Corner #15

This is probably cheating, but I love Louis C.K and this was probably the funniest thing I've seen in a long time. If you love Louis, then you should check out:

Ok! Last week, the "Hard" option was up for 24 hours before Dan got it! So now here's your updated scores:

Nick-35
Dan-20
Steve-9
Dylan-7
Rachel-4
Joanna-3
Joe-2
Dave-1

And here are last week's answers:
Hard: A man lies to his parents about where he's been.-Buffalo '66
Medium: A kid has some misadventures in a hotel.-The Shining
Easy: Don't do drugs, kids.-Requiem For A Dream

Good luck with this week's answers!

Hard: This kid really loves his imaginary friend, even though he's real.
Medium: A man really hates his job, thanks to witches and other scary people.
Easy: Two women decide it's more fun to travel cross country while breaking the law.

Have fun!
-Jason

What I Think It's About: We Need To Talk About Kevin

So if you spend any amount of time here, you know that I don't follow what you might call "good movies" or at least "mainstream" movies. All my attention goes to Andy Sidaris films or if they plan on remaking "Leprechaun" with Vern Troyer. (No, not yet.) But I do follow a lot of people and their blogs who talk about these "good mainstream" movies and I see titles and I wonder, based on the title and maybe a poster, what could that movie be about? Here, I figured I try to figure out what "We Need To Talk About Kevin" is about based on title, trailer, and poster. First, the title.

"We Need To Talk About Kevin".

I'm guessing there's a dude named Kevin. He did something that one or two people need to discuss. I'm assuming the thing Kevin did was pretty bad. Maybe he slept with someone's wife or killed someone. Maybe a black comedy? That'd be an awesome name for a black comedy. Like Vince Vaughn IS Kevin, a misunderstood middle aged man who appears to be a serial killer when his dates vanish but the truth is, he only dates women who are about to move so he'll never have to see them again. But when a woman shows up dead on his front lawn, that's when the dark hi-jinks ensue!

Ok! So show me Vince Vaughn!

Whoa! Ok then. Umm...Tilda Swinton, huh? And she's in bed next to a kid. Should I assume the kid is Kevin? Oh god, I don't even want to imagine what this movie COULD be about then. I mean she....nah, I'm not going there. I already got "A Serbian Film" on this site, I don't need MORE perverts coming here. Ok so...let's backtrack a bit. Tilda Swinton is a chick who might be Kevin's mother. I'm assuming Kevin is either dying of some disease like, I dunno, ADHD (That's a kid disease, right?) and she needs to talk about the kid before he dies? Or maybe, keeping with the dark comedy angle (cause really "We Need To Talk About Kevin" sounds like a fucking dark comedy to me, I'm sorry) everyone THINKS Kevin, as a kid, killed someone, but the kid who died got ADHD and blew up or something, thinking Kevin had something to do with it. I bet that's it! I actually like this movie better than the Vince Vaughn angle. Ok! Onto the trailer!



Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...WAIT! THIS IS A FUCKING HORROR MOVIE?!?!?! Why didn't anyone tell me it's a horror movie?! About a killer kid! I LOVE horror movies about killer kids!! So I guess Kevin is fucked up in the head for having Tilda Swinton as a mom and....JOHN C. REILLY? He makes horror movies now? WTF?! How have I not known this?! HORROR BLOGGERS you failed me!! Normally you're on this shit! I mean, clearly, the kid is a serial killer and Tilda is worried she'll be his next victim. And what the fuck, is Kevin a time traveler? How does he age but no one else does?? Dude!

So Will I See This Movie? FUCK YEAH! It's a horror movie about a killer kid! I'm on this shit, yo!!!

And that's how we play "What I Think It's About". If I'm wrong, well...tell me. But I know I'm not. That trailer is the creepiest fucking trailer ever. Best horror trailer ever!
-Jason

The Netflix Corner #14

This week's recommendation was the movie I reviewed this previous Thursday at Man, I Love Films and yes it is that awesome that I must recommend it. I'm talking about:

If you love found footage films and wanna see a different take on it, check this out!

And now...The Netflix Game! Last week's was a doozy. The medium, again, was up for grabs for over 24 hours, until Dylan came and swooped it up, after a couple of hints. Here's the updated scores!

Nick-32
Dan-17
Steve-9
Dylan-7
Rachel-4
Joanna-3
Joe-2
Dave-1

And here are last week's answers:
Hard: A bunch of random scenes occur.-Kentucky Fried Movie
Medium: A bunch of random scenes revolve around a TV station.-Amazon Women on The Moon
Easy: A bunch of random scenes revolve around an experimental drug.-Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy

Will this weeks be easier? Let's see!
Hard: A man lies to his parents about where he's been.
Medium: A kid has some misadventures in a hotel.
Easy: Don't do drugs, kids.

Good luck!
-Jason

Reader's Choice: Starship Troopers

This is it. This is THE movie (next to "Cool As Ice") that people come up to me and say "Man, 'Starship Troopers' huh? That's a bad movie!" expecting me to go "Oh hell yeah! Fuckin' terrible dood! Fuckin' Sully, kid!" And then they wonder why I suddenly turned into a guy from Boston. But anyway, I have now finally seen "Starship Troopers" and I'm gonna tell you, I was not expecting that!

I was expecting cheesy fun. Some bad acting. Maybe bad CGI. Scenes that feature nothing but explosions and gun fighting. I was NOT expecting a weird movie starring a bunch of former TV stars and future has-beens. And I didn't know it was based on a novel, BY FUCKING Robert Heinlein of all fucking people!

Ok so the movie. It's sometime in the future. They never say the years so I'm gonna go with 289,989. In this future the "military" is replaced with this thing called "The Federation. They're not called "soldiers" they're called "Citizens", as opposed to "Civilians". It's all rather confusing and, ok maybe I'm not surprised Robert Heinlein wrote this.

Anyway, we meet Johnny Rico. Oh my fucking God I love that name. He's in I guess high school. Michael Ironside is his teacher and he's teaching about being in the Federation and stuff. Rico is dating fuckin' Denise Richards, who plays Carmen. And you won't believe who their friend Carl is played by. Seriously, if you haven't seen this movie, fucking guess.

Did you guess NEIL PATRICK HARRIS? Cause I sure as hell didn't. What the hell is he doing in a giant alien bug movie in 1997? Man! So anyway. Carl is psychic and he's trying to teach Rico how to be psychic, cause I guess it's something you can teach in the year 289,989.

So Rico wants to sign up for The Federation but his parents, who are rich, want to send him to Harvard. Pfft, so the world is WAY different 200 million years in the future, but fucking HARVARD still exists?! Love it! And yes, I'm aware of the symbolism here about either going to college or fighting in the army. But do you know why Rico wants to go into The Federation? Not cause he loves his country, or planet, or whatever.

It's because Carmen is going. That's all. Jesus.

OH! You know what else happens in the year 289,989? Football is now INDOORS! And men and women can play together! There's this chick named Desi who I thought was played by Keri Russell but she's Not Keri Russell, and she has the hots for Rico but he puts her in the "Friend Zone" OH SNAP! How do you like it, women?!?! AWWW YEAAH!!

Or is this?!?!

Is THIS Keri Russel?

After Rico fights with his parents and storms out of the house, he signs up for The Federation and he's put in the regular army fighting guys whereas Carmen is signed up to be a pilot. I'm gonna stress that Denise Richards is playing a character where she's a pilot. But then later, she plays a scientist, so maybe it was just jobs on her bucket list. If she ever does a movie where she's a nuclear physicist, I won't be surprised.

Anyway, Carl is sent to another part that's top secret cause he's smart. And psychic. Or whatever. So Rico goes to what's pretty much boot camp and it turns into "Full Metal Jacket" for a bit, with a drill sergeant yelling at everybody and making them do tough thing. Only difference is women are allowed.

So let's talk about this for a moment. A million years in the future, women FINALLY earn the right to get mixed in with men. There's a scene coming up that made me wish we were in that future now. Eh, I'll just tell you now. Men and women take showers together. And they're all out in the open about showing their tits and whatnot. It's an awesome scene. I almost cried.

So Carmen meets this guy named...Kevin? Sure we'll go with that. I'm horrible with names, I swear. Anyway, Kevin is this handsome type that makes Rico feel threatened. And he should. Cause after a week of being a pilot, Carmen tells Rico through "letter" (AKA, a video message) that they're breaking up.

Oh, and I almost wish I watched this movie with someone else so we can have this conversation:
"Is that Jake Busey?"
"Look at those teeth, that's a Busey alright."

Yes, Jake Busey shows up, as Ace, a guy in the army or whatever with Rico. Rico does a great job at simulating war that he's chosen to be the squad leader for another fake fight but with real bullets. He leads the way, but some dumb guy takes his helmet off and is instantly shot and killed.

Rico's punishment? A whipping. Seriously? It's the fucking future! Why not, I dunno, a dozen small robots with sharp teeth biting at his scrotum for 5 minutes? A whipping? And I love in movies where white guys are getting whipped, a black dude does the whipping. It's hilarious to me.

After the death of dumb guy, Rico thinks he doesn't have what it takes to be in the Federation, and is about to leave. He calls his parents and they're talking when the sky at his parents house gets dark and suddenly the call is cut off. Uh-oh!

Pretty much, and kind of out of nowhere, giant bugs from another planet attacks Earth and destroys several cities, including the city Rico, Carmen, and Carl is from. OH MY GOD you won't believe where they're from??

FUCKING BUENOS ARIES! SOUTH AMERICA!

I thought "It must be ANOTHER Buenos Aries" but nope. They showed the map in the movie. It's fucking South America. So in the future, white people decide "You know, we could just take over EVERY city in the world and put our people there! HA!" I fell out of my couch when that happened. Man, it's the little things, let me tell you.

Ok, so Buenos Aries is destroyed and this gives Rico a reason to fight, so he stays in the Federation. Almost instantly, everyone is shipped to the bug planet to fight the bugs. And the instant they land, the humans get their ass handed to them. And Rico dies.

Yep. He dies. I didn't see that coming. So I guess we'll focus on Carmen as she becomes a pilot and fucks Kevin and-

Wait. What? They found Rico's body and put it in this container where they bring him to life?!? WHAT? They can bring people back to life?! WOW! So...can't they bring other people back? No? They won't? Why? Cause Rico is our hero and he's the only one in this entire movie that deserves to be bought back to life? THE FUCK???

So yeah, that part lost me. And as a result, Rico, Desi, and Ace are sent to another unit called The Roughnecks, which is lead by Professor Michael Ironside! And Ironside runs the Roughnecks with an IRON fist. HA! Get it? Cause....

Oh. He actually has a robotic hand in this movie. So...yeah.

Anyway.

The Roughnecks are sent back to the planet to scout for more bugs and go to a Federation base, where they find the bugs attacked and killed everyone besides the General, who pussied out and hid in a locker. They realize there's another bug, called The Brain Bug, who sucks out people's brains for whatever reason.

Carmen thinks Rico is dead so she fucks Kevin, I'm sure. Michael Ironside dies in combat, which puts Rico in charge of the Roughnecks for whatever reason. I guess it's like in that new "Star Trek" movie where Kirk went from ship stowaway to Captain in .09 seconds.

Rico demands that a "crazy pilot" shows up to save them. HMMM I WONDER WHO'LL THAT BE OH SHIT IT'S CARMEN! Rico also gets to fuck Desi finally but she too is killed in combat. Y'know, Rico, you KNOW that thing that BOUGHT YOU BACK TO LIFE?!?!?! Why don't YOU use it??? I mean, she's NOW you're girlfriend. Asshole.

Whatever. So the end as our heroes looking for this Brain Bug and they find it and he is one ugly motherfucker. Carmen manages to disable it when Rico shows up with a nuke, which could easily kill ALL THE BUGS but he doesn't. YOU ARE A SHITTY LEADER, RICO!!!

Instead, some other guy grabs the nuke and blows all the bugs BUT THE BRAIN BUG up. Turns out, off camera, some other guy captured The Brain Bug. That other guy? The drill sergeant. Wow. And so the movie ends with everyone promoted and they're off to fight another day!

And that was "Starship Troopers". It's a weird fucking movie which makes NO SENSE but...I still liked it. It wasn't horrible and it wasn't "so bad it's good" it was just kinda alright. I couldn't shut my brain off cause things just didn't make sense like WHY DIDN'T HE JUST BRING PEOPLE BACK TO LIFE?!?!?!?!?!??!?! UGH that bothered me so much. OUTSIDE of that, it's an enjoyable movie and I'll watch it again. At least there were tits in it. Oh, now I'm thinking about that again. Excuse me, I'm gonna go freeze myself. Don't wake me up until the year 289,989.


-Jason

And that's it! Reader's Choice is now over! What a fun ride! As for the other movies from that list/poll, I will be getting to those soon enough. So thanks to everyone who voted and partook. I enjoyed myself.

The Lair of the Unwanted #26: Good Cop, Dead Cop

In the first of two episodes per month, Jason and Nolahn discuss the 1988 Joe Piscopo CLASSIC "Dead Heat". They also talk about B-Fest, the annual Binnie Awards, and who their favorite TV or movie cops are.